


And I'll Be There

by Kyzy



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Other, Parental - Freeform, This is a series of one/two shots!!, Trauma, Trigger warnings in notes before each chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 85,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22568140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyzy/pseuds/Kyzy
Summary: A collection of stories about a troubled assassin known as Kayn and the man who raised him, told from one or the others point of view. Always parental... at least on Zed's end.16. || “I’m an animal, too.” Kayn growled in a lowly manner. “I’ll fight them without weapons.”Zed supposed that the boy thought he looked intimidating in that moment as he glowered beneath the shadows of his short bangs, but all he was reminded of was when stray kittens puffed up and began to hiss and spit at you when you got too near.“You aren’t an animal, Shieda. You’re a person.”“I was in a cage longer than, than most of the stray dogs have ever been in.”
Comments: 134
Kudos: 161





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> heyo! welcome to the start of my parental fic collection.  
> i hope you like! if you do, please show me in kudos or comments!  
> thank you so much for reading!
> 
> this one takes place at the very beginning...

"Come here, Kayn."

It was of the utmost importance to firstly note that the Shadow order was not well equipped to handle children of any kind. They were a band of ruthless assassins, taking upon themselves tasks that dealt with anything from political warfare to simple take-down jobs. Why Zed chose, in such turbulent times, to suddenly grow a heart and rescue some lost little orphan from the mud was beyond most of them; he could have taken the little tyke to the nearest village or, better yet, killed him for being the kin of their enemy. But he did not.

And this is how Zed ended up hunched over in their temporary camp, trying to coax out the child from his hiding place about a bush.

"Come out; it's all right."

Hair shaved short and clothes riddled with lice, the child known as Kayn was proving to be a dauntless task to reckon with and he had only been 'rescued' for about half a day now, suffering the short ride to the abandoned town of Hifu in relative silence (bar saying his name when questioned). For the duration he had seemed discontent and yet had not tried to flee; his strange, hollow eyes never met those of the other acolytes and when offered food he would shy away noiselessly. The kid had simply rode with Zed upon his horse and stared off into the distance with his hands wringing together, as if he was anticipating something foul or terrible in the upcoming days ahead.

Zed was concerned. He was concerned partially because some large part of him had abducted an enemy child from the battlefields to be groomed into a weapon against them (and this was callous and cold): but the part of him that held basic human decency felt terrible due to the fact that he had no idea how to look after children. The shadow master was glad that the compassionate part still existed. It had not died along with any positive feelings in the years beforehand, where his dreams were filled with flowers and the twisted flesh of his fellow man. He was still a… decent person, despite his offhanded thoughts about what he was going to do with the boy known as Kayn.

The small band of acolytes had chosen to fetch wood and hay instead of loitering around their distracted leader, something that Zed was extremely thankful for. With only the boy and the man occupying the same space he noticed that the child's boney frame was a little more relaxed… and that his own voice was a touch softer. No, they would _never_ ridicule their leader, but Zed had seen the look in their eyes when he snatched the child into his arms-- they did not _understand_. He did, though. 

There was something in those eyes, something that bred an immediate kinship between the two. Knee deep in mud and dirt and brandishing a weapon so fiercely towards someone as strong as he showed a will to live that so many others lacked; Kayn wanted to live. He did not want to perish or run like his peers, he wanted to _survive_ despite how undoubtedly cruel the world had been so far to him... and Zed would forge those wishes into truths.

But only if he actually came out of the bushes, first.

"We can get something to eat together." The awkwardness of Zeds smile was extremely evident. Kayn simply narrowed his eyes, hands still securely intertwined with the branches of the wild juniper. "And we can get you new clothes, too, so you will stop scratching." 

Foreign, yellow eyes looked down to the rags he wore as his pupils attempted to follow the small white dots that were clutching against the fabric, eager to bite at the seams. In that moment of distraction the ninja drew himself closer, so quietly and suddenly that Kayn jumped and shied a little when his gaze drifted up to see the man suddenly nearer than before. Muscles wound up tight, like a little louse himself the child looked ready to suddenly bolt.

“Ah ah-- don’t-- ... here, look.”

_I am rather foolish…_

Zed deadpanned as his hands softly moved up to the side of his head, slowly and carefully, making sure the other saw his every move as the leader suddenly remembered a vital obstruction in their slowly decaying relationship-- the mask. He had not removed his armor or his mask through the paranoia of recognition and the threat of battle, but he had no need for it here, especially when he had caught Kayn’s eyes sweeping the grates of his face armor quietly. With a _click_ the fasteners gave, the steel-piece fell from his cheeks to be placed to the ground, and his hood was swept back to reveal tufts of stark white hair framing dark red eyes. Zed hoped that his face was kind-seeming as he attempted to muster a small smile.

“See…? I’m just a person.”

The boys eyes were round as if he had just seen some kind of magic trick, his grip on the bush waning as he inspected the older males features curiously. When the Orders leader gave a soft, sharp chuckle, Kayn responded with a look of puzzlement (and the smallest of jumps).

“Did you think I was a monster…?” Softly spoken, with an arm outstretched to the Noxian. His palm lay skyward, an open invitation for the little one to take his hand, but the ten year old seemed even more confused by the gesture.

_He knows no kindness… just as I had expected._

At a snail's pace Zed advanced in a shuffle, making sure to stay low so that the other would not be intimidated by his oppressively armed figure, and with the lightest touch reached for the boys hand… all it took was the gentlest prying to see them hand in hand. So _small_... so _cold_ , his calloused grip engulfed the others tiny digits almost up to the poor creatures wrists-- and it made Zed’s heart bleed with some strange sort of empathy-- no, he should not feel sorry for the work of the _enemy_ , but he was _Ionian._ Children were innocent things who often grew up too fast in wartime, they were hapless, curious little creatures that needed to be nurtured and cared for by everyone around them. They did not deserve cruelty, they did not deserve loveless-ness.

_... But I saw a weapon first, not a boy._

Remorse for his own terrible thoughts seeped into him like the skies had opened above to rain down upon him. How _dare_ he think of the Ionian way when he had so readily thought of molding this child into a _weapon_. How could he be so _cold_ one minute and next, so _warm_ at the touch of this child…? Turbulent emotions caused his heart to race, but nothing was shown outwardly. He would think upon his own sense of entitlement to the life of another in his own time… and would make up for his audacity _now._ With another hand joining the first, Zed saw his grip eclipse the befuddled child's hand cautiously.

“Don’t worry… I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

Kayn’s eyes were still moon-like but narrowed upon hearing those words.

“Commander said, you’d kill me.”

He spoke! Ever so quietly, with youthfulness causing his voice to crack with emotion-- that emotion was _fear_ , but Kayn seemed as determined as ever to try and keep his expression ‘fearsome’ and ‘brave’. It didn’t quite work. 

“Your ‘commander’ was a bad man, Kayn… you should try to forget what he told you.”

There was a solemn pause in that moment as the gears in Kayn’s head turned, trying to come to terms with what he had just been told. It meant someone was _lying_ and he didn’t know who was ‘bad’ or ‘good’ anymore… but what he _did_ know, however, was that there was someone before him that was _not_ a monster, right? This older man was a human? The little ones head tilted, and his freehand rose to touch Zed’s nose in a manner that saw him retract it as soon as he made contact-- but it came back again to lightly pat at his cheeks, to touch his hair and to test his eyebrows and jawline in a feather-light manner. The leader stayed crouched patiently, allowing him to do so without a single change in his expression.

“... But he told me, you and they, everyone was a ‘demon’...” 

_He **did** think I was a monster… perhaps I still am, just not outwardly so._

“No, I’m a person, just like you.” 

Zed let his hold on the others hand fold to free the other-- but as he rose to a stand he found that Kayn was still gripping onto his fingers and was now gazing upwards, his pointer finger on his free hand jammed between his teeth. The man obliged, and held his hand once more. Kayn had come to a decision, it seemed… that his commander had been lying, and that Ionian’s were not devils and demons and monsters. The hand he was holding was warm after all… and that minor amount of trust that the child had just found was shimmering clearly within those bright eyes. Zed almost sighed in relief. 

“... I was not afraid, anyway. I can fight _really_ good.” Rose the little voice with a hint of pride in it as the beginnings of a smile appeared, small, unfocused, but still there at the ends of his up-curled lips.

“Oh really, now…” Zed exaggerated his reaction. “Well, that is good then, because me and my followers are the best fighters in Ionia... or maybe even Runeterra.”

“And you can teach me?” 

_Consent_. The word echoed around in Zed’s skull as if it were nothing but an empty cavern, he needed _consent_ from this child in order to teach him the horrors of shadow magic. It would have been easier to simply force it upon the other, but it was _not_ the way they did things in the living lands of the east. With a deep breath in (to quell the uneasiness that came with his former abduction) his red eyes met the little ones lemon-hued now excited gaze steadily.

“If you _want_ to learn… I will teach you.”

“Then I wanna’ learn.”

“It will not be easy.”

“Nothing has ever been easy.”

Zed was momentarily thrown off by the somewhat mature manner in which the other said that and was reluctant to brush it off as ‘a child parroting a wise thing even though they don’t know what it means’. He knew, he _knew_. This one was special, this dirty, scrawny little scrap of a being was something _different_ , and suddenly Zed was not so sure that something greater was not in play here… a force stronger than any technique he knew. Ionia and all her blessings had delivered this child onto him, and he was not a _hero_ , he was not to be _praised_ for taking this child under his wing. It was no longer solely his doing. Suddenly the Shadow orders leader found that smile from before sliding far easier onto his face, genuine and perhaps a touch thankful. 

“All right, _Shieda._ I will teach you.”

“Sh… i-eda?”

“Your Ionian name… from this day forward, you are one of us, Shieda Kayn.”

Kayn’s gaze became starstruck as he weakly waggled at the others arm in quiet excitement.

“ _Shiiieda_ Kayn…”

_... My student._


	2. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed probably /died/ because /he/ was too weak to save him… he was too weak to save anybody, for he could not even master himself. Brow pressed against the crown of his knees, Shieda spoke aloud with a voice that was hoarse and riddled with such a myriad of emotions that just hearing it made him feel sick.
> 
> “... Master… I-I think there is something... wrong with me.”
> 
> Kayn had always suspected this to be a truth; but confronting it head-on felt so… awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, trigger warning for this chapter!  
> for a lot of this chapter, kayn is having a breakdown / panic attack.  
> (ive always head-canoned kayn as being mentally troubled, due to just... how he is in general and how terrible his past was ;3; this coupled with being hormonal as a teen... yeah ;;)  
> i was young when i found out i had these issues too, so it isn't written from the perspective of someone who does not have them.  
> because of that reason, it might be very intense for people who deal with these problems.  
> sorry in advance ;u;
> 
> poor kayn... i wanna hug him  
> (i teared up writing this chapter a few times im a wuss)  
> i hope you like! if you do, please show me in kudos or comments!  
> thank you so much for reading!

When Zed was not home, everything was… _awful._

So used to tottering around in the leaders shadow that when he went away on a dangerous mission Kayn did not know what to _do._ All at once emotions came rushing forth that he could not deal with and there were no words of wisdom to guide him, just the unending silence of his masters room as he stood, quivering, by the door. Every day he asked the Shadow orders members left behind,

“Is Master home?”

“When is Master home?”

“Did you see Master today?”

And _every_ time the young boy was met with teasing if no straight answer could be given; though it was not _spiteful_ , Shieda Kayn did not like others making a mockery of him. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t ‘cute’. It wasn’t something that he would ‘get over’. Even their attempts to soothe him went without pleasantries, often subjecting whoever attempted to help the fourteen year old to a flurry of nasty words and threats. Eventually people gave up attempting to calm him down and instead made a note to simply avoid the ruffian until their master returned… and this left the child alone with his thoughts for far, far too long. Never before had it been as long as _this_ time, though.

A few days was one thing… two _weeks_ when the mission was supposed to take _one_ was _another._

Zed was not home, and everything felt _terrible._

He had stopped eating three days prior due the anxiety of not wishing to run into his fellow acolytes in the dining hall (not that he had any appetite in the first place, for worry had killed it), and if they sought him out to see how he was faring he would attack them on sight. The young male couldn’t remember when he had last changed his clothes or had gotten any decent sleep, couldn’t remember what day it was any more and didn’t know whether to run around or to laugh or to cry until he was as empty as the night made him feel. Before his master had left he had been given a training schedule, but on day nine when Zed had not returned he had stopped visiting the training grounds to instead wait outside his door with a whimper permanently stuck in his throat.

If he were any other teenager perhaps he would see the value in some alone-time without the eyes of his caretaker upon him, but oh, not he. In the long absence of the other Kayn felt like the world was slowly slipping away, and things that should not be there now… _were._ It started off small, like the flickering of his vision or the sounds of the sea, but it grew. Fast. Soon he saw chains and dirtied floors and coils upon coils of rope, the kind they used to tie the children down before they shaved their heads in Noxus-- and at the very same time, saw _nothingness._ The nothingness that came when mud had obscured his eyes, when he had waited endlessly to be strung up or cleaved in two for simply existing upon a foreign shore. If it was daytime paranoia came as the clinking of cutlery or the creaking of rope in the training grounds… and if it was night? He could not think of the night and the glowing embers of a faraway shore _burning_ to ash, or the flickering of the watchman's candle as he counted them like sheep.

It was day fifteen… and something-- perhaps _everything_ \-- caused the teen to _crumble_.

Trying to stifle his weeping, Kayn slid himself down against the aforementioned door with his long sleeves balled at his eyes to try and hide the evidence of his sorrow-- why couldn’t he have gone too?! Nothing was too dangerous for _him_! He was a prodigy after all, incredible with every weapon handed off to him, never faltering in the face of any weather and _definitely_ old enough to go on ‘dangerous’ missions. The boy felt like a dog tethered to a spot while everyone did _good_ things like killing and saving people, and that was no good! _He_ was no good here, at home, with all these _idiots_ who couldn’t protect him if something bad came in, because without Zed there was no safety--!! Just thinking about how alone he was within the vast halls of the monastery suddenly caused pain to lance through his chest as if he had been struck by a blade--

_What’s happening to me!?_

Kayn did not know what his own body was doing, why the world suddenly felt so _unbearable_ to live in and why he could not calm the ferocious pattering of his heart in his chest. Noiselessly his fists clenched and unclenched against the fabrics of his attire and his eyes tirelessly darted about the area, looking for things he knew were not there. Why, _why_ did his past keep coming back to haunt him? It was if no matter how far he ran away from Noxus it was there for him when no-one else was, a weight attached to a length of string that was pulled so taut against his throat that he could not breathe. Was it foresight? Was it a curse? Was it _reality_ coming for him in a moment where everything felt like a dream…?

What if the watchmen saw one was missing? What if the commander called his dogs to sniff him out? What if the boat came _back_ for him…?!

 _No!! Things aren’t like that any more!! I’m_ **safe** here--

… But what if he _wasn’t_?

A hand came up to smack against his head-- nothing changed. He hit himself again and waited to see if the thoughts would fall out of his ears, but they did not. It made him feel very small, very vulnerable and at risk from unseen issues that could be felt clawing at his insides as if they were threats that existed in that very moment; as if any shadow down the hall could be someone wanting to hunt him down. Though there were multiple pauses for attempts at rational thought his radical emotions would _not_ allow his mind to settle down, and with his breath coming quickly the young assassin began to tear weakly at the door with his nails scraping against the wood. Shieda had not been given the order to come in and thus… he could not enter. A locked door between him and terror--

_Master! Open the door!! Let me in!! I think-- I think maybe I am in **danger!!**_

Came the erratic shouting of his inner voice as tears sprung to his eyes once more and the tips of his fingers began to grow sore from his scrabbling. Didn’t Zed understand?! Did _anyone_ understand how alone he felt or how scared he had become?! Everyone was gone! They had fled! It was just him and the past now, the awful, dangerous past that always seemed to be two steps behind him-!

_I’m not in danger! I’m not in danger!! None of this is real!! Master, it hurts so much--_

… They were waiting in the shadows, those hounds. They were big and black and the slobber from their mouths were said to cause the skin to burn, and they were _waiting_ for him nearby. No-one would save him or help him, they would all turn their heads and run from the monstrosities as he got torn to pieces alive by their long, terrifying fangs… and how the watchmen would _laugh_ seeing him get torn to ribbons! Down the corner, around the main hall, in the darkness of the pillars or outside at the gardens edge they were getting closer and _closer_. Kayn thought for a panicked moment he could hear their breath hot against his arms, but it was his own out-of-control huffing and panting as he ceased his fruitless endeavor with the door and instead decided to _run._

_Master can’t-- **won’t** save me!!_

Kayn did not stop running until he was at his private quarters; a simple affair with nothing but a bed and a bookcase and a large leather bag filled with stuffing that he liked to hit when he was angry-- that wouldn’t help him now. The bookcase could, though. Crashing into the space (and almost tumbling head over heels) the young man haphazardly shoved the bookcase in front of the door to block the entrance so that no-one could reach him any more. This was isolation, in a small square where the light shifted through a window to bathe him in his brilliance… and yet that light felt cold. Everything felt cold. Everywhere was frigid and every time he moved to press his fingers against a different part of himself all he felt was cold, cold, _cold._

It felt like he wasn’t there any more--

“I _hate_ you!!”

Kayn _howled_ these words to his bed, to the stuffing, to the window in a manner that would make it tremble in its frame. His feet found a book that had toppled off of its resting place, and it was kicked so brutishly that the pain-spike felt in his toes was second to the image of the object smacking itself against the wall violently.

“You _left_ me!! I knew it!! You’re a _liar_ and I _hate _you, Master!!”__

Did it matter what he screamed? He wasn’t there after all, Shieda was convinced the real him was already back on a boat heading to Noxus. They had recaptured him. They had waited until his master was gone and then they had stolen him away from his home. The boy had finally ran out of tears to cry on his rampage, gathering books in his arms instead so that he could throw the entire pile onto the ground as an act of defiance… to no-one. It felt right. It felt better to lash out and bite and growl and kick and scream than it did to cry and beg and whine, and in the moment Shieda’s rapidly shifting mood would change again as he thought;

_It doesn’t matter that he's not coming back!! I’ll kill them; I’m armed!! I am dangerous, too!! I’m not just a **kid** , I’m an assassin!! I’ll kill them! I’ll, I’ll--_

“You said you’d make sure nothing bad happened to me!! I hate you!! You’re probably dead because you didn’t let me come with you-- I can’t stand it, I, I, argh!!”

Book after book he kicked with his fists finding the wall, the door, the bed and anything in-between. Nothing helped, nothing made him feel any better, and as he continued to expend energy he did not have he found himself growing weak… sickness grew in his stomach and brought bile to his mouth. Inside and outside he felt a pain that begged him simply to stop, but that was so, so hard. His mind wished for violence and an outlet, but his body was worn, underfed, pale and now peppered with blood at the knuckles. Shieda's inability to fight off whatever came to him had won again… and breathlessly he came to a sit with his back against the bed, head tilted skywards.

The teens breath huffed slower than before but it fluttered and stuttered and sometimes stopped all together as Kayn tried in vain to get himself under control. Shaking hands rose and fell in the same breathing technique that the Shadow orders leader used to sometimes get himself together, but the moment the yellow eyed teen remembered that he had taught him that the movements ceased. No. No more Zed.

Zed was not home, and it felt like nobody cared, because the only person who did was gone.

_Maybe he left… because of how I **am.** _

It took another long hour of stillness and deliberation upon that thought before Shieda began to dejectedly think about his past actions; how awful those things he had spoken before were. Now, instead of anger or fear all he felt in the empty space of his heart was a sullen sort of embarrassment for how he had lost himself so easily to emotion, even if he could not help it. With everything out there was little to be found within and thus little to be done, his room was wrecked and the kid could not find the strength to even stand to fix what was broken. The young male felt ashamed... and that shame bit him as ferociously as all the other emotions had in the hours prior as his little frame was pulled together so tightly by his arms he felt his bones creak.

He didn’t hate his master, he couldn’t. Kayn thought about how he had panicked at the door and his clawing and looked to the bookshelf barricading the door in a skewed manner; how stupid it all was. How pathetic and weak he had been, how empty and yet so full he had been with rage and sadness and fear and despair. Zed probably **died** because he was too weak to save him… he was too weak to save anybody, for he could not even master himself. Brow pressed against the crown of his knees, Shieda spoke aloud with a voice that was hoarse and riddled with such a myriad of emotions that just hearing it made him feel sick.

“... Master… I-I think there is something... wrong with me.”

Kayn had always suspected this to be a truth; but confronting it head-on felt so… awful.

* * *

_Knock knock knock._

The banging of the wooden door woke Shieda up with a start as he looked about in slight worry-- ah… he had fallen asleep somehow, claimed by a dreamless, dark state that saw one of his arms go numb. There was no hurry to answer whoever was standing there. Probably some acolyte who had heard him screaming, or maybe the medic wondering why there were dashes of his blood against the masters door-- but everything changed when he heard a voice, strong and true, crossing the threshold into his room--

“Kayn…?”

All at once the teen sprang to his feet, grabbed the bookcases edge and thrust it to the side so savagely that it barreled hard into the wall with a loud thud-- just as loud was the swinging open of the door to reveal… a familiar figure. A familiar shadow. A familiar gaze downwards with dark red eyes, the familiar straight line of a perplexed mouth. What was not familiar was the plain clothes that his master was wearing and the bandages that encased his shoulder all the way down to his forearm, coupled with the thin strap of white that crossed his brow with a padded square against a still bleeding wound.

_He came back… he really did come back…_

He would not touch the master until invited; and thus, standing there with the beginnings of quiverings claiming his fingers as its own, Shieda felt tears spring to his eyes and his lips begin to wobble pathetically. It had all been for nothing. All the yelling, all the hatred, all the panic had been fruitless, but a hectic waste of time that had taken away all of his will to even breathe… but that was not the main root of those tears at the moment. They were partially flowing down his cheeks due to happiness at the others return, and partially due to sadness, for his savior had been hurt. The conflict was starting again. Happiness and sadness and that shame from before came flooding back to run ice cold in his veins as the young male stood there, noiselessly crying, with his eyes unblinkingly set upon his master.

Zed drew himself into a slow, pained crouch, and gave the instruction to come forth; a simple stiff gesture with his dominant, injured arm.

“I’m sorry.”

Kayn’s legs carried him as fast as they could. His skinny arms were thrown about Zed’s throat (where his grip almost made the adult choke just a tad) and he disappeared against the crux of the others unbandaged shoulder and arm. It felt right again. Warm again. Felt like he could stand again and could fight again and could mend all the things that he had done wrong, for there in his masters arms there was a strength he could never find on his own… and it felt so good. His comfort was back, and it was composed of the wood-y, leather-y smell of his master and the arms that came about him in a hug that always felt so gentle despite the strength behind his muscles. When the leader spoke everything else became background noise.

“We were ambushed. I could not return home faster to you; I tried… but I was not strong enough to travel.”

The noise that jumped from his students throat was essentially not composed of any proper words, but the tone was of surprise. Zed knew him well enough to know exactly what he meant to say, even without speaking.

“Hmm…” The hum shook Shieda’s frame, “I cannot be strong all the time.”

It had not occurred to Kayn that his master knew, straight away, what had happened while he had been gone. It would take a blind man not to see truths in the chaos of his room, the state of his hands, the unending river of tears and the way his arms shook as they held onto the other for dear life. It is why the master continued, softly, patiently and with a heaviness to his tone that conveyed some sort of sadness,

“... No-one can be strong all the time, Kayn. Not you, not me. But that is all right. As long as we pick ourselves up we are allowed to fall sometimes…”

Zed hooked his thumbs under the young teens arms and pulled him away a little to stare into those always troubled seeming eyes with his own, calm gaze.

“... But we get back up and we get stronger. Can you say that for me?”

Shieda tried to gather all that he had inside to speak in a cohesive manner instead of simply latching himself back onto the others body in an instant.

“W-We get back u-up, and we get s-stronger.”

_But I am so weak without you…_

“And it’s ok to fall down.”

_And I keep falling down…_

“It’s ok… t-to fall down.”

Quiet, quaking, the fourteen year olds hands came together to wring against the other nervously as he attempted to etch those words into his brain so that they would never be forgotten again; at the same time, the boy was following his masters gaze as it roamed about his haggard form quietly. If the teen had any concept of how awful he looked in the presence of his proverbial God he would not have left the shadows of his room, but alas… the elation that came with simply being near the other male had been too much to deal with. It was still too much to deal with. In a running trait that would be far more prevalent as he grew, the child barked out suddenly,

“I-I missed you.”

A pause, but only a brief one. His masters expression seemed to harden briefly as he pressed an arm to a knee and stiffly rose to a slow stand. Pain… Zed’s body was riddled in visible pain, but Shieda observed that his words were true; he got back up. He kept on going. The sudden ruffling of Kayn’s hair was so tender and gentle that it made his cheeks warm, his body automatically drawing closer to the others as his teacher commented ever so gently,

“I missed you too, Shieda.”

“... Even… though I ‘fell down’?”

Zed’s smile was ever so soft.

“You will never fall to a place where I cannot pick you back up again.”

_Thank you... so much._

“You promise…?”

“I promise.”

_I… love you, master._


	3. Trail-tail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, the big question is; are you lost, master?”
> 
> /... Sometimes… yes. I do not have the answers to everything, and even as I age I find I am still discovering new things about life that I never knew before. I am thankful, Kayn, that you exist to teach such lessons to me. I understand now. I understand that no matter how old you get… you will still be my Shieda, won’t you?/
> 
> Zed gave a grunt of feigned nonchalantness, brushed Kayn’s hand off of his shoulder and cast a glance towards both the Trail-tail and its mimic, sitting there calmly in its snow-packed form.
> 
> “... Yes, because I was going to get lunch and you distracted me with birds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha, i meant for this one to be short, but then i got too into it!!!
> 
> zed continues to struggle with showing kayn affection, except this time, he actually decides to be gentle.  
> ionia is a place for everyone and anyone, (and in my mind is) a land where creatures arent brought up with any internalized homophobia. whereas a man in the west would worry that it 'sounds gay' or 'is girly' to call another man cute, this isnt really a problem for zed.  
> his worry with showing affection is because hes afraid of loving, showing love and then getting heart-broken... just like with all that went down with shen.  
> kayn is a very complex person, so zed just wants to tread carefully.  
> at the end of it all though, zed is still very much a 'dad'.  
> kayn will always be his little boy ;u;  
> even when hes taller!!
> 
> i hope you like, please feel free to comment and kudos~!

Catching Kayn being playful was not a simple affair.

Though twenty years old and half ravaged by the mark of a Darkin, Zed knew long ago that the childhood his pupil never had would catch up to him. In public, while on duty or near others his usual arrogant facade would prevail; ‘all teeth’, as the white haired man would put it. Snarky and unsociable though _not_ unliked by the other acolytes, he had become a figurehead of what they all wished to achieve and as such basked in the glow of their praise with his head held high. This was how the commoners and his enemies knew him, too. All pride and punishment, too quick to be caught off guard, too talented to ever let himself be seen as anything other than how he _wished_ to be seen.

It was different when he was with Zed, however.

When it was simply the two of them, the edges of Shieda’s persona softened a little. His laughter was no longer sharp and he found enjoyment out of telling little jokes as he followed his leader about in the same manner that he had when he was a child-- swiftly skittering about his heels like a puppy to its master. Sometimes the man switched sides within moments of each other as he swept his arms about excitedly, sometimes he was shrouded in a sweet sort of coyness as he hung on Zed’s every words, and sometimes he even had the gall to talk _over_ the man that had raised him, no matter what ‘respect’ dictated.

Zed liked this Kayn very much… and understood why he trusted him and him alone to show this side of himself to. These little moments of gentle reprieve from the usual storm that was his presence would, if viewed by other people, conjure up phrases along the lines of ‘Kayn is going soft!’ or ‘Kayn isn’t so heartless after all!’, ending all the work he had put into his reputation in but a single moment. The younger males secret was safe with him. After all… no matter how much the master wished to deny it, seeing Kayn revert back to a younger, more playful self made him almost do the same.

But Shieda was softest when he was _alone._ Finding Kayn trapped in these moments was rather akin to deer-stalking; the assassin knew when others were near, was always alert and ever so quick to push any soft emotion so deep down into himself that it would make anyone second guess. It had happened a few times. Zed had caught Kayn watching the flowers dance in the wind with interest, had watched him play with the fishes in the river beside their mission camp and had seen him drawing with the tip of his finger on a window that was steamed from the heat within and the rain outside. 

And now Zed was watching Shieda make... something.

Having just walked by one of the corridors windows, red eyes caught movement in the gardens beside the stone wall to his left; it was snowing just enough to make everything hazy in the calm winter wind, the ground already a foot or two deep with the flurry. Thankfully Kayn was _not_ topless (for Zed had told him off about the danger of being topless in below-zero conditions many times). Donning a sheep-skin coat in deep shades of cream and tan, he too was peppered in the gentle snow-fall as the young man drew himself into a crouch to gather some snow by the leather boots that adorned his feet. The leader’s eyes squinted as he attempted to see _what_ Shieda was doing exactly, but could not peer about the light dampening curtains… for once the desire for shadows was thwarting an ‘operation’. They’d have to be moved, and that was hazardous when the others gaze was ever so keen-- he didn’t want to spook the other out of the moment. Instead, patiently, the stealthy leader awaited the moment that Kayn collected more snow before shifting the curtains ever so slightly to reveal what his student was doing--

_... I see._

Sitting upon the old stone wall was a meticulously sculpted ball that had clearly been patted and sheared at by gloved hands over and over to reach such spherical perfection. Attached to the ball were two things; at its ‘back’ was a mess of stalks and wild grass that had been clumped together to make a ‘tail’, and on top of the sphere there was a smaller sphere with a little cone at its front. It was a bird. Zed knew it was a bird before the wings had even been attached, such items still in Kayn’s hand as he attempted to make little crescent moons for its sides with each one possessing wild-grass, placed in a manner that was almost fan-like. Not only was it remarkably crafted for someone who had never shown any interest in any kind of art, but the look on the young assassins' faces was somewhat... _priceless_. Like everything he did, one hundred percent of his effort was being poured into crafting this snow-bird upon the wall, mouth set in a straight line of concentration with his brow crinkled ever so gently. 

Zed decided rather quickly that he wished to praise the other for his crafting achievement, for the chance to catch such a rare and delightful scene in the flesh was all too precious a concept. An outlet for Kayn was an outlet for Kayn, and the more the boy-- _man_ had, the better! As the master abandoned the window and walked the long corridor with a mute eagerness about himself, he almost felt _cheerful_ (even if it didn’t show upon his stern face) about their soon-to-be meeting-- however... the moment he reached the door and slid it back, the wooden frame creaking ever so gently…

… Kayn’s fist was _plowed_ into the snow creature, rending it into a thousand pieces.

From a distance, Zed blinked and paused in surprise. 

_... Shieda, why…_

The young man immediately dropped into a bow.

“Master.”

“...” 

The older male slid the door shut behind him and advanced upon his pupil calmly, trying his best not to let his eyes stray to the mess of grass and snow that was littering the wall now instead of the lovely sculpture his student was making… it had been so carefully and thoughtfully made that Zed even knew what bird it was. _Was._

“... Why did you destroy the Trail-tail?” The leader questioned, hands sliding behind his back. Kayn rose from his bow with round eyes, a touch of embarrassment upon his face.

“What Trail-tail?”

“ _The_ Trail-tail. The one that was _here._ ” Zed exercised his authority with a single finger pointing to its once resting place. “You made it with snow and grass…”

“... I… hm.” The assassin's voice was guilty.

“... I thought it looked wonderful.”

The way that was spoken was with so much heartfelt disappointment that Zed not only surprised _himself_ with how _emotional_ he sounded but he also surprised Shieda, whose mind was no doubt racing about in his skull in that moment. 

This was a careful game they often played as silence hung about their snow scattered forms. Too much emotion and Kayn would immediately falter under him… too little, and the man would never know he cared. Every emotional confrontation had become like this as Kayn had learnt to keep himself under control, mastering his own stony facade with the same talent that Zed himself had, because nobody _knew_ Shieda like he did… how often he cried, how often he was afraid, how often he was disappointed and paranoid and gentle and kind. These were the things that none had the pleasure of seeing but he. Thus, even when the younger assassin _tried_ not to show emotion, the only one in the room never fooled was the only one better than he at it.

_Don’t feel bad… we can make this right, can’t we?_

As such, it was incredibly important for anyone who dealt with Kayn in any way whatsoever to note that while outwardly (bar the Darkin’s mark) he seemed normalish, inside that head of his were a series of wires that were all tangled up-- at least, that was Zed’s way of envisioning it. People who lived ordinary and unremarkable lives had these wires as straight as the ones that could be found taut upon the face of a stringed instrument, and those who did not? Well, the more life derailed itself the more those strings began to tangle. His own were a mess, but he had had time to _grow_ as those wires slowly furled… but Shieda? Since a child _his_ had always been tangled and knotted and frayed and wound up so tight that his mental ability to deal with emotional things had been shorn completely from him. 

And there _was_ emotion on that quiet expression of the others. It was in his eyes, in the lines at the corner of his mouth and at the curling of his brow. It was evident in the way he positioned his hands against each other in almost a shy manner. Zed saw self disappointment and _confusion,_ for Kayn didn’t know _why_ he had destroyed the art piece… and now he was ashamed that his first thoughts were to hide it from his master. It was but an impulse, a thoughtless action that had not meant to mean anything... and yet it most certainly had. The leader did not sigh, gain a mood or scold him further. Shieda was a creature that needed to be ‘worked’ in a certain way, and he knew _exactly_ how to make his pupil feel better. 

“Go on, then.” A casual lean against the wall, blowing a piece of his fringe from his face. “Build it again.”

_You will say ‘yes, master’ and get back to doing what you were having fun doing, wont you?_

“--Yes, master!” Without a single beat of hesitation, the man started his snow sculpture again. “I’ll make it even _grander,_ this time.”

He was twenty years old with a face overtaken by a thick red-grey carapace that had completely engulfed his eye, his chest and his left arm; a monster, a mass murderer, a lethal assassin. Perhaps Shieda Kayn was all three at once, but all Zed saw as he watched his student tirelessly work was the same boy he had been raising all these years. Talented and gifted and eager and obedient, opinionated and sassy and sometimes wild. He was strong, brave and ever so _quiet_ , the perfect candidate for the Orders next leader.

_... Cute, too. I hate to admit it, and I can never say it out-loud, but…_

Shieda was _cute_. For Zed, ‘cuteness’ did not mean attraction, desire or lust; he was _cute_ in the way that watching a toddler try to walk was cute, or how little fae creatures were cute. Watching him there, fluffy haired, eager eyed and excited to rebuild his Trail-tail, ah, it made the older man’s chest burn with some pleasant emotion that he hoped would stay there forever. It didn’t matter if his student was now taller than he, was almost as strong and was very much a grown man in all ways, like a… p…

_I promised myself I’d never call myself a parent._

… Evidently he had been grinning a little on the outside, because Kayn had stopped to stare at him hesitantly.

“Are… you alright, master?” Shieda asked with his brows arched upwards. “You were… smiling.”

_You **coward.** Tell him. Do not be afraid to show him lov--_

“I was thinking about the Trail-tail… and the stories I once was told about them.”

 _You are pathetic… this happens every time._

“They have stories…?” Kayn echoed-- he was remaking the face again, fingers working to delicately create a beak upon the ball. 

Sadness was creeping about his ribs to strangle that warmth from before, but unlike the smile he _refused_ to let that show. The disappointment was with himself, not with the other. The sadness that came with Shieda so easily believing his lie made him wonder about trust… how much he was given, and how _little_ he gave back. Swallowing thickly with his eyes fluttering shut, Zed’s grip upon the wall hardened ever so slightly. Focus. The assassin saw in his mind's eye the image of his youthful, spry apprentice dedicatedly making a little snow creature for him, and dragged that sweetness from the lock-box it often retreated to.

_Let me try again._

“The sighting of a Trail-tail in spring brings the new-green, and in the summer, wildfires. In the autumn it signals first snow, and in the winter it shows those lost where to go. This is why you only see them at the crux of the seasons… did you see one?” 

_I’m going to tell you a secret._

“Hm! I did. It was walking about the tree-tops.” 

“Were… you lost?”

Kayn did a double-take at the others expression. Ah, he wasn’t quite sure why Zed was smiling again-- he so rarely smiled that if it happened even once a month that sometimes felt too much. Those blood-colored eyes watched in interest as his pupil studied his face critically, knowing that Shieda was thinking hard again about what had been said, what he was going to say in return and what he was even doing in this scenario in the first place. With a gentle ‘tut’ Kayn whipped his head around with his bangs almost, _almost_ covering the pink that had risen to his cheeks.

“ _No._ I _never_ get lost.” Came the pouted mumble, twirling a grass-stalk between his fingers. 

_I trust you not to tell anyone._

“Who is lying… you or the Trail-tail?” And Zed tried and _prospered_ ; his deep voice rolled in a gentle taunt as he teased his student in such a soft manner that Kayn wanted to drop the tail he was crafting and flee. Surely this couldn’t be Zed? The same Zed who was always growling and stalking and snorting and glowering? No, it wasn’t. It was… ah! The leader observed his pupil’s light-bulb moment as the long haired male no doubt remembered where _this_ Zed was from; the past… when he was younger and smaller and his masters silliness had been almost _common_ compared to whenever it was seen now--

“The Trail-tail?” And Shieda played back, his own grin sharp, voice now filled with his signature arrogance. “I _never_ lie; I am _insulted_ you’d even imply otherwise…”

“You lied a few moments back, when you destroyed your bird.” Though Zed pointed this out rather seriously, the moment wasn’t lost. 

“I simply misspoke.” 

“Now _that_ is a lie.”

The two men broke into laughter; the bass of Zed’s chuckling underlining the soft trills of Kayn’s in unison-- and for that glorious few seconds the world was so... _beautiful_. There were no utterings of war afar, no political drama to cloud their heads, they had no enemies gunning for their blood and nature herself was at rest with them both. It was simply them, the swaying of evergreen trees and the gentle rattling of the wooden doors as the breeze swept about them like a blanket, manifested by the dancing of snowflakes. So tender was the moment that both battle-worn ninja’s had decided to look away from each other to preserve their prides, mindlessly gazing at the sereness of the landscape as thoughts settled like snowfall upon them.

His apprentice was awfully… flustered, Zed realized. Kayn’s eyes were quietly fixated upon the almost completed snow-bird with his fingers pinching the snow about some grass to once more make the wings… he was contemplating something, his master knew that much. Pleasure came in the fact that there was no sharp retort or backlash from the man, something that Zed seemed to _always_ expect from _everyone_ when it came to admitting his feelings-- but this lack of negativity meant more to the man than being proof that his student was fine with his gentleness. It meant that Zed could continue. That the moment was _right_ to finally say what he had always wanted to say, there against a glittering backdrop of white and green and grey.

_My secret..._

Zed’s eyes flickered from Kayn and back to the bird only once before his courage sought the others gaze, even if he adamantly avoided him so.

_... I am strong enough to say it now._

“Kayn?”

Shieda snapped to attention, almost knocking the bird off of its stone platform as a wing was carefully pressed against its flank.

“Master?”

_You’ve done scarier things than this. Get it together._

“Seeing you do something like this… it makes me really happy. And as usual… you are good at it, even if ‘it’ is making a bird out of snow and grass.” The leader extended a single finger to pet the Trail-tail ever so gently upon the head, afraid of breaking it and it’s oddly sweet blank stare. 

_But what’s truly fear inducing is… that I don’t know what you’re going to do when you hear what I have to say._

Those eyes had finally met his, yellow and red, round and slit pupiled at the same time. He saw apprehension, nervousness and excitement reflected there in those mix-matched colors. Shieda was waiting with baited breath… he could _not_ let his student down now. The slow rising of his shoulders and a long, soft exhale…

“... It’s cute, Shieda. When you act like you used to it reminds me of our past… back when you were small. I think, in moments like this, _you_ are cute.”

Silence. 

What would it be? Sass? Hot-headed-ness? Or would his student simply flee from the scene without saying another word to him (he had done as such in the past!)? Coyly, those dark red eyes slid about his companion with curiosity----

“Master? Permission to… hold you?”

“... Granted.”

_Shieda..._

This child of his was erratic, mouthy, dangerous, dominating… now reduced to nothing more than a kid once more as he slowly tottered ever so close to his master in the same manner as he did when he sought comfort as a boy. He always asked for permission and rarely initiated comfort without it. There was so much happiness and joy radiating in his eyes that it was entirely easy to miss the _sadness_ that underlined it, his grin threatening to fall off of his face entirely-- and Zed knew why. 

_You’ve been waiting for me to say this... it means a lot to you, doesn’t it?_

The older of the two ninja’s did not spare a moment of thought to what his arms were doing as they immediately furled around Shieda’s body the moment he got close. They never shared contact any more. The last time that they _had_ was on a mission months prior, where he had to drag his yowling student over his shoulder and march back to camp due to an injury… and it was not the same. Nostalgia for the old days were what had fueled his sweet advance, but the fact that his Kayn was still… _his Kayn_ was what spurred Zed’s hugging to morph from a quiet hold to something with _pressure._ Something that could be _felt_ through the stiff sheep-skin coat, something that did not _ask_ for attention back, something that was tangible and real and quiet and timely, for the man did not let go as the seconds passed, counted by the warmth of his so…

_S… student. My student._

… Student’s breath upon the top of his skull. Said student seemed both elated and frightened in his grip, possibly grappling with the idea that this could all be a dream or that his leader was under the influence of something to make him so… soft. Tentatively the shadow assassins arms would raise, one human, one Darkin, to reply to the hug with the gentlest grip of his own with not a single word spoken. And that was ok. They were allowed to hold each other.

_Your heart is racing… what is it you want to say? I hear the breath catch in your throat every time you try... I believe in you. You can do it. I’ll help you._

“Shieda,” Zed spoke ever so quietly, “You have permission in this moment to say and do what you want.”

_Now show me how you feel._

And so he did.

Immediately the older of the two males felt his feet lift ever so slightly off of the ground as the pressure applied to him became crushing-- it was a bear-hug that saw the spines of Shieda’s Darkin arms poke at his side through their coats, but it didn’t hurt enough to ruin the moment. The long haired man was making sweet noises of elation as he spun around on the spot with his master clinging onto him limply, red eyes as startled as they could be at the affection that had saturated every part of the shadow assassins voice,

“Thank you, master! Ah, but you’re silly. I _know_ I’m cute. In fact, I’m the cutest, even cuter than _you._ ” Came the halfly arrogant chuffing as he held Zed off of the floor, face hidden past the others shoulder where his chin softly rested. 

On-lookers, if there had been any, would comment with the rolling of their eyes that that was a very ‘Kayn’ thing to say. Sharp, witty, filled with self-confidence and importance. If only they knew how Shieda wielded those perceptions alongside his own haughtiness as a shield… for that voice was wavering after all, delivered without perfection, marred with a delicate kind of a love. The leader would follow along with what he had said without missing a beat, eager to engage the other while he seemed ever so playful.

“... Me? Cute?” He breathed, mouth pulled into a thin line. “I am the Wyrm of Ionia--”

“ _Hush._ Accept the compliment.”

“ _Compliment?_ ”

He could not help it. The smile that had been sitting upon his face before hand fast returned at a slant as he was placed back down upon the ground with a chuckle rolling about in his chest. The warmth that was now at the roots of his being were enough to keep away the slowly thickening snowfall, the wetness of his coat and the prior worry about admitting his feelings to his student. It was alright. It was _always_ alright. Shieda’s face was as pink as the cherry blossoms in spring but his expression was filled with such a youthful brilliance that when it suddenly became an expression of surprise, Zed was almost alarmed.

“Master-- look.”

A dramatic twisting of his head to cast his gaze against the wall; there, just behind it, were shades of emerald painted softly against feathers of white… a Trail-tail was adorning the scene, staring at the two with its round blue eyes inquisitive. It’s bushy back end was leaving unusual marks upon the sheet of white as it hopped to and fro from bracken branch to ground in search of winter berries, undeterred by the wind and snow that coated its back every time it paused for too long. A voice rose up in the silence, utterly _smug_ in nature,

“I _told_ you I wasn’t lying.” 

Zed’s smile slowly twisted itself into a smirk.

“I admit I was wrong.” 

Shieda’s hand came down to pat the leader upon the shoulder.

“So, the big question is; are you lost, master?”

_... Sometimes… yes. I do not have the answers to everything, and even as I age I find I am still discovering new things about life that I never knew before. I am thankful, Kayn, that you exist to teach such lessons to me. I understand now. I understand that no matter how old you get… you will still be my Shieda, won’t you?_

Zed gave a grunt of feigned nonchalantness, brushed Kayn’s hand off of his shoulder and cast a glance towards both the Trail-tail and its mimic, sitting there calmly in its snow-packed form. 

“... Yes, because I was going to get lunch and you distracted me with birds.” 

The Shadow orders leader turned and began walking towards the door… and, as usual, like a dog to heel Kayn came jogging after him.

“I’m sorry, master.”

“...You aren’t really sorry.”

“... Nah.”

“My pupil is so sneaky sometimes...”

“And sometimes, _my_ master won’t admit that even though he is _sort_ of old, he looks cute when the big snowflakes get caught in his hair--”

“Shieda!”

_My Shieda._

_My…_

* * *


	4. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Master, how do you know when you like someone?”
> 
> Zed was not prepared for this talk.
> 
> /Oh… please, no./

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something short and silly for valentines day :P  
> this chapter is so awks.  
> someone please save zed.  
> while writing this chapter i imagined so many moments where zed is staring directly into the camera like hes in the Office  
> i wonder who he used to love? :thinking:

“Master, how do you know when you like someone?”

Zed was not prepared for this talk.

_Oh… please, no._

A fifteen year old Kayn was standing at his door with his hands upon the frame, gazing critically at him with his golden eyes shining. Zed paused to take a break from battering his training dummy to catch Shieda’s gaze… for a few moments before staring at the ‘head’ of his sparring partner-- oh no. Not only was he not _ready_ to have ‘the talk’ with the boy (something he had been putting off forever, for Kayn was already fifteen and becoming way too curious about… certain things) but he had never discussed this topic with anyone but his own master and Shen. A pause to catch his breath, hand swiping at the sweat at his brow.

“... Hm…” Quietly said, mind drawing a blank. “... Why are you asking such a thing?”

Shieda visibly puffed up, suddenly incredibly defensive in tone.

“ _Because._ I just wanna’ know.”

“... That sort of question… perhaps you can ask Tulu, Seya or Iwami--”

“I don’t want to ask _girls_!”

The leader of the Shadow order searched fruitlessly for ways out of this conversation but could find none. Cornered in his room without escape, suddenly dread overcame him with the ferocity of the waves at sea-- did his little Shieda _like_ someone? _Who?_ This was a boy that rarely let emotion get the better of him and seemed quite incapable of being gentle to anyone but _him_ \-- oh no, could it be… Zed kept sweating even though the workout was over. 

_Why me… why me… I am going to pretend he is not talking about me._

“I… see.” A master was supposed to have the answers to everything. “Well… I suppose you feel very happy around them and you wish to be with them a lot. You’ll… just know.”

“...”

“...”

The two caught each other’s eyes awkwardly.

“O... kay. Well, does it matter if it’s a girl or a boy?” Kayn pressed his toes into the wood somewhat shyly, even though his eyes retained their fire. 

“It does not matter what gender they are, no.” Zed replied confidently, though that confidence faltered fast; he could not have ever predicted the students' next words.

“So… what do you do when you think about them… like, their _body…_ when you’re alone? And you like what you see, and you can’t stop thinking about it?”

_**No.** _

Zed almost choked on the air as his hands came up to grab the training dummy as if it would give him some sort of comfort; it didn’t. Nothing helped, not the way that Kayn had _somehow_ crept closer nor the closed windows afar-- if he were a lesser man who did not value pride so heavily he would simply jump out of those windows and disappear into the night. The red upon the adults cheeks stemmed from how **awkward** this entire conversation was, alongside the fact that he did _not_ want to talk about this with his little protegee, who he naively assumed would never be _this_ forward about such a subject!

It was possibly due to the fact that Zed had known for some long while now that his living shadow perhaps had something akin to a crush on him. It wasn’t anything like a child’s love for a carer, it was something confused and grey and _very_ evident in the way that Shieda had been acting recently-- and of course it was one-sided. He loved Kayn like… like how a master _would_ love a student he had reared from youth. Evidently, the boy who had never known affection before him had latched onto his platonic gentleness and had ran away with it, keeping those moments close to his chest. Zed did not have the heart to stop him.

It made Shieda happy… how could he shear _love_ from one so… _unknowing_ about it? 

“Remember your meditations,” Zed breathed out in exasperation, trying to maintain his cool facade. _The_ meditations. The ones that were supposed to chase away _certain thoughts_ that had a _certain effect_ upon the body.

“They don’t work.” Huffed Shieda. 

_Mother below, please help me._

“Then meditate harder.”

“Harder? But I though--”

“ _Stop_.”

The master turned to his pupil and put his hands softly upon his shoulders, looking down upon the troubled youth with brows turned upwards. Zed knew that perhaps he should take a stronger stance against this subject and throw his own feelings out the window for his student, but he had been caught off guard and thus it was too late. They could have this conversation at another time when the adult had had time to prepare a lengthy speech upon the subject, derived from books and _not_ personal experience. Sure, he could simply throw a book at Shieda and tell him to get out, however he knew the others attention span would lead him straight back to his door.

“Sometimes, liking someone means liking them both for who they are and _what_ they are, too. That is natural, it is a part of growing up. As a member of the Shadow order, however, you must keep yourself trained on the greater task… love of such nature will only lead you astray.” 

_All love ever does is complicate things._

Zed thought he sounded rather clear, but the look of confusion only grew on Kayn’s face as he said blankly;

“Have you never been in love, master?”

Brief memories flashed in his mind; summer hazes and sweet nuzzlings, bodies pressed snugly against the winters cold, cute kisses as they chased each other through the meadows. All at once the ninja mentally locked these images back within his heart and removed his hands from Kayn’s shoulders before the other could feel the sudden tension in his body. That was a long time ago… and so much had happened to bury those pleasantries deep in the dirt. Evidently something had changed upon his expression, for Shieda coo’d softly in response,

“Sorry, master. I did not mean to pry.”

“It’s alright.” The young assassin's hair was getting so long that when it was tussled it almost completely covered his face. “It is a story for another time.”

“Ok.” Kayn was satisfied with not being nosy for that moment. “... Well, as I _was_ saying. So sometimes I wake up and--”

_No._

“Meditate, meditate, meditate--” Zed picked up his student as if he weighed nothing, turned him around and began pushing him out the door. Comically, Kayn held out his arms and grabbed onto the frame like a stubborn child, only causing his master to push harder--

“Master, please stop trying to get rid of me!”

“Kayn! I was _training_ , you interrupted your master! Do not be so disobedient.” The authority wielded in his voice meant little to nothing to Shieda. If it had been any other student they would have _fled_ due to the depth and strength of the ninjas tone… but, as feisty as ever, the young assassin had no fear about him. 

“You didn’t have to stop?! You could have sent me away but you didn’t!!”

“...” 

Zed really had no retort for that, because the other was kind of _right_. 

“Master, _you_ just don’t want to talk about it!”

Ah; a path away from this conversation had been opened by the others anger. It was time to enforce some punishment for that mouth that the other loved running so much…! Ever so snarky and ever so confident, the young assassin sometimes forgot who he was speaking to; If the ninja let the younger male get away with berating him as such he would do it more and more as he grew older and older. 

_Shieda is becoming a man… he will test me more and more. But not today._

“Remember who I am, Kayn!!”

The youth never saw it coming; out of nowhere Zed grabbed him by his arm and _tore_ that grip from the wood so that he could flip the child effortlessly over his shoulder. Kayn hit the ground with a _crash_ , the move not violent enough to break anything… but he knew it would sting at the very least, the floor-boards rattling with his chaotic descent. In somewhat of a daze the boy lay there, arms out and breath heaving-- It would have seemed that he was stunned, and so the leader moved to press his foot (gently) against the others stomach... but the moment there was movement Shieda twisted himself into a stand that teetered only a little as he grasped at his bearings. A punch thrown forward. Miss. A kick aimed at the side. Miss.

And so the wordless fighting began, Zed only somewhat trying to go lightly upon his rambunctious pupil who seemed ever so determined to beat the light out of him. The problem with this, of course, was that their size difference not only put the young fighter at an incredible disadvantage but it also made him obscenely easy to simply toss or bat aside. As it wore on it occurred to the adult that Shieda was actually getting more ferocious as opposed to getting worn out. Those attempts at his throat or legs were no longer just aimless punches but chops and thrusts that were getting ominously stronger and wilder as he got more and more frustrated-- it was time to end things. 

With the graceful swing of his leg Shieda’s own legs were swept so hard that he was taken clean off of his feet, once more sprawled out upon the floor-- but this time Zed did not give him a single inch. It took but a moment for his knee to bare down against the others breastbone as he took up a kneel _upon_ Kayn so that he could no longer get up.

“Feel better…?”

"..."

_…Oh._

His red eyes averted themselves from the absolutely flushed face of his gasping pupil, the same pupil who had perhaps been a little _too_ 'excited' about the events. It was absolutely ignored by the older man, but to Kayn… ah, the embarrassment was too much-- beneath his knee the teen began quivering, his heart fluttering wildly against his masters knee as he barked out loudly--

“MASTER!?”

“... Yes? What is it?”

“You _KNOW_ what!! Get off!! Get off, please!”

“You know the rules of sparring; admit that you lost, fir--”

“I LOST. LET ME LEAVE, MASTER.”

_Please do._

The older ninja rose and watched, in slight worry, as his wayward student bolted from the room with such incredible speed that he became nothing more than a blur. There was no doubt in his mind that next time they met Shieda would be incredibly nervy and awkward about the fact things had gone so _southward_ during a spar, of all things. Zed gave a short sigh, dashed to the entrance with his footfall as light as a feather as he called to Kayn’s retreating back before he disappeared around a corner--

“Wait, Shieda.”

Kayn stopped dead in his tracks, turning to stare from the end of a corridor with eyes as turbulent as a storm and as angry as the sky before one. 

“I did… love someone, once. Long ago.”

… The longest bout of silence. 

_... What was I trying to prove by saying that?_

“... Forgive me, master, but why would I care about love in a time like this?!" Kayns bow was as swift as his disappearence. "Goodbye!!”

… And just like that, he was gone. Rejected. Ah, ok then. Zed closed his door ever so gently, went to the center of his room, got upon his knees… and then flopped over in the same manner than an exhausted cat would, half lidded eyes peering out through snow-white fronds.

_I did not know keeping children would be so stressful. I say this to myself all the time, but..._

With an audible grumble he stretched his still-tense legs and arms out lithely against the wooden floor, turning ever so slowly so that he was essentially laying there, face down.

And for a long, long while… Zed simply laid there.

There… were no other options.

_... There is only one thing I can do now._

* * *

The next morning, when Kayn arose, a book was waiting for him at his bedside. With bleary eyes he grasped at it clumsily before bringing it in to take a gander at the cover; it took a moment of gentle head-tilting for him to read the strange, long words that were embedded into the leather.

_The… New, world encyy-clopedia of human ana… tomy._

…

“Master. _MASTER_!!” 


	5. The Deep dark I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This would be it, wouldn’t it? He’d be thrown to the Deep dark, and things like giant fish would bite all his flesh from his bones. With those hands free now he could bring them to his face so that he could rub feverishly at his eyes, determined not to meet the others gaze.
> 
> “... It’s the water.” Zed’s tone was so sure because there couldn’t be anything else that would freak the child out like that. Unless… “You won’t drown--”
> 
> “That’s what you think!” The toothy retort came as an explosion, for every time he seemed to have settled down a smidge he reared back up with fire and fury once addressed. “You don’t know where this water came from-- you don’t know the Deep dark!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for this chapter; gore, suicidal ideals.  
> this was a hard chapter for me to write, but only because i know i needed to tie it to the next chapter.  
> trying to convey how fear can wear a mask was always the goal of this one, however.  
> so this is a two-shot-- it will tie into the next chapter.  
> and THAT chapter will be even more daunting... possibly because im writing my own kayn (backstory) lore.  
> :P and the darkness in this chapter will be /nothing/ compared to the next.  
> i know some people dont like that sort of thing; if you don't, skip this chapter and the next!!  
> ill say one thing, however.
> 
> you cannot always trust kayns memories.  
> 👍  
> (in this chapter specifically :P)

“I’m not doing it!”

“But you must.”

“ _No._ ”

Kayn’s first days in the monastery had been… daunting at first. For a ten year old the ancient marble of its exterior stretched as high as the sky, accompanied by strange wood-weaved pillars and expensive looking glistening stained glass in narrow strips. Not only was it high up in the landscape but it was also impossibly large, a myriad of corridors and walkways designed to frustrate those who would ever be brave enough to vault the walls and enter uninvited. Kayn distinctly remembered Zed telling him _after_ he had gotten lost that it was intentionally confusing and not before hand. If the child would have _known_ he was going to get lost, he wouldn’t have _gone_ in the first place.

But that wasn’t the source of his frustration today. Instead, the young ones anger came from the fact he was standing a few feet back from the sound of slow moving water gently lapping against worn rocks. The stream that cleaved the monastery in two was rather wild-- fish still swam about it, and it contained other bits of nature such as moss or grass that danced at the edges of the stone it had carved through. Though only eight feet wide and a few feet deep, in summer it was the envy of all acolytes that got to stay behind and bathe in its clear waters… and in winter it became the bane of their existence as they had to either jump over its icy surface in the courtyard or walk to the bridge centered in its middle. 

Luckily it was coming up to the beginning of fall, and though the sunlight hung low the water was still relatively warm as it slid through the mountain-side. At the rocky edges of the river, in wooden lotus blossoms, milk-soap awaited use from anyone returning home against the rosy reds and brilliant green of fallen leaves.

Shieda couldn’t understand where the water came from, and every time his master said ‘underground’ or ‘from caves’ even less made sense. In fact, somehow that made the water more _evil._ Sprung up from some deep dark hole in a mountain, ever-flowing to nowhere in particular and shifting with whatever was at the bottom of the basin-- no. That was far too much. If there were _fish_ there could be _monsters_ and other terrible things just waiting to snatch him down, down to wherever the flow ran its course. 

“M’ not going in there. You don’t know about the _Deep dark_ so I’m not!” 

Zed, the man who had rescued him, was standing but a few feet away, brows raised.

“The… ‘Deep da--’”

“YES!!”

Kayn spat this heatedly as he remained crouched against the monasteries wall, holding into a beam for dear life. In Noxus, a bath was a wooden or _sometimes_ a porcelain tub, though Shieda remembered the hose most of all… but it was never like the Deep dark. To anyone peering in upon the scene, it would perhaps seem like a child was having a tantrum about not wanting to get into the bath-- but it was so much _more_ than that. Shieda didn’t want anyone to know how bad it felt deep down in the pit of his stomach, in a place where the light of his confidence couldn’t reach. That feeling, that _terror_ that made his eyes and nose run as his cheek came fast against the beam was exactly the same as what he had felt when he was upon the Deep dark but a week earlier… minus the rocking. His savior-- whom he was told to address as ‘master’ and not ‘commander’, had seemed to be just that until this point. A savior. So _why_ was he telling him to get in the wild-water and not in a tub for a bath!? The young child’s eyes grew dark from the memory.

 _“If you try and escape from the ship, the Deep dark will take you, children.”_ The foreman had spoken in his Bilgewaterian accent, looking down upon them from the deck through a narrow square. _“You cannot fight the Deep dark for it is all around you. It is the flashing eyes of predators in a lightless place where none can hear you! It strangles you, it pulls you down and takes your life as you struggle and tire! It is the home of all demons; the birth-place of tragedy!”_

Kayn remembered hearing all of the children begin to murmur amongst themselves, their eyes peering out of the small windows and down into the frothing, churning sea with their hackles raised.

_“It is another world down there… so listen to me closely. **Do not** try to escape… if you want to live.”_

Two days later, Chanton, a skittish, frightened young boy had lost his mind. Racing about the ships belly with the remnants of puke at his mouth he drove his nails against the wood, yelling and screaming that he needed to be let out. The foreman and his men did not comply. Cruel and frightened, the rest of the children had either turned their back on Chanton or threatened to _kill_ him if he kept throwing up, if he kept howling and if he kept _begging_... but nothing worked. Kayn, in his dark corner, had been huddled up against the other side of the hull when Chanton smashed a bleeding fist out of the window and began to climb through the porthole. Everyone was so _tired_ of him that none stopped him as he squeezed himself to freedom…

… And then disappeared as he fell, yowling cut off by the crashing of waves.

When they all looked out the port-side row, down into the dark, dark abyss of the sea… Chanton was nowhere to be found.

The Deep dark had taken him.

From that time on, none of them were allowed near windows any more as they all were boarded up with crate-scraps, confining the batch of kids to almost near darkness twenty four seven. Instead of sadness, all they felt was **anger** and _hatred_ for the child who had taken away their light-- and together their fear grew of the terrible mass of water that surrounded them in every direction. The foreman had laughed when the news hit him;

_“The weak will be no match for the Ionian demons…! They are better off below!”_

Chanton was not remembered as anyone but an annoyance who deserved to die. Kayn, a young girl and another boy (both of which shared the same face in his memory) had sat together and said it over and over again.

_He deserved to die._

Fear came from the darkness of the coiling waves as he had imagined time and time again what it felt like to have water fill you up so thoroughly that you dissolve into sea-foam and salt. An awful death. A terrible death. A death for people that deserved to die, and he did _not_ deserve to die… Frustrated, bristled with upset with the water that sprang to his eyes, Shieda began to bang his head in agitation against the wood with enough force for the _thump’s_ to echo about the courtyard. It… hurt, and he wasn’t sure _why_ he was doing it exactly, but it felt better than crying about it--

_I’m afraid…! And I hate it!!_

Of course, the headbanging was stopped the moment Zed slipped a hand between his sore forehead and the beam. Coming to a low crouch, the ninja said quietly,

“What’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s _wrong!!_ ”

_I’m scared of the water! Why am I scared of the water, stupid!! Stupid me!! Stupid Chanton!! It’s **his** fault I’m like this!!_

Kayn peered at the others hand as it moved to come down very gently upon his own… before trying to pry his fingers off of the beam-- in an instant, whirling around, not only did Kayn let _go_ but he threw himself upon Zed with the intent to bite. That didn’t work. Naturally he was caught perfectly as if his attempt to assault the other had been nothing, and now he was captured between those two hands and held in spot! Trying to get at the masters face with his fingernails, the white haired man gently held him away in a depressing attempt to stay unmarred.

“Do not attack me.” Came the serious tone, “We do not bite and scratch here.”

Of course, untrained, new to the concept of ‘behaving’ without a rod over his head and scatterbrained, both of Shieda’s hands came to claw at one of Zed’s. The leader was absolutely unflinching as Shieda drew blood. 

“I don’t want to go! Let me go, _let me go_!!” The child squawked with a volume that was close to a scream, feeling tears of frustration begin to grow hot at his eyes once more. The assault on the older males hand ended when he realized sheepishly that pulling off the ninja's skin was not going to make him let go… nothing probably was. This would be it, wouldn’t it? He’d be thrown to the Deep dark, and things like giant fish would bite all his flesh from his bones. With those hands free now he could bring them to his face so that he could rub feverishly at his eyes, determined not to meet the others gaze.

“... It’s the water.” Zed’s tone was so sure because there couldn’t _be_ anything else that would freak the child out like that. Unless… “You won’t drown--”

“That’s what _you_ think!” The toothy retort came as an explosion, for every time he seemed to have settled down a smidge he reared back up with fire and fury once addressed. “You don’t know where this water came from-- you don’t _know_ the Deep dark!!”

Zed came to a sit, legs folding up against each other; and his grip on Kayn loosened ever so slightly. It was not enough for the Noxian to ever consider running.

“So what is the ‘Deep dark’, Shieda? You know, if I’m going to look after you… I should know these things.” A calm tone; even though he was bleeding he was still so _calm_... it made Shieda pause ever so slightly. It didn’t make any sense.

Adults weren’t usually this _calm._

In the pens in Noxus, Kayn recalled a young girl who had been dragged against the ground until her face was black with grit and dirt into her space. Once the iron bars came down she cried and cried and cried until the _rest_ of them began to hiss and spit from their confinements, Kayn included, due to the fact that none could sleep while the female was howling her head off. The guard approached her with a wooden rod, but she did not quieten down. He hit the bars, she flinched and clutched at her head as if it had caused her some degree of agony-- but she did not stop. Like a sirens call off the shore or a siren signalling alarm the newcomer cried and screamed and yelled till blood flecked her lips.

 _“This is your last warning, Tamia.”_ The guard had grunted, an accomplice standing nearby with a fabric of sorts. _“You either shut up or you’ll be punished for disrupting the other children’s sleep.”_

_“LET ME GO!!”_

The bars were risen.

_“I’M SCARED, I’M SCARED, PLEASE!!”_

Aim was taken.

_“MONSTERS!! **MONSTERS!!** HELP ME, PLEASE, ANYONE, SOMEONE, H--”_

Kayn watched with a blank expression as the pole whip-cracked so hard against her jaw her teeth were sent clattering against the ground with a pitched rattling sound. Blood and bruising accompanied the hanging of her bottom jaw as Tamia had gurgled and clawed and spasmed; they took her by her wrists and dragged her, once again, against the floor and away into the darkness without a word between them. The boy, pressed up against his own cages front, had seen her just before she had vanished…

… Those eyes were stained red at the whites with one almost hanging from its socket.

That was the price to pay for **fear** , Kayn learned that day. That was the price to pay for feeling as if the world was about to collapse inwards onto you and _daring_ to let those emotions spill out of you. Tamia was not the first or last to become an example of what happened to boys and girls who felt they could not fight for Noxus and her glory… if you could not drag that fear down into the depths of your soul you would suffer and then _pay_ for said suffering. Tamia and her mauling stuck out in the frightened boys mind more than the others simply because he could have sworn, that in the instant before she vanished, that those blood-filled eyes had turned to him.

 _Help me,_ That gaze had asked. _Please… help me._

And so it _didn’t_ make sense that his savior, the man with the hair like fresh snow, was sitting there staring at him with the same calmness as the low-slung clouds in the sky. He expected the rod, he expected a hand, _anything_ to punish him for showing fear towards the wild-water-- but nothing came. Not even when he had caused the other to bleed… nothing. This simply couldn’t be. It wasn’t like that. This had to be a trick. Some sort of Ionian torture that involved you feeling like you were safe before they snatched it away from you. It simply couldn’t _be_ that you were allowed to be… _afraid_ in this strange, foreign land.

Perhaps, in his new c-- _masters_ grip, he would be held under the water's surface until no more thoughts came to him. 

_I won’t drown I won’t drown I won’t drown I don’t deserve to die I don’t deserve to die._

Kayn could not stop his body from suddenly quivering violently in the others grip-- like a frightened animal he ceased talking, suddenly unable to get those _eyes_ out of his mind-- _and_ stupid Chanton-- _and_ how _weak_ he was compared to the man holding him!! The Deep dark, the clashing of the pole, her bloodied gaze, the smashing of a window, and death at the hands of an Ionian poised and ready to kill. Shieda gathered up these fragments in his mind and searched for an answer to a silent question, _how do you become unafraid?_ If screaming does not work, if jumping does not work, if crying does not work then what _would_?! If he didn’t _deserve_ to die would the water still fill every inch of him till he was one with the waves??--

“... Shieda?”

Zed jostled him enough for him to snap out of his stupor-- and words came spilling forth as if a dam had just broken. Said words never conveyed more than what was asked beforehand. 

_What is the Deep dark, Shieda?_

“It’s!! It’s the _sea beneath the sea_! Where the light doesn’t go, and, and things take you and you die-- and even if you don’t deserve to die you might die _anyway_?? I saw it!! I saw it with my own eyes!!--”

_I’m going to die!!_

Absolutely chaotic in his master’s grasp as his arms began to flail in their search for the beam again-- but contact brought all his erratic and exhausting fidgeting to a halt. There was… a hand against his chest. So small and underfed was he that he felt like that hand spanned his entire rib cage, like those fingers could hook between the gaps and crush his bones without effort. The threat caused him to stop as his eyes flew to meet the abyssal reds of the others gaze--

_\--Am I going to be hurt?_

“Shhhh.” His master uttered calmly. “Let’s take a moment… to breathe. Copy me.”

_I am breathing! How does this help!!_

It took a few moments, despite such inner thoughts, for the Noxian to find himself following along simply because there was nothing else he _could_ do while occupied with the others grip (and it became obvious that he would not find freedom unless he at least obeyed). He watched as Zed purposefully took slow, drawn out breaths and at first stuttered from how unnatural it felt-- but after a few moments it felt easier… and easier still. Soon, both of the court-yards occupants were breathing slowly and in sync as panic waned and the terrible images fled to the fleeting shadows of his mind. It felt… easier to think. Easier to focus on the swell of the others chest than upon what lay behind him in the way of those murky depths. When his master was sure his heart was not going to break his ribs _both_ hands left him-- and Shieda was free to run away.

Yet he did… not. 

Something willed him to stay. Something he couldn’t understand.

“Listen to me, Shieda.” That voice was intoxicating… so low and smooth and calm that it felt like being wrapped within a sheet of wool. “You will not drown or be swept down to the sea, because I am here to make sure nothing bad will happen to you.”

_You… aren’t here to hurt me. Yes… I remember now. That was... your first promise to me._

Kayn gave a dim nod, eyes averting to the sides. He did not know what to say in return; nothing that fell from his lips could ever be as gentle or as confident as the others words. 

“I… I saw it though…” 

The endless dark through a small window of a rocking boat staring back. It had smelt of salt and copper from the blood that adorned the broken window shards…-- but before the young one could relapse back into thought his hand was suddenly engulfed by the others as the man drew himself into a stand.

“Come look at it with me.”

… And, as if entranced, Shieda obeyed.

His rebellious spirit had been chased off by something along the lines of ‘kindness’; it would have been so easy to rush forth and disappear into the monastery in anger and it would have been easier still to continue on his protest against the beam-- but. There were no bars or rods or the flapping of sails in hectic winds. No hoses, no porcelain baths. It was just him and the man who had saved him, the man who did not raise a single hand against him even when he had snapped and snarled and clawed off the skin at his hand. 

It made him feel _strange._ He could not comprehend that someone like this existed… someone who seemed so eager to _put up with him_ and-- and-- _oh!_ Guilt, guilt for _yelling_ and harming him, guilt for grabbing that beam and for hissing like a beast! He was a terrible boy, was he not? A terrible soldier for running off with the enemy and a terrible creature for meeting someone so _lovely_ and then treating them as if they were nothing but filth. The first gentle adult he had ever known in his life, and single-handedly he was ruining what sweetness was given to him with his own jaws and nails and words. Bastard child. Piece of shit. Little rat. 

Kayn was so used to the darkness that the light shone upon him by his new master every time he felt himself sinking was almost… holy feeling.

_Maybe I **do** deserve to die--_

And the light came again.

“Look.” The master’s free-hand pointed down into the water below. “I want you to see that there's nothing to be afraid of.”

Shieda’s eyes did not go downwards; they stayed locked upon the other almost religiously, as if he was afraid that staring into the water would suddenly undo the strange sense of calm that had befallen him. If he looked away now surely he would be alone again, right? If he took his eyes off of this _saint_ the monsters would come and Noxus would come rushing back like the tide to the shore, eager to chew upon his heart and soul. Noting his dedicated gaze, Zed did not miss a beat-- their contact was broken, and dressed in trousers and a shirt the leader simply… stepped off of the ledge without fanfare. 

… And the water was up to his waist.

Kayn’s first instinct had not been, however, to rejoice and celebrate that his fear had disappeared at the simple action. The moment the other quietly descended into the water Shieda lunged and grabbed his hand with such ferocity that a yelp escaped him--! No, he would not lose such a precious thing to the waters! He’d not let the Deep dark take away someone that actually made him feel _safe_ for once in his life!! He wouldn’t… he… wouldn’t…

“....”

Zed was simply standing there with the child awkwardly clinging to his arm from the shore.

“... It… it’s…” 

“Not deep, no. The current isn’t strong enough to take you anywhere, either.”

Shieda was incredibly confused. It had looked so _dark_ before, so menacing, the shadows of beasts had been dancing around in the overgrowth of plants _from another world_... but there was his co-- _master_ , standing there quite safe and sound. He could even see the bottom, where little balls of moss were occupied by the dark shapes of tiny shimmering fishes. It was safe. It had been safe the whole time.

_It had been safe… the whole time._

All that doubt and those thoughts of death… they were nothing. Pointless. Stupid. _He_ was stupid for even thinking such terrible things about his savior. All of a sudden there was a lump forming in his throat that was making swallowing hard-- Zed acted quickly to distract him once more from these emotions that were threatening to make the young man dissolve upon the spot into a mess of anxiety, fear and panic.

“I was wrong,” The ninja said quietly, moving to lean against the bank beside him with his soggy clothes hanging from his well-built frame. “... You are not afraid of the water, Shieda.”

_You are not afraid of the water._

Tamia. Chanton. Rods. Bars.

… Death and punishment.

Kayn was now the one that had to think on his feet to avoid the deluge of emotions that he felt like a static in his limbs-- letting go of Zed with an uneasy huff, the child did not allow himself a moment to even think about the action before simply rolling off of the smooth streams edge to meet the water softly wandering below with. Bravery. Determination. A will to make that light that the other held aloft seem like something he was worthy of… and with a quiet splash, looking rather much like a drenched rat, Kayn stood chest deep in the clear stream without much help or trouble at all. 

A dumbfounded look overcame the youth. 

_I… was not afraid of the water._

Those yellow eyes ran from Zed to the moss to the leaves to the little fishes to the one _big_ fish that curled around his ankles before disappearing further down… nothing. Even when his toes were curled against the ground, where earth and stone and soft river-weeds made their beds, no froth or darkness sprang forth to fill his lungs with salt and copper. It really was but a gentle stream that danced with the life of another world under its curling surface. 

All of a sudden something gently touched his crown-- Kayn flinched automatically and swiveled his gaze to what his master was clutching in his bloodied hand. A bar of soap. It descended upon him in an extremely slow manner due to prior reaction, where it was awkwardly scrubbed against his shaved head.

“I want you to remember something, Shieda.” Zed uttered, still seemingly new to washing anyone but himself-- his pressing of the soap against the child’s skull was as perplexing to him as it was to Kayn himself. It showed on his face. “This is not Noxus, and you are no longer Noxian.”

_But Noxian blood makes a Noxian... does it not?_

“But…”

“But _nothing_. Knowing this will not change your fears and nor will it erase what has happened in your past, but please remember that here things are different. You will never be hit or harmed here in discipline. You will never be hungry here. One day, when you are older, if you feel comfortable enough you may tell me everything that you have locked away in your mind that is hurting you.”

The depth of the others voice settled against his ears so strongly that it was chasing away the doubt. Whenever the master spoke it was like gospel; something to be revered and held close to the chest for deliberation at a later date, words uttered so confidently that they were like something read from a book. It left Shieda… spell-bound. 

_How does he know so much?_

“Oh… okay. I will.” Kayn’s hand slowly lifted to take the soap from the other in a sheepish manner, for while Zed had been talking he had let his hand lay there upon his crown idly. “I promise… I promise with everything that I am.”

_Because… you’re different. You’re not like the other adults at all. You make me feel like… I don’t deserve to die._

“And you promise, _now_ , to get clean?”

“I promise.”

“You promise… who?”

“You, commander!!”

The two looked at each other with the same tired expression, as if neither could believe that Shieda had said that.

“M-Master! _You,_ master.”

_You are not afraid of the water, Shieda._

Kayn swallowed down whatever remnants of terror he had felt before so that it could stagnate in the spot that all his negativity went to, thinking heavily upon those words. Now, pondering back to the Deep dark, it almost felt like it was a world away… as if it was something that existed entirely in his head; a seed no doubt implanted by the sailors. With his eyes watching Zed’s legs as he hoisted himself to the rocky lip of the stream, content to sit there and watch the fish below toy with the soap flakes, Shieda managed to drag a small, tired smile to his face. 

_I’m not afraid._

Not here, in Ionia.

Not as long as Zed was with him.

...

* * *

“... D… Do you remember the _Deep dark_?”

Shieda Kayn was at Zed’s feet in a subservient bow that saw his forehead meet the stone, hair fanned about him prettily. The leaders gaze was unflinching; it was so cold it chilled Kayn to the bone in a manner it had _never_ done before. There needn’t be a reply. The younger male _knew_ he remembered. 

He was seventeen years old and finally, after all these years, he had done _wrong_.

It was finally time.

“I-It was never the water. It... It was…”


	6. The Deep dark II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What did you do, Kayn.”
> 
> “I-I don’t know!!”
> 
> Stumbling to his feet weakly he gazed up at the tall, bulky guard with yellow eyes muddied with absolute confusion-- and what stared down back at him was nothing that could even /comprehend/ sympathy… not for vermin like he. Having never been taught to seek or ask for affection the child stood there with his fingers awkwardly twisted together and breath coming in panicked huffs-- the guard was waiting. His deep voice would penetrate the space with enough depth to make the metal shake.
> 
> “You /know/ what you did. You were bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF.  
> THIS ONE IS LONG. BEFORE I RAMBLE HERE;
> 
> TW; THIS CHAPTER HAS MULTIPLE INSTANCES OF CHILD ABUSE IN IT AS WELL AS VIOLENCE. SELF HARM MENTIONS AND SUICIDAL IDEALS ALSO APPLY.
> 
> now that that has been said, this emotionally hurt me to write... ahk.  
> we are learning through the comic that zed can be /very/ emotionally driven when it concerns those he loves, so im reflecting that with my writing (i hope)!!  
> hearing what he heard... its hard for him to deal with. he needed to process it in a time where he wasn't ready to explode.  
> of course, kayns backstory is all made up by me because riot wont tell us what it really is.
> 
> this is a dark, dark read.  
> the next one is gonna be so fluffy after this, i swear by it.  
> (i totally didnt cry while writing this chapter)
> 
> well, here we go.........

Late night sparring.

They had forbidden each other from using any shadow technique in a down-to-earth brawl that was meant to focus them both before the upcoming mission, which would see them both leave the monastery for a patrol of Shon-Xan’s coast. The endeavor would take two weeks-- a relatively short time to be away from home-- but the treacherous peaks and winter climbs of Ionia’s northern coast would prove to be a challenge not usually dealt with by the southern-straying team. Noxus never came from the frigid waters to where beasts out-numbered mankind, and trouble never usually stirred those empty cliff-faces. Still, part of protecting Ionia meant watching out for _all_ of Ionia and not just the spots inhabited by its intelligent residents.

To Zed’s surprise, Kayn passion for the fight was… stronger than usual that night. Seventeen years old and finally strong enough to be allowed on missions alone, the youth seemed more determined than ever to best his master at his own craft and came down upon him with the swiftness and strength of a vulkodalk. Each blow was blocked, each kick dodged, every forward movement saw Zed taking two steps back and the older of the two males had thought he had the upper-hand-- until Kayn brought his fist swinging round to his immediate left. Raising an arm to intervene before he got hit in the face, the leaders feet fumbled upon the uneven grass and the sheer strength of that hit led to the smallest of stumbles. That was all Kayn needed. A forward kick to his masters right leg, the one holding most of his weight, saw the man buckling into a kneel with a light gasp--

“Ah… alrigh--”

… But the attack did not stop.

When one was down the other was supposed to cease immediately, for it was _just_ a spar. Kayn did not. That fist came again, square at his brow, catching the ninja completely off guard as he was knocked flat upon his back with stars blotting his vision and the blossoming of blood at his nose. That wasn’t par the course; something was wrong. Zed felt it in the air like the sudden onset of a lightning storm, an unseen pressure that was bearing down upon him in a manner that brought goose-bumps to his skin. Immediately he took in breath to _order_ his apprentice to stop, but the chance never came.

Shieda fell upon him with hands immediately constricting his throat, the long haired teen’s thighs against his waist as he straddled Zed’s body-- and those _eyes_. As Zed’s gaze rolled up to meet the others, his own hands trying to get Kayn’s _off_ of him, in those deep gold eyes the male saw something akin to a mixture of anger and yet… nothingness. So flat and were they that they almost glowed like real gold would under the moonlight, narrowed in orientation, completely unflinching. This wasn’t normal. Uttering a soft choke he tried in vain to alleviate the pressure but he could not _breathe_ , the weight pressed against him had cut all air-flow completely off-- it took but a few moments of strangulation before the expressionless, emotionless, _emotional_ Shieda made things worse without warning. The moment the others thumb-pads protruded forward to apply pressure against his throat his body lurched forward as the target had vanished into thick black smoke.

“Kayn?!”

_Did he just--_

Had he really… made a move to collapse the other’s windpipe? The remnants of the others grasp were clear on the older males neck, where angry red lines wrapped themselves about his flesh like a necklace. Zed gave a few coughs to clear the burning in his lungs and spat the blood that had been occupying his throat from his nose to the ground, suddenly acutely aware that _yes_ , if he had not disappeared as he did… Kayn could have killed him. There was little their rudimentary healing could do for a collapsed trachea. He would have suffocated there in the moonlit grass under his pupils hands, and there was nothing neither he nor Kayn could do about it once the damage had been done. With calloused fingertips reaching up to run about the aching chords of his throat, the leader gave a scratchy bark.

“Come **here.** ”

The tone of Zed’s voice was terrifying, filled to the brim with agitation and underlined with shock as his apprentice gave a gasp of his own and scuttled to the other with eyes as round as the moon-- did he not realize? Was he not aware!? When close enough Shieda was _ripped_ from his stand as the Shadow orders leader grabbed the material at his chest and dragged him almost nose to nose with himself. The trust that came with sparring had been broken in an instant.

_He did._

There was confusion in the boys eyes; that gaze seemed so… human now.

“M-Master!”

“Were you trying to kill me, Kayn!?” The growl that was rolling about his chest was so strong it shook the air, and on the spot Shieda seemed to shrink evermore smaller.

“Never, ma--”

“You **know** the rules. You **know** when to stop-- but you _didn’t._ You could have seriously hurt me.”

His nosebleed was stopping, but the beginnings of panic that had been growing on his apprentice’s face exploded as he realized that the dripping of the others blood against his shirt was very, _very_ real. The fear in his quivering, lemon-hued eyes were met by the burning reds of his masters for a few moments of terrible silence… before Zed’s grip was released and the youth fell to his knees with a squawk of awe.

“Master! Master forgive me, please!”

Zed left no room for pity in his words.

“You have **disappointed** me, Kayn.”

Shieda needed to know the seriousness of how _easy_ it had been for him to turn a spar into something potentially fatal, and turning upon his heel to climb the steps of the great Kinkou temple the sound of Kayn’s footfall behind him was a given. The master knew the power those words had over him and felt no empathy for disciplining him on something so serious-- so even when his protegee began to _grovel_ they were not taken back.

“Master! I’m so sorry, please! Forgive me! Forgive me…!!”

Zed ignored him.

_Not this time, Shieda._

He rounded the pillars of the great hall, the same hall that stayed almost constantly bathed in the shadow of said pillars and was keen to venture to the medics bay, for no doubt he’d need to check if his nose had been broken in the initial hit-- but Shieda had other plans. Skidding to a stop in front of him the desperate teen began to beg once more, instantly falling to his knees with hands clasped before him,

“Master, forgive me!!”

“ _No._ ” The adult said bluntly, looking to sidestep around the youth-- but Kayn scrambled into his way again.

“Master _please_ , I’m begging you-- I didn’t-- I don’t know _why_ \-- I’m sorry! Please, I’m so _sorry_ , I, punish me, punish me however you see fit!!” The submissive mewling of his student hit his ears like rain to a stone wall.

“What kind of punishment could I give to a student that _attempted to end my life?!_ ” The shadow master almost gave a hiss, trying to keep his voice under control… the large marble room was unforgiving, relaying what had been said over and over in an ominous echo. Zed knew that no punishment he gave Kayn would matter, because _this_ was the real punishment. His anger. His disappointment. His will to not be close to the one he had raised for seven years… that is what hurt Kayn the most. Scrubbing floors and solitary confinement did nothing for a child that wanted nothing more than his teachers affection and care. Zed could count on one hand the amount of times that he had ever had to _really_ scold Shieda, but this was different… this was...

“But I, I--”

“You _what?_ ” --Something deep down in the ninja’s being trembled; He’d have to show Kayn how much the act had _hurt_ him in more ways than just physically… and that meant being nasty. “It was a spar. You’ve done hundreds of sparring hours in your life with me and never, **never** have you taken it so far-- I have bled before, I have bruised before, but I have never had my life be put in danger because of a students _violence_.”

That… stung. Shieda physically recoiled to tell him as such, but just like his student Zed did _not_ stop.

“You do not give any **warning** ; one moment we are training and the next your hands are at my throat-- one moment you are ready to kill me and now you are at my feet, _begging_ on your hands and knees. You are happy and sad and then _nothing_ , and I cannot get _through_ to you. Were you ignoring me?!”

“N-No, master!”

“So you _heard_ me and saw me compromised, and still decided to take action. You had **intent** to harm me--”

“ _Never_ , master--”

“Don’t you **dare** say that isn’t the truth when I saw it with my very two eyes! Remember your _place_!!”

… Never before had Zed been so angry at Kayn. Never before had he raised his voice so high that the birds upon the monasteries roof fled in terror, keen to get far away from the booming of thunder within the old stone walls. It was only then that the master caught himself almost _screaming_ at the youth, blood pounding in his ears and pain throbbing at his nose as his breath came in huffs-- there needed to be calm. Calm and quiet _away_ from the younger assassin who was still upon the floor, looking at him with the sheer amount of hurt shining in his eyes enough to make his heart stop… but it didn’t. Now was not the time to feel any kind of pity for the boy he had just accosted with his voice, and with harshness to his steps Zed once again moved around Shieda to make his way to the medics office. This time, he was not followed.

_...Mother be damned._

Left to his own devices, bitter and fuming, Zed found himself unable to actually reach his destination; no, if anyone were to happen upon him in the dead of night with this uncontrollable anger contorting his face he would not be able to hide it. An example would be set, gossip would spread, everyone would wish to know what had happened between him and his star pupil… and from there they would turn upon Kayn, no matter how long they had known him for. It simply was not done, not to any normal human who you had no quarrel with and **especially** not to a master. They would expect him to dismiss Kayn _forever_... and no matter how much anger clouded his judgement he would be unable to. No matter how enraged, no matter how he seethed, the male would never raise a fist to his proverbial shadow and would never cast him out of the home he had jumped through hoops to fit into. This left the Orders leader with no choice.

_I cannot simply let this be… or our relationship will be changed forever. And maybe it should be. However…_

With a grunt of unspoken complaint, Zed turned around and went back.

_I think I care too much._

Kayn was still there on the floor, head up with his eyes fixated upon the ceiling, as if something had captivated him there-- but the moment his master came back into his peripheral vision the youth resumed his lowly bow. For a long moment the ninja said nothing, standing beside the cowering teen with eyes cast downwards in judgement, a gaze that no doubt the other could feel upon his back like harsh sunlight in summer. When the anger had subsided enough for him to speak in an even tone Zed broke the silence quietly.

“I do not want your apologies.” Those sudden clipped words filling the air made Kayn flinch-- something his master always _hated_ seeing. “I want to understand… _why._ ”

“I don’t know.” It was almost a whisper.

“There _must_ be a reason. Everything has a reason.”

“I-I couldn’t stop. I d-don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop.”

_Do not start crying, Shieda. This is hard enough as it is, knowing that you hurt… because I hurt, too._

Zed stiffly came to a cross legged sit before him with his gaze never leaving the other, trying not to think too much about the pain of the bruise that was swelling upon his head. It didn’t make sense. It was most definately not an assassination attempt, so what was it? Had a hunger gripped Shieda so heavily with the thrill of the win that he had forgotten himself…? Unsure of what to _do_ with the quivering male, whose remorse seemingly was engulfing him like a flame, the leader rested his head upon the palm of his hand and watched his pupil with a half-lidded gaze, waiting to see what he would do next. It was always a waiting game with Kayn. Tangled wires. Foggy minded.

He didn’t expect what came out of the others mouth next.

“... D… Do you remember the Deep dark?”

Zed almost quirked his lip in agitation; Shieda had once feared the stream in the courtyard, but he did not see what relevance it had here. Figuring that perhaps letting Kayn ramble about _anything_ would provide an answer to the prior affair, the Shadow orders leader stayed unblinkingly trained upon him as that small voice rose again.

“I-It was never the water. It... It was…”

* * *

Day break.

The morning was signaled by something akin to a cowbell as the upstairs windows were open, shedding light upon the pens below in brilliant shafts of gold and white. Said pens were rows upon rows of cages must akin to those found in an animal shelter, with wood at the sides separating them from peering into each others holding in curiosity. The top of the spaces were barred much like the door, narrow slits that would not allow a hand through to grab at anyone passing by… but Kayn noted with enthusiasm that the window slats were open far more than usual.

It was someone’s beginning day.

To be applied to the pens, first one had to be under a certain age, with twelve being the upper most limit and six being the bottom. You had to be fit, able, non-disabled and have everything working inside as normal; none that needed medication or special treatments were never admitted. There was a single process that the child had to endure-- just _one_ \-- and then they would be admitted as a member of the pack of unruly children that were hidden in an underground space by the Immortal Bastions foot. Such a practice tore the higher rungs on the ladder apart as they fought with tooth and nail to either demolish what they saw as a barbaric ritual of sorts apart or chose instead to support the furtherment of Noxian’s grand army.

‘Re-awakening’.

The process that none remembered, because the whole point of said process was so that no-one _ever_ remembered. Usually children were snatched up from the streets and orphanages to be held in a little metal room, strapped down to a chair. Imported chemicals from Zaun were fitted to a long nozzle that was forced down the child’s gullet (whether they were unconscious or not did not matter) before they were pumped with a thick grey substance that gleamed with an iridescent sheen, so much so that the pump was not taken away until their bellies were swollen and physically they could fit no more. No-one knew. No-one talked about it, because no-one remembered. When awakened from the almost coma-like state that the concoction put the subject under they would remember _nothing_ of their past life or even themselves-- sixty percent of the children died comatose, but the forty who survived…! They had the pleasure of being relearned _everything_ by special tutors for the first three months of their ‘new’ lives before being dumped into the pens with the other survivors of the practice.

Kayn, like so many others, did not remember his re-awakening. His throat had burned for days afterwards and nausea had him in its terrible grip; but the awful procedure was off-set by a kind, old male who had dressed him in pretty clothing and told him, right off the bat, what his ‘name’ was.

_“You are Kayn.”_

Language was retaught from scratch. Bathing habits were retaught from scratch. What simple things were, such as a pencil or even shoes had to be taught from the very beginning, as if they had just been born. This is where a further ten percent of the survivors failed. Their cognitive abilities never returned for them or they were too slow at relearning how to be a person, and calmly they were dragged back to orphanages or, if they had come from the streets, left on some street corner to get lost. Oh, but not Kayn! He thrived under the multitude of tutors, was always one step ahead of the other kids-- or so they told him. By the time Kayn was in the pens he was almost, _almost_ fully functioning once again… though he lacked the ability to write or read most things, at the age of eight he had almost caught up to any normal eight year old.

Said boy now watched with feverish excitement as someone was being led by a tutor to his pen out of reach, but all at once the children became rowdy and loud as they called after the new-comer with touches of snarkiness to their voices--

“Happy beginning day!!”

Kayn sneered it the loudest, nails against the bars as the frightened new male disappeared from view and the sound of the cowbell signalled quiet once again. The silence that descended all of a sudden was almost… eerie.

“Vermon is our new addition to the pens, and has completed reawakening.” Called a voice from on-high; Commander Nightus stood there with a grizzled smile upon his scarred face. The grand schemer, the overseer of the pens and pit, the smuggler of Zaun’s drugs through Noxus’s borders. “Be gentle with him, children.”

They wouldn’t be.

New blood, fresh meat, someone that wouldn’t know how to _fight_ yet! Oh, the ecstasy of it all. Like feral creatures snickering in the shade the children were left to their usual daily life of pacing their cages too and fro, scratching against the bars, and whoever was lucky enough to have ‘the ball’ in their space would be batting it about the place in self-made game. They did not know that life was not meant to be this way. They did not know that there was even another world waiting beyond the walls. They knew that this was ‘home’ and that this was the way things are and always would be until they’d be sent off to battle… and without no prior reference to how life should be, the kids did not protest their living conditions.

Lice was common, so their heads were always shaved short (even the females) and sometimes there were rats, which were actually _desired_ by the young ones as that meant something new to ‘play’ with. They were bathed once a week, their teeth were never cleaned, if someone got too bad of an injury they simply disappeared and was never seen again-- all normal things within their holding space. With each child allocated around eight-by-eight feet of padding space, none who survived reawakening felt like they were closed in or really ‘caged’ at all.

It was warm, they were fed via a slat in the door that usually contained no cutlery, and that little box was _theirs._ Though there was nothing to really decorate with, Kayn liked to imagine that his particular cell was a cave and he a monster waiting to be unleashed upon the commonly spoken-of Ionian devils from a land far away. Not all children became accustomed to this, however, for not all children were _like_ Kayn. Perhaps they suddenly recalled a memory from the past and needed to be removed before they said too much, or perhaps they simply went mad and began bashing themselves against the bars and walls in order to inflict as much self harm as they could. Either way, those kinds of kids never returned.

They were not suited to be a Noxian soldier at all.

Aggressiveness was being bred within the children like they were training dogs by Commander Nightus and his men; because of this, no child interacted with another outside being sent to the ring (which, due to Noxus’s love of fighting, was lovingly dubbed ‘the baby pit’) where they were commanded to be as cruel and as violent as they wished to be… but that was it. They were not bathed together. They did not eat together. Sitting there, in their little cells trying to find the warmth of the sunlight, they did not even call to each other through the bars… for if a guard caught them there would be punishment. Today was special, however. Remarkable, even. It was the kids favorite holiday, in fact.

Because a beginning day marked the one time they could all be **together** … in the pit.

Excitedly, the eight year old banged his little fists against the bars; the prospect of having so much _space_ to run around made him giddy and restless as the guard moved to release him with a dull look about his face.

“Yeah yeah, Kayn… I’m coming.”

The moment the lock was sprung the child began to speed walk towards the door at the end of the pens room, where a gaggle of other children were waiting with silent enthusiasm. They did not dare talk to each other. Not _yet._ The excitement however was tangible as they fed off of each others happiness, and when the clicking of the double lock resounded through the air they all poured in… to an affair very much akin to the pits above, but smaller. Natural light flooded through steel bars above, and Commander Nightus was sitting in the ringside seats with two doctors and a glint in his eye that none of the children could recognise as _violence._

There, in the center, small and naked from the chest down… Vermon stood with frightened eyes.

The kids gathered around him but did not lay a single finger upon him until the Commander spoke. With the backs against the ring they had been taught to automatically form a rank, which led to a circle of children with their hands raised and their eyes contorted with the thrill of the situation. Nightus stood slowly, took in every child and their will to fight, and then raised a hand with a single strict command;

“Advance.”

A pitched _scream_ filled the air in a heartbeat.

Vermon was descended upon by the group of twenty children without mercy. Not _all_ of those children were going for him; half touched him once, turned, and then assaulted the child next to them with vigor. It was a sprawling free-for-all that Kayn immediately took advantage of, and while a female a little older than him had began to punch him violently in the ribs he latched onto Vermon’s shoulder with his teeth and began to tug as hard as he could-- blood filled his mouth, flesh tore and he went to spit out what he had just pulled from the boy-- just to find a fist suddenly _slammed_ into his face. The freshly laid sand flooring became fast littered with blood as its dust roze into a haze of children biting, scratching, clawing, kicking and punching each other. The new child, Vermon, was forgotten very quickly. Fighting someone who did not fight back was not as _fun_ as fighting a threat.

Kayn was thwacking a boy over the head over and over and over as the other’s teeth met his thigh, trying to get his nails against his eyes so that he could claw them out-- but then all of a sudden that boy got kicked swiftly to the ground by _another_ boy, who began stomping him as hard as he could into the dirt. Teamwork was not rewarded, but Kayn oh so _loved_ to beat them while they were down-- as the other trod onto his spine Kayn began _kicking_ him in his face-- and then was torn down by a girl who launched herself at him with the speed of a fired bullet to crash him into the ground.

Their names were not important. They did not really know each other’s names, after all.

They did not interact.

By the time the bell rang, most of the kids had stopped fighting and were either crying about their wounds or trying their best to stop themselves from bleeding with their hands, Kayn included. That bite… so deep and so sore was it that he resigned himself to a limp as the doctors began to scoot around awkwardly, tending to the most wounded first with silent disapproval upon their faces. Their enthusiasm for fighting kids was not as strong as the Commanders, who was grinning ear to ear at the sheer tenacity of his little squadron.

Vermon was unconscious. Four of the ‘fighters’ were.

One was hiding in the stands, was picked up by the guard and was dropped face first back into the ring.

Kayn’s skin had been savaged, but the bite on his leg was his first priority as the doctor warned him gently about the infection risk (as if he could do anything about _that_ ). With blood at his lips and the ache in his leg throbbing, the little soldier submissively fell into line with the other members of the pack to scuttle quickly back into his cage without a single word of protest. The door was locked, and he fell onto the bed with a short wince.

Next time he’d kill the bastard who dared to hurt him so.

Sparring occurred every day, but usually it was not against other members of the pens. Sometimes it was a grown man holding a rod bound by the down of birds and sometimes it was a dummy made of rice. This was their ‘exercise’, a run about the empty ring and the battering (or, if it was the man, _attempted_ battering) of whatever was put in front of them. Sometimes, ever so rarely, it was neither the man or the sparring dummy… it was an animal, usually a bird or a tied up rabbit. They were instructed to tear the creature to pieces, and if there was any hesitation there would be punishment involved. Kayn became very adept at knowing how to end the lives of these fragile creatures rather quickly, but the Commander had told him to stop exercising mercy upon them.

Kayn hesitantly picked up the supplied stick and did not stop hitting until the little animal made no sound. It became easier, from then on, to do extreme things if only for the sake of saving his own hide. Thankfully, his chance to fight something far stonger than an animal came sooner rather than later.

Three months after the gouging of his leg came something that excited the boy greatly-- the drawing of a random lot determined who fought who in a solo-match within the pit. They never knew who they were up against before hand until they were within the pit itself, so when Kayn was led to the ring his eyes could barely believe what they saw.

_The boy that bit!_

All about were analysts of different kinds, inking their pens and fluttering papers as Nightus talked to them in quiet tones about his own opinion of the two fighters. The little soldier ignored them in favor for latching his gaze against the other childs and in those green eyes Kayn saw _nothing_. He barely regarded this child as a ‘child’; no, this was the _enemy_. This was an Ionian waiting to snatch him up in the night so that he could be sacrificed in one of those bizzare rituals the guards sometimes spoke about. This was a light that needed to be snuffed from the world… this was the _boy that bit,_ and he would get his revenge in blood and flesh.

He would make the Commander proud.

_Ding!_

Kayn had the upper-hand in an instant; the boy had always been gifted in the art of _crashing into another_ with enough intensity to _floor them instantly._ He was light but the other was lighter, and without any hesitation what-so-ever Kayn began to rake his nails against the others face with his fingers delving into the others eye sockets-- the response was a thrashing to his temple that made lights burst in his vision, temporarily letting go. Seizing the moment the boy-who-bit kicked him off, stumbled to his feet-- and was knocked down _again_ by the young fighter with eyes that burned as bright as the sun. In the audience the adults coo’d in approval-- their praise only _fueled_ him-- he was doing good, no-- he was the _best_ , wasn’t he?!

Slamming his conjoined fists against the others throat produced a horrible wheeze from the other child as he tried in vain to throw his opponent off again, but he was not strong enough, not when he was alone against the other. When there were no distractions, when there was so many eyes peering down upon them, the boy-that-bit faltered… and that was all Kayn needed.

_Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang._

Kayn threw his fists with a bark down upon the others head and face and throat over and over and _over_ until he saw blood... but he kept on going. He kept on going until the others guttural breathing was almost non existent, until his one bleeding eye was unfocused and bleary upon him… until the child stopped moving completely. This was the rabbit. The little chick. The training dummy. It was a haze that consumed his mind so feverishly that he found no _reason_ to stop, for the world was surely better off without a _loser_?! What sort of soldier would he make!?

The red of the others eyes had tinted his own gaze, for now everything was crimson and black. When he stood the world was tilted and bright, _too bright,_ just like the teeth shown by the adults all about him as their lips drew their expressions into frowns… something was wrong. Nightus was puffing his chest and barking to them all in a voice that sounded so far away that it might as well been underwater, distant and muffled. Kayn took a moment to breathe as he loomed above the bloodied mess of a boy at his feet and felt the instinct come again-- kick. Bite. Hit. Do _anything_ to put this creature out of its _misery_ , this bastard of the Noxian slums that could not prove himself-- but before he had the time to act the back of his clothes were snatched up by a hand that began to _drag_ him away.

Through the door, away from the men and the boy-that-bit, down the way… the young male managed to catch his breath and think through the sludge of his brain to cast a half-lidded gaze about, to where the world was still almost a blur. The dragging hurt his legs but they struggled to catch up. The guard was not gentle, even though he had been the victor.

He won.

He _won_ , so why did they not stop at his pen…?

“Past my pen… it’s back there…”

“I know, Kayn. We’re not going to your pen… you’ve been bad.”

_Bad?_

How…? How. The word ‘bad’ had been so deeply ingrained into him as something that was associated with physical pain that all at once Kayn felt his body wake up from its tiredness after the fight. No, that wasn’t right. This was all wrong. The boy-that-bit had been defeated by a ferocious warrior, one that when set upon the Ionian scum would not falter and break before too-many-eyes or the Commander himself! He had known deep in his gut that when he was past the relative safety of his cave that they were going to a terrible place, an awful place, one where the lamps shone too bright and it always smelt of something sharp.

“No… no, I won. I won. Please,” Whimpering, feeling the beginnings of tears prick at the corners of his eyes, “Please. I won--”

“Shut _up_ Kayn.”

Silence.

There was no arguing with a _guard,_ that made things worse. The child looked into himself for answers and saw none, when he looked about he saw none that would help, there was nothing that was going to stop him from encountering the Scolder and his rod-- not wailing, not crying, not fighting!! Little whimpers rose and fell from his throat as he attempted to desperately seem _brave_ in the moment, but those other kids knew. Now they did not jeer, they did not call, they stayed deep in the shadows of their confinements and gazed out at him with their eyes as round as saucers… surely not Kayn. Not _him._ He was such a _good_ boy, he always listened, he always followed but it was on their _faces_ \--  
They feared… _for_ him.

A windowless room with two doors, walls plated in dull steel that was often washed by anti-bacterial sprays to keep the environment clean. The moment the smell hit him the young boy felt his legs falter but he was not permitted to stagger, no, he was kicked forward with a yelp of fright as he landed upon his knees and hands--

“What did you do, Kayn.”

“I-I don’t know!!”

Stumbling to his feet weakly he gazed up at the tall, bulky guard with yellow eyes muddied with absolute confusion-- and what stared down back at him was nothing that could even _comprehend_ sympathy… not for vermin like he. Having never been taught to seek or ask for affection the child stood there with his fingers awkwardly twisted together and breath coming in panicked huffs-- the guard was waiting. His deep voice would penetrate the space with enough depth to make the metal shake.

“You _know_ what you did. You were bad.”

Kayn felt his heart beat so rapidly in his chest that the little soldier did not know what to do; there was no chance of escape and his mind could not comprehend _what he had done._ With his hands balled at his ribs and tears streaking his cheeks he began to mewl incomprehensibly in order to try and pry the answer from the other--

“I-I-- but, I, I won, you saw, I _won_ \-- p-please don’t, please,” Came his pitched whining as he took a single step closer to the guard. “Please, please, I’m good, I-I’ll be good! R-Really good! _Please_ , I’ll d-d-do a-a-anything!!”

The guard did not look compromised by the sheer terror in the others voice as he calmly said, turning around,

“You were told to stop, Kayn, but you did not listen. If Lue dies it will be because of you. A promising soldier lost because _you_ could not keep yourself under control.”

_But he was the enemy!!_

“B-Bu--”

The second door was swung open at the same time the guard disappeared through the first… it was the Scolder. They said naughty children get told off, but _bad_ children get _scolded_. Kayn had only ever encountered this man _once_ before, and standing there before him he was no less terrifying than he had been then-- a protruding jaw, the black uniform of Noxus’s pen staff, fists that were scarred by walls and veins that were blue and black and collapsed from substances unknown. A walking giant that never spoke or showed any emotion on his stubbled, uneven face. As per usual his right hand was occupied by one of the smooth rods that they often used in combat, though his one did not possess the cover that curbed the blow in training. This one _bit_ far worse than the boy in the pit had ever done. This was the thing that left children quivering in their holdings, afraid for days to stray into the light to even receive their dinner.

A single swirl of the Scolders finger. It meant to turn around.

Kayn fell to his knees with bile rising in his throat and his arms wrapped securely around himself as he braced for what was coming next.

_Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang._

Blood.

Red filled his vision again from everywhere, as if it was running down his eyes and obscuring his sight… but it soon turned black. Like ink it poured and curled beautifully about the edges of his sight as the sound of his body being beaten soon faded away into nothingness, because in that moment nothing mattered but... endurance. Kayn calmly watched the ink dance and separated from its pretty, vein-like appearance into spots that almost burned gold at the edges and fluttered about like butterflies caught in a strong breeze. When he had fallen to the ground he did not know, for so preoccupied with glancing at the retreating insects that when the coldness of the metal began to burn his skin he was almost sad to see them go. Pretty things. Dainty things. He never told the tutors, but he remembered them and their sweet little pokey-things upon their heads, those things he could never remember the name of.

The sound of the door broke his concentration.

Suddenly, the reality of it all set in.

Kayn was laying upon the ground with blood peppering his clothes all about, as every panicked inhale he took saw the delves of his ribs showing stark against his shirt. Those bruises looked like those ink-blots from his day-dream, black and blue and purple and green and standing upon his flesh with streaks of red cut through them where the skin had split… ah. The metal room. The beating had stopped, the Scolder was retreating with blood upon the rod, and the guard was standing above him once more with that same look of nothing-ness that he had entered with… this was normal. Kayn tried to push himself up but his body was not responding. Helplessly floundering for a second, they both waited for his mind to catch up with what his body was experiencing…

… The _pain._

How it hit! The feeling of falling off a steep cliff-side or being pressed repeatedly into jagged rocks! The feeling of being burned by a brand and then being left in the frozen tundras! A scream welled up in his chest but it was never loosed-- it stayed there jammed in his throat and he dare not take a single breath until it passed… but it did not _pass._

Part of him did not want to breathe. Part of him wondered if being branded as ‘bad’ in a contingent of people who often harmed the ‘bad’ was worth it… was worth the agony of feeling like his body was being stolen from him by the chill of the steel beneath him and the weeping of blood from his injuries. As the guard picked him up by his scruff, took him in his arms and proceeded to wander back to his pen he heard the voice come ever so faintly as the world disappeared around him,

“There is a darkness _in_ you, Kayn. If you do not learn to control it… it will be the death of you.”

* * *

And so the ship rocked and the kids cuffed their ears with their palms! Oh, poor Chanton, he ran to the window with hoarse cries, _let me out, let me out!!_ In the swaying darkness a faint gasp arose as Kayn shoved him so hard through the window that the glass shattered into a thousand pieces, resulting in his comrade tumbling out of the ship the boy disappeared into the rolling waves below. He stood there, breath coming in hot, heavy pants and observed the glass shards in his hands before swinging to stare at the cowering lot with eyes ablaze.

_Who’s next?!_

That gaze called, and none responded. The hatch swung open with a mighty creak and the soldiers, alerted by the sound of smashing glass, began to hop down the ladder to inspect what had just occurred; the foreman's shadow came upon him as black as the night as a laugh fell down from below.

_“Look at **this** one boys…! Those eyes…! Dark as the depths below, I’m tellin’ you!”_

And they hated him, just as the children of the pens had.

He was the one that stole the light on the ship.

He was the sea below the sea, the one that took lives.

He was the birthplace of tragedy.

* * *

“The 'Deep dark' is inside me. It is... why I can never escape it.”

Zed had listened to the other recall his past with incredible ease, as if he had always wanted to tell the tale of his times in the pens but… hadn’t. Perhaps it was fear and anxiety or perhaps the time just wasn’t _right_ , but now… before him upon the floor there was a _boy_ that felt he had had to recount his trials of terror to try and make sense to the only person who had ever loved him. Shieda’s tears had long since dried and the hollowness he spoke with was absolutely _unbearable._

“It is like I’m broken. The shadow magic came to me easily because it _knew_ that inside I was already a part of it; I-I’m not human. I’m something _else._ Even when I was young I was _bad,_ I’m so good at everything _else_ because at my core I’m just… I’m…”

“ **Stop**.”

Zed did not know whether to cry or howl with rage. The feelings that had been burning within him became a wildfire that engulfed what his student had done for him; oh, those _Noxians._ Those bastards, the scum of Runeterra, the executioners from the western world-- they’d burn. They’d hang. They’d be hunted down till the last blood line and wiped from the world as if they were nought but a plague and he, _he_ would be spear-heading that operation-- but this did **not** erase what Kayn had done. This did not erase the danger that he had felt before. Conflicted, emotionally compromised and considering going out _at that moment_ to find a Noxian to cull, the leader could not believe… that his hands were shaking so.

His Shieda… all this time.

_You have thought this… all that time._

Something had to change. Something _had_ to be done for this suffering fool, who was _still_ bowed before him submissively, waiting for what-- a strike? An attempt at his own life? The mere _thought_ of **that** \-- calm. _Calm._ Zed was losing himself, and that would do no good in a situation like this. For the longest stretch of silence the master kept the ebb and flow of his breath at a steady, slow rate until the hotness in his head began to settle down.

“Sit up.” A command that was obeyed without question, though the golden eyes of his child never rose to meet his-- until his hands were grabbed. In minor shock Kayn jumped a bit at the sudden contact, not expecting it nor knowing what his master was up to. Without missing a beat the older male pressed the others hands against his neck--

“Hold.”

“Master… I-I can’t--”

“ **Hold.** ”

And Shieda obeyed.

Clutching weakly at his masters neck, barely able to stand doing so, the young man began to quiver with fright that came from a place deep within him… a memory of a boy that bit, a small animal or an Ionian laying half dead in the mud. The ink, the butterflies, the burning dots and the way the world seemed to simply fade away began to claim him, and in panic the male immediately went to withdraw his touch but could _not_ through fear of disobeying! Bad! _Bad!_ He was unravelling on the spot like he was made of rope and the knot had been tied and he, lowly, _terrible_ he was back on a boat or in a cage or or--

“Look.”

Zed’s hands were around his throat. The hold was sure but weak… those hands were shaking too against the surging of his pulse. That voice floated by… he heard, this time; it was his masters voice ravaged by emotion that threatened to steal the air from his lungs.

“You could kill me right now… I could kill you as well. But we both will not do a single thing, Shieda. _Why?_ In this moment of weakness, _why_ can we not harm each other?”

Kayn’s breath stuttered, eyes fluttering upwards to capture the leaders gaze; he could have sworn that there were tears there, shimmering like starlight upon a crimson backing.

“I… I…”

Zed let go in order to suddenly _shove_ his palm against the others chest-- with a soft ‘oomf’ Kayn fell backwards from his sit, rattled and disturbed.

“It’s because we _love_ each other, Kayn!!”

… Those words, shouted with such extremity that the hall echoed softly with them were delivered with the cracking of the Shadow leaders tone as his fingers reached up in frustration to claw at his scalp!

“How can you proclaim that you are _not human_ when you still feel _love?_ When I have _seen_ that affection in your eyes! I have seen happiness, I have seen joy! I have _raised_ you from a child and you _dare_ sit here before me and tell me that at your ‘core’ you are _bad_? You are human! You are as human as me or anyone _else_ and we make mistakes, Shieda _because_ of that fact-- so _stop_ this nonsense talk about the _Deep dark_ because _you_ don’t know what is inside of you-- but I do! **I do!!** ”

Sweating, breathless and now upon his feet as he stared down at the round-eyed teen those impulses came again; he needed a bath. Needed to meditate. Needed to sit down and read, needed to do _anything_ to get away momentarily from the others tormenting past and the kids own _idiocy_ before he did something stupid. The only thing that kept him there were those golden eyes peering back at him. If he could, he would run to the other and embrace him so tightly in his arms that the other would squeak like a toy-- but that would rob the moment of the lesson.

Someones terrible past was _not_ an excuse for being awful in the _present._

Turning swiftly upon his heel Zed advanced in the opposite direction, eager for deliberation time, when the soft voice called ever so quietly,

“... I… love you, master. I r-really do. I love you.”

The white-haired ninja felt the wet onset of tears flow back to his eyes, but did not turn around as he answered with certainty;

“I love you too, Kayn… and _nothing_ will change that.”

And that was how the altercation ended.

In their rooms, both of them apart from the other, they wept for the agony that the past brought forth… but found the courage to see past the haze that was so easy to fall prey to. Things had been said, triggers had been pulled and they both _ached_ so deeply within that the sheer force of their guilt and sadness and pain threatened to tear them asunder, and yet-- it did not. Now that Kayn had told his master of his past he expected to be treated differently, and now that Zed had almost fallen victim to Kayn’s blood-hunger he expected that his student would never be the same again.

It took two days. Two days of absolute silence before Shieda was summoned before his master.

“Two weeks of sweeping duty. On every second day there is gardening to be done, and you will _not_ be permitted to attend me on that patrol to the north. You are going to visit Xon-she twice, and _alone_ will bring back the supplies for all the other acolytes have tallied up. Do I make myself clear?”

Kayn answered with the strongest voice he could muster.

“I understand, master!”

“Failure to do what I have just detailed will lead to my disappointment, Shieda. Do you _want_ to disappoint me?”

“No, master! _Never_ again!!”

“Good.” A thin smile appeared on the leaders tired face as his eyes regained some of the softness they had lost. His student was not yet forgiven completely, but no doubt he would earn back the trust he had lost with all his heart and soul poured into his attempts; and the young ones next words proved him right. As usual.

“I’ll be _good,_ master. Better than good. I’m going to be better than _anyone_ at these tasks, I swear by it.”

“You’re a good boy, Kayn.”

Shieda could not help but allow a wobbly grin to overtake the neutral line of his mouth.

“Thank you… thank you _so much_.”


	7. Blossomfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kept you waiting, huh? (emerges from a cardboard box)  
> i got rusty and had to get back into the swing of writing decently >:O  
> i hope i managed to keep the chars consistant with the rest of the stories!  
> i love writing kayns manic energy the most. :D
> 
> ps; akali never found the bravery to ask shen for a ride

Sometimes, it was very hard to understand Zed.

No matter how narrow the ravine between them shrunk, the older male simply had too many secrets that he would not voice aloud and too many memories of a past rife with tragedy that he kept locked up tight within himself. He would never tell Kayn of his childhood, or anything about his time growing up in fact, and thus the former Noxian found it difficult to gauge exactly where his master had gained such a stoic quietness from. It was peaceful, but… it was lonely, too. It felt akin to being side by side with a ghost long torn from the waking world, those eyes filled with remnants of times long gone. And so, Kayn made it a personal mission to make those moments where Zed's mind seemed to have wandered too far from him disappear-- hence their arrival at the markets!

It was very rare that they went to common markets any more, and even rarer when they got to dress like everyone else in the crowd. Adorned with robes of deep red, long sleeved and black stitched, the festival of the sun had turned Ionia’s deep blue sky into one flittering with the sparkling of golden magicks cast down by the light itself. It was only a beautiful display on the part of mother Nature herself, but also the Ionian’s who had scattered to decorate their homes and stores with anything they could weave, conjure or paint in the spirit of the festivities. The small village of Seyun was no different.

Kayn quite loved the way that they blended in with the small towns crowds. Ionian’s were a peaceful peoples and they rarely, in ordinary life, sought out the excitement and thrill of a festival-- but today, as they wound amongst the common folk peddling their special wares and the children playing with yellow and orange pinwheels in the wind, the scythe-wielder could feel the energy in the air as if it was something tangible. He was not a ‘people person’, no (perish the thought!), but something about being near so many happy faces… changed his usual smirk into something softer. Something _happier._

Shieda was nineteen years old, an adult in every sense, but…! He figured, as Zed always put it, fragments of his tormented youth were swooping back to him in the form of a childish excitement he struggled to repress. That was a rather psychological analysis of his playful moments, but he had wielded it as a fact because the idea of him acting, _being_ gentle at the pinnacle of his strength could have been seen as embarrassing. Was it a weakness? Was it a problem? Did he _need_ to be stern, calculating and cold at all times…?

_“It is boring, living like that. I tire quickly. I don’t need to be like you, master… I can be whoever I want to be, right?”_

_“... What do you mean, ‘like me?’”_

_“Like your face is made of stone.”_

_“... I would like it very much if you weren’t like me.”_

With his arms folded in those sleeves Zed gave a small hum beside his thoughtful apprentice,

"You're making a face…"

“I was thinking about the time I said your face looked like it was made of stone.”

Zed’s expression did not change, and that only made Kayn’s smile wider. Every part of him wanted to point to the older males face and say- _yes, just like that!_ \- but he knew that _he_ knew. Shieda watched with ample amusement as his master _tried_ to don an expression, eyebrows lifting ever so slightly, _so_ slightly that it barely made a difference in his overall appearance.

“Nice try, master.”

Maybe it was _him_ who brought out his playfulness. Kayn would never deny just how soft his leader looked wandering around with those half lidded eyes, fluffy hair a brilliant shade of white in the sparkling light, peering about with interest. Cute. Cute _cute_ , Shieda’s heart sang as he matched Zed’s strides with absolute ease, having out-grown the other by a fair bit. The desires that sprung forth were silly and whimsical, for he wished ever so much to pet that hair, to capture that gaze, to reach forth and hold him as close and as tight as he could even though they were in public-- but! He couldn’t. Shouldn’t. Shieda had become the master at locking his emotions away, too. Their relationship simply was not like that and never would be.

… But how he wished it was… something _else._ Something that allowed for idle touching, something that was rich in gentle emotion, and sometimes even something that was the solution to pent up sexual frustration. How he loved Zed, every inch of him, every word he said, every single second he spent at his side: and when the other was gone from his sight it felt evermore colder, even if the midday heat was causing the mountainside to haze. He loved Zed more than he loved himself, he loved Zed more than he loved killing Noxians. Shieda needn’t admit it, his master knew how strongly the other wished for him. Those harsh eyes had been in his life for a little over ten years, and the leader knew them oh so well.

… There were things, however, that Zed didn’t know.

As Kayn had aged he had become acutely aware of the fact that some of his thoughts were _wrong_. Disturbing. Evil. It had always been this way with other aspects of the world, but never with his master. It was different now. He had secrets too, and wondered critically if the space between them could never be closed because of them. The thought of relaying his intrusive thoughts to Zed was completely out of the question. If his leader knew of the _depravity_ that had made a home in his head, why, he'd be cast aside! Chained up, locked away! Branded a monster, and indeed, Kayn thought himself as one, one that was capable of terrible things-- even if the target was Zed himself--!!

_BONK._

Shieda gasped aloud and then scowled, _snarled_ even at a low hanging branch that had managed to leave an angry red line across his face. That anger that he had manifested within himself turned outwards in but a fraction of a second.

“Stupid-- _stupid--_ ”

“Calm down.”

Zed didn’t know what Shieda was thinking about, but that smile had been wiped from his face about thirty seconds prior. The older of the two was, as always, very quick to stop the other from exploding with sudden and ferocious anger, for it came like lightning to the man and stayed static like a storm within his mind.

“I’m calm…” Kayn’s shoulders rose and fell as he took a slow, purposeful breath.

“You were thinking about bad things again.”

_How does he always know?_

Shieda absolutely forgot that his own facial expressions, compared to Zed’s, were like reading a book where every few words encompassed an entire page to themselves. His master was very perceptive and knew exactly how to manipulate the others often out of control feelings, something that Shieda felt _very_ grateful for. Nineteen, and unable to manage his own emotions… it was a good thing the other was always there for him to excel in ways that he couldn’t.

“Let’s think of good things today.” Zed’s hand upon his shoulder gently shook his glowering apprentice. “It’s a nice day… but if you need to go somewhere quiet, we--”

_\-- Wait… wait!_

If anything was said after that Kayn had suddenly stopped listening as his stare rolled upwards to gaze upon the tree they were under… blossoms! Blossoms in hues of pale blue, rolling about their feet and dancing in the wind, and upon Zed’s head, like the tiniest crown the world could afford him, his master had a single petal caught between the snowy locks of his hair. Walking head first into a branch hadn’t been a bad thing at all-- because now… now! That storm that had encapsulated him but moments before had been shorn from his head! Everything was clear, thinking was easy, and his master had a _petal_ upon his head…!

Zed watched his students mood shift from angry to almost manic.

“... What?” Queried gently, with a lick of concern. Shieda’s wonderfully expressive face made him look like a maniac sometimes.

“It’ssss nothing!”

_He doesn’t know! But it’s so cute, I want to point it out-- but I want to leave it there also! I want to stare a little bit longer!_

“It is most definitely… something.”

Zed’s gaze thinned as he began to glance about the people… then to the ground, then to the tree above. What had his student seen that had caused his emotions to shift so suddenly? Why did he suddenly look so _overjoyed_ about something, that red mark from the tree slap still hot upon his cheeks? Shieda watched with an intense amount of interest as his master began to search diligently, like a hound on a blood-scent.

“What are you looking for, master~?” That _tone!_ It was so sing-songish, cheeky and young. With his yellow gaze diverted, Kayn stood with his hands behind his back, trying not to let the corners of his mouth curl evermore upwards.

“What is it, Shieda?” The Shadow order’s leader persisted-- but it was a game, no matter how serious he sounded. Kayn was enthralled by something, and if he was happy then what did it matter if Zed didn’t specifically _need_ to waste time looking for… whatever he was looking for? This was how they played. To the older male it was never _not_ a wonderful surprise to have the chance to mess around with his son, it was just a matter of getting the other to initiate it first. The leader liked to think he had gotten ‘better’ at being ‘playful’, too. With Noxus’s retreat and the land easing into a new ‘normal’, he could afford to give the other the time, and it didn’t matter if Shieda was technically ‘too old’ to still play fun and games with his old man.

Ionia was a land free of such social constructs.

“Ehhh, maybe I’ll tell you… _someday._ ” Kayn teased, managing to keep his snickering to a breathy level-- he was absolutely almost at wheezing point, but only because there were now _two_ petals upon the others head. Ears....! They rather much looked like the ones found on urslings (who were very much the Ionian equivalent to grizzly bears rolled in white and orange paint). Shieda quivered in delight as such a gentle sight.

“Hmm…” Zed watched the other tremble with a sharp eye, knowing the other would give in eventually.

“Ok, _ok!_ I-I’ll tell you, if, if you do one t-thing for me!”

“Go on…”

Kayn reached forward to capture his masters wrists within his own-- so warm, _always_ so warm-- and did well at not keeping them within his clutches… though he struggled for a beat as he tried desperately not to get distracted by the feeling of the others pulse at his fingertips. So human… his master was so _human._

_I have to focus, but it is so hard to think when he's so close to me..._

“Now, h-hold your hands up like this,” Shieda _just_ about managed to keep his cool. He’d pull his leader’s arms away, their slightly bewildered owner respecting the others desires to tug him about as best as he could. “Keep them there.”

The result was a perplexed Zed gazing with those intense, blood-colored irises peering curiously back at his absolutely bonkers son, who had become scatterbrained and wild with delight! The pose of the ursling rising up to attack-- it was so perfect! Even though his masters expression was but a few shades off of his normal look, tinted with minor confusion, the difference to Shieda was astronomical.

“Ursling!”

“... Ursling--”

It dawned on Zed slowly… his hands raised like this was supposed to be a mimicry of the urslings, who stood on their two legs and bore down upon the wild worax with such brute strength that they snapped them clean in two. But that couldn’t be it. His hands stretched higher, coming now to his head to wonder if some ursine spirit had manifested itself above him, but no-- his finger pads met the soft petals that had fallen from above to either side of his head. Ahh… _now_ he understood, and the faintest of smiles appeared upon his face.

“Alright… I admit, I did not expect that.” Zed did not remove the petals, instead leaving them to sit against his head as if it were their rightful resting place. For a few moments only the sound of his apprentices maniacal snickering filled the air, but then like a bolt from the blue an idea struck him. “But now… you.”

“What do you mean, _me?_ ” Kayn barked back; his hands were _constantly_ touching his hair through habit, and there was nothing there! "Ha _ha,_ I am no fool today!"

His scarily impressive villain laugh was in full swing when movement caught his eye. Shieda’s haughty tones suddenly turned to a gasp as he watched his master pounce from standing with only the slightest bending of his legs! The striking of the tree branch was so strong that if he had little restraint over himself the thing would have buckled instantly, but Zed knew better than to harm nature, especially when the intended purpose of striking it bore such lovely results without the need for dismembering it! At once petals drifted in a flurry akin to snow, falling upon them both as they rode the breeze that slipped through them. Within an instant both were covered in bright blue litterings from head to toe, their tips ensnaring themselves on the curls of their robes.

Kayn found an otherworldly delight in this. There was something about the way they spiraled and danced, living things caught on the breath of their Gods and Goddesses, ever so light to the touch. Against the sparkling sky they were _beautiful_ , beautiful enough for him to feel like he could leap up and capture all this loveliness within the palm of his hand where he could keep it forever-- alongside the loving smile of Zed. Those hands had returned to their sleeves, but Shieda dared not to look anywhere else. He knew if he caught his masters eyes in the midst of such a pretty scene he would barely be able to bear standing still idly... but this did not detract from the moment. 

“It’s beautiful-- even though I’m going to be picking petals out of my hair forever…” The scythe wielder flashed a toothy smile. “Or maybe I’ll make you do it.”

“I told you I’d stop helping you with your hair after you grew it past your shoulders.” Enriched by the others good mood, Zed reached up to lightly brush his fingers against Shieda’s skull, shearing him of a few blossoms and directly contradicting what he was saying in the moment.

“Fair. I’d be wise not to trust you, anyhow. _Like_ an ursling, your hair-styling skills are terrible.” Kayn’s tone was dramatic.

“At least I don’t look like a _wind-farer_.” Zed mumbled under his breath, pretending to be offended.

“Snark? From _you?!_ ”

Shieda made a move to shove Zed in a playful manner, but as usual with a single arm movement his attempt was thwarted-- it only made him more determined to push him! Locked arms, bent slightly over backwards as his heavy apprentice tried ambitiously to get as his cheeks, the leader of the Shadow order didn’t realize he was laughing at the rough-housing until he saw Kayn’s eyes light up in a spectacular manner. Under the blossom tree, as the crowds continued to rush by them, the two jostled until their breath came quickly and a near-by shop owner told them off for play-fighting too close to her floor-orientated store.

Sometimes it was very hard to understand Zed.

He was like a clay that needed to be worked and warmed before becoming someone else, someone younger, someone less worried about the hassle of being alive. That was ok. As long as he lived, as long as he allowed Kayn to follow him to the ends of the Earth he could be whatever he wanted to be. Stony-faced. Sleepy-eyed. Ursling-stanced. _Grinning._ Darkness be damned, there was good within and about him…! Perhaps one day those thoughts would consume him entirely, but as long as he remembered that love that shined in his master’s eyes on days like that, he would not falter to anything that sought to destroy what they had.

That ravine was merely a crack in the earth, and the sun smiled down upon them fondly.

No darkness would catch them that day.

* * *

Akali, statuesque and terrifyingly alarmed, stood there in a golden robe outlined in red with a similarly colored piece of cloth at her mouth. Those keen eyes were currently fixated upon the image of Zed, master of shadows and _murderer_ , goofing about with Kayn, his psychopathic adopted lackey. There was heat blooming at her cheeks and warm memories of a time long ago, where Shen had allowed her to ride upon his back to reach the very same blossom trees… they matched the color of _his_ eyes. Brows narrowed, she hissed;

“ _Idiots._ ” Her business with Zed was _not_ done, but she knew better than to attack him in the middle of a festival, one that she celebrated _too_ no doubt. Turning stiffly and beginning to walk back through the crowd at a more brisk pace, the woman bit her lower lip and tried not to let a pout form upon her expression.

_... I wonder if… naw, Shen’s boring now._

A pang of jealousy, and an indignant huff…!

_... But I can always try to make him un-boring._

* * *


	8. An annoying tent-mate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry.” The rumblings of the others voice made Kayn feel like a scroll shaken by a storm. “I thought… something else was happening.”
> 
> “I-I was o-only talking to you!” Came the mewling of his apprentice-- the ninja’s expression deadpanned.
> 
> Only Kayn would seek to have a conversation with someone who wasn’t even conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wrote this chapter because i wanted to emphasize how strange kayn is.  
> :D  
> also, how annoying he was as a child, too. hes very 'tactile' and always has been (in my headcanon).  
> sometimes, if he cant feel or hold something, he wonders if it really exists or not...  
> so baby kayn in this chapter is super happy just to hold zed.
> 
> zed spends half of this chapter looking distressed.  
> <3
> 
> thank you for all the new comments by the way!! sorry i did not answer some of them, i get that anxiety when you leave a comment for too long and then its like, ahh, awkward, what will they think if i talk to them now!?

It was colder than he had ever been in his life.

To the far north where the frozen sea clashed against an ever-white snow sat their current encampment, their tents only just managing to keep the wind from off of them. Kayn understood that to get money they needed to work and that he was, quote, ‘too young to be alone’ at the monastery (Zed’s words, Zed’s _lie_ , he didn’t want to entrust the keeping of his child to anyone but he) but this, _this_ was something else! The teens little legs had managed to keep up at first, though when the snow started to reach his hips his master had carried him dutifully through the storm at a pace that almost saw the beginnings of frostbite catch them. In the frigid landscape none could keep a light or fire going, so when the black of night had started to descend the party knew they had half an hour left to set up whatever they could against a rock wall that did little to shelter them.

Metal against fabrics sewn from the heavy pelts of waterkin kept everything dry as they hunkered down against the snow in pairs, and while the wetness was no issue, the environment frightened the thirteen year old Kayn. It was so _dark_ that it felt like anything could come from the snow and tear them to pieces, for they’d never hear it coming with the winds ferocious howling. They were clothed in furs from head to toe but that cold felt like it had settled into their bones long ago, tenacious and eager to drain everything it could from them. Coming to terms with death was something he had become used to long ago in the Noxian’s underbelly, but it was never so cold there… never so cold that every single _thought_ that could be thought was of warmth.

He and Zed laid huddled together, their coats and blankets atop them both in a coddled position that benefited the younger of the two greatly-- the master _not_ so much. The adults he knew that were tangled within their own tents had the benefit of full-body warmth, but his little Shieda only came up to his stomach standing… he was begging every blessed being above and below them to not take his legs in this storm, for without them he would be nothing.

“S’cold… it’s so cold.”

The younger male was sure his master was trying to empty his mind of thoughts so that he could trance himself into forgetting where he was, but the boy couldn’t keep quiet any longer. These weren’t the conditions to sleep in. His commander had once told them a tale of people who froze to death on ships the moment they shut their eyes, those same boats still out there upon the sea with the black-frost sailors stuck fast to the decks… no, No! He had to absolutely keep Zed awake; the thought of the other being overcome by ice made his insides twist uncomfortably. Fingers curled against the others clothing he began to _shake_ the poor man until he uttered a sound;

“... Ah?”

The warm huff of air against Shieda’s head made him somewhat giddy, akin to a dog suddenly spotting its master for the first time in a while, and with that excitement he wiggled. Now he’s awake!

“I-I thought… master, you cannot sleep. If you sleep you could freeze.” The child announced loudly. Hearing the words form in the others throat before he said them made him wonder hurriedly if he was about to be scolded, but as his master’s voice shook him he was pleasantly surprised to hear nothing of the sort.

“... I think… I was falling asleep.” Zed’s hold had slacked on the other, and so with conscious effort he hugged Kayn just a little tighter. “... Was.”

“How can you even fall asleep like this!?” The master's tone was lost upon him as he tried to squeeze the others rib-cage as hard as he could, but the child's arm barely reached the middle of the others back. “It’s so, _so_ cold master. It’s like being filled with ice, but worse, because it’s on the outside. Do you know what I mean? _Ice._ Not like the cold when you get wet, that is a different kind of cold.”

The expression on Zed’s face in the dark was that of absolute exasperation.

“I… see.” He remarked patiently, getting a feeling that he really would _not_ be allowed to sleep this storm out as long as Shieda kept up with his energy he got from somewhere. Thankfully his exhaustion from trekking and carrying the other was strong enough to combat the others will. “... You cannot stay awake forever, Shieda.”

The older man gave a forlorn yawn that Kayn was grateful for, if only because the skimming of breath against his skull made that part feel like it wasn’t going to freeze over.

“ _I_ can stay awake forever. I’m _going_ to stay awake.” Proudly proclaimed, his huffing fast against his master's throat as he tipped his head upwards. “You should, too.”

“... Sleeping is good, Kayn…”

“But not sleeping in someplace like this. You could die, you could really die.”

“... Where did you hear that… from…”

… He was fighting a losing battle, wasn’t he? Sleepiness was so heavy on his masters words that the young fighter knew that any second now he would be back to sleep, and he’d be alone with the terrifying dark all around him. This was a different kind of ‘deep dark’, this was a darkness that made you feel like you were safe when really there were terrors awaiting that breathed the same air they did.

Shieda had never actually slept so close to Zed before, not even when he was far younger than this. They had slept in the same bed a multitude of times (the child's nightmares were a… problem), but could never remember being _so_ close. It was like a hug, but one that stretched on forever with the threat of imminent danger right outside. The young Kayn decided that yes, it would be best to manipulate the situation in order to keep his mind off of the winter around him instead of relying on his master. If Zed could not stay awake to fend away his fears and anxieties, then he would have to effectively use the other to do as such _regardless._

_Ok… ok. I just need to think about something else…_

It wasn’t hard to think about what he should do. An opportunity had opened itself like a door to him, and he would pounce upon it as if it were but a fleeting thought-- the master was right _there!_ And, and if he was asleep, then maybe, if Shieda was _sneaky_ like he had been trained to be, he could toy with the others form as much as he wished.

_That’s what I can do. I can pet him!_

It is important to understand what a mythical creature Zed was to the little lad, so awe-inspiring and strong that though they _had_ contact it was never _enough_ for a child. There was a gaping hole in Shieda’s center that cried out often for a kind of warm touch that his caretaker could not give him. Sometimes… just a touch was _ok_ , but often the older ninja’s quiet and reserved nature kept such a concept at bay. He wanted to be touched. Held. Petted. Patted upon the back. Others did such actions towards him, but they would never live up to the amount of sheer loveliness that filled him whenever his master decided he would be nice enough to bestow some visible feelings towards him.

This is why Kayn started by raising a hand tentatively… and petting the others head! The exhausted ninja did not stir, and Shieda tried his best not to start wriggling around against him with childish glee beginning to claim his expression-- he had _petted_ the masters head! No-one else would ever _dare_ to do such a thing, but _he_ , the former Noxian, had done the impossible! He relished greatly in the feeling of the others soft white locks slitted against his fingers, and fueled by the interaction he lost all sense of fear entirely. The cold had been long forgotten, reduced to a simple numbness of his toes and white noise far in the background.

He sat up slowly and allowed the others arm to ever so gently fall from him, and with fingers spread in the dark he began to poke. Yes, _poke._ Shieda poked at his cheeks, his eyebrows, his neck and his shoulders, swiveled his head and prodded at the others legs and stomach. There was nothing to gain really from the poking, but the sneaky teenager was starting to wonder what exactly he could get away with in this tent before his master woke up and growled at him again to ‘stay down’. It was almost a game now. Extending a hand he pinched gently at Zed’s cheek… and nothing happened. Tugged lightly upon his hair. Nothing. Some strange part of the boy wanted to desperately poke him in the eye, but that strange thought was brushed aside with his own snickering. That was dangerous, no, he should never do that to his master.

_This is fun. I never told you master, but one time I found the body of a dead rat and did the same! I’m not saying you’re like a dead rat… I like you way more than that._

Kayn couldn’t place it, but there was something he really enjoyed about listening to the others heart beat. It was embarrassing, but it was something he never heard when he was growing up… save for the ones of animals he had killed. It was something special, something that meant someone was really _there_ , close to him… warm against him. It made him feel ever so sweet as pink dusted his cheeks, thinking about how good it felt to be so close to _anyone_ after all those years of no-one, nothing, no _contact_ , ha! Now he had someone to _be_ with, a living thing right there beside him, a very special thing! Something that always smelled good (and Zed had noticed in despair that Shieda very much liked snuffling at him), like leather and wood and smoke. Something that was always warm no matter how cold it was outside. Something that was human, like him, that had all the parts of a human…!

They had told him no human would ever _stand_ to even be near him, and they were _wrong_! This wasn’t a pen, where his only friends were dead animals and insects too small to gain comfort from. That past was far behind him, where the only warmth he ever felt was a dying animal gasping its last breath in his hands. Ah, what was this feeling blossoming in his chest…? Shieda wriggled himself up to lay as an arch over the older males side, pleased and smiling stupidly to himself at the feeling of the fast pattering of his heart against the others slower, deeper one.

If Kayn knew what love really meant he’d announce, in that moment, that he was very much in love.

All of a sudden, movement-- the gentle twitching of the mans fingers almost made the youth jump out of his skin with fright-- had he woken!? The apprentice held his breath for as long as he could, waiting for the hand to suddenly pry him off or for a stern order to be barked out… but nothing came. The twitching, however, happened again. And again. Peering sightlessly down at Zed with his hackles metaphorically raised, he came across a great discovery that night as he brought his fingers down upon the man’s tense jawline… that even strong people had nightmares, too.

_Your heart’s beating faster now… is it my fault?_

Submissively he immediately crawled back to his spot beneath the furs and hugged his teacher close, his moonlike gaze startled. Never before had he known the other to have nightmares… then again, he usually fell asleep _first_! Oh, this was terrible. Awful. What if _he_ caused the nightmares? What if his prodding and fidgeting had disturbed the other so much that he could not find peace, even in sleep…? The mere thought of being the ‘problem’ made him feel like he could burst into tears at any moment, the horrible coldness of their surroundings settling in against him as if he was out in the snow again.

“Ssshh… shhh… I’m sorry,” Shieda whispered, raising a hand to lightly pat the others cheek. “I didn’t mean to, I promise. I’ll be good.”

Nothing changed. Fretful, Shieda’s arm came back about the other mans torso and this time he tried to deliver a hug onto his master with the same strength as he was usually hugged with-- but there was no change. In fact, it seemed to get _worse._ Harsh puffs of breath were now showered upon his crown as Zed twitched, shifted and gave a weak growl in his sleep with his cheek pressed hard against the floor. Just like that, all of Kayn’s bravery had disappeared like the landscape amongst the snow as he trembled beneath the ninja’s arm.

“I-- I’m, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you up before! Stupid, I’m so _stupid_ , this is all my fault!”

Shivering, stressed and with tears beginning to blur his vision the erratic child tried to wrack his brain to think about what he could _do_ to make things better! If hugging didn’t work and they were so far away that they couldn’t eat anything together, what was there left to do! Kayn began sniffling against the furs on the floor as he pressed himself against the concave of the others arched body so hard that their thunderous hearts beat as one, like the galloping of two horses trying to out run each other. He ruined everything, didn’t he!? Even the others _sleep_ , oh, he _had_ to just ruin that too, because he never did anything right!! He was useless, pointless, rude, stupid, and didn’t even deserve to be warm in this tent with---

“... Di… din’t…”

When Zed mumbled Shieda froze like a woodland animal blinded by fire.

“... Didn’... N… I didn’t do…”

“What… what didn’t you do? I’m right here,” Kayn was whispering breathlessly, “I promise, master, I didn’t go anywhere.”

“Din’t….”

Shieda rose ever so slightly… he wanted to be closer to the others ear so that the sleeping one could hear him clearly.

“Eh… master? I’m worried...”

Closer still, he whispered so that the warmth of his breath tickled the others skin,

“I-If it’s a secret, we don’t have to ta--”

_BANG--!!_

Before Kayn knew it he was face first in snow that easily engulfed him to his shoulders, having been suddenly _tossed_ by a pair of arms that, even when springing from a sleep-addled state, had had the dexterity to throw him clear through the loosely sewn door and out into the howling abyss beyond. Not only had he not heard the other move, but the action had been so swift that the world passed by as a blur! Absolutely frozen by shock and not understanding that he had just been effectively _tossed_ as if he weighed nothing from the tent, he gave a startled cry and began to quiver violently from both the sheer numbness the wind was bestowing upon him as well as the emotional turmoil of being discarded so haplessly! Thankfully, but a few moments after he began to wail loudly, an arm hooked around his middle in the darkness and dragged him yelping back into the somewhat open space of their tent--

“ _Kayn!_ ” Zed barked the moment he had flung his child back down upon the pelts, scrambling to tie the entrance up again so that the wind could not lift the structure away. The knotting had to be loose enough to account for a quick escape, hence the ease in which it had been crashed open by the torso of a child. “Shieda-- are you hurt?? Answer me!”

“... Why d-did you throw m-me, master!!”

“Y-- you shouldn’t play around with people when they are sleeping, Kayn. You startled me.”

_I was literally poking you and you didn’t wake up!! The moment I talk to you you do?!_

Shieda wanted to huff and puff and argue, but simply couldn’t. Now he was _very_ much aware of the dampness of his skin and the snow upon his head where he had landed against the harsh ground and, like a tiny dog, began to shiver uncontrollably. The response was immediate. Zed began patting him with one of the spare floor skins until he was dry and then flopped backwards, patting his breastbone in a hurry.

“Come here-- lay on me.”

Like some poor animal Kayn dragged himself up onto his master as the blankets were pulled once again about them both and those arms folded against his middle. It was… warmer like this. He enjoyed rising and falling with the others breath, enjoyed the way he could just about pick out the details of the others face as he turned it sideways. If it wasn’t for the burn of the coldness and the inescapable terror that was encompassing him, however, he’d definitely feel a lot more… cozy. With his teeth chattering he tried the best he could to try and seem like the action hadn’t meant anything, but misery had overtaken the boy in the short time he had been amongst the white of the outside. Luckily a few seconds in the cold was not enough to do serious damage to anyone.

_Now, still, your heart is beating so fast master… were you scared?_

“I’m sorry.” The rumblings of the others voice made Kayn feel like a scroll shaken by a storm. “I thought… something else was happening.”

“I-I was o-only talking to you!” Came the mewling of his apprentice-- the ninja’s expression deadpanned.

Only Kayn would seek to have a conversation with someone who wasn’t even conscious.

“... You… can’t talk to me when I’m asleep, Shieda…”

“B-But you were talking, too!”

Zed felt his blood freeze in his veins, but kept himself absolutely neutral as those words were spoken, knowing that any automatic teasing would cause his apprentice to pick up upon it. That wasn’t good. The master didn’t quite remember what he had been dreaming about, his memory clipped by his frantic efforts to drag Shieda back into his tent as fast as he could. Carefully, without giving away the pangs of worry that began to bother him;

“What did I say?”

“You said ‘I didn’t do’.”

“... Ah.”

He was having a nightmare about _that_ again. That old collection of memories that were filled with the angry face of his former soul mate, who had come after him time and time again in the weeks that followed the grieving process. It had frankly been terrifying to see a face he had known most of his life as one that smiled ever so brilliantly shift to one that was etched with so much hate that the sentiment seemed to cut him down to the bone. It was a recurring thought most days… and so he supposed that Shieda had never seen him asleep before to realize that nightmares and his master were partners in arms, never one without the other.

“So you’re ok?” Whispered against his shirt, Zed could just about make out the round, shimmering eyes of Shieda gazing at him unblinkingly.

“... Yes. Do not worry-- your safety comes above my own.” The leader gave a great sigh; was there any point of trying to get back to sleep? “You... are a strange child, Kayn.”

“Yes, I am strange... but that means, I am also unique."

Oh… oh! Though his hair was still wet and the chills had not really fled his body, his mood span around the moment he heard that the leader was ok and then span FURTHER when he was called strange! A name from the master-- because _yes,_ being unique was a good thing! The child began to rapidly blink as if to will his tears away, battling his innermost feelings of sadness with the sporadic arrival of good ones, aided by the warmth that enveloped him. All was good again-- and now he was _awake_ and not asleep (or dying?) they could have fun together, couldn’t they? As long as he stayed under the blankets they could do whatever they wanted… the child could no longer keep it a ‘secret’, abandoning the feelings of upset that came with him being thrown. Vibrating intensely with renewed energy he said a little too loudly--

“Also, I was poking you all over. You didn’t wake up once!”

Zed wasn’t quite sure why he sounded so happy about that, and didn’t know what to think about the subject matter in general. _What._

“... Why were you doing that?”

“Because I could.” Spoken so nonchalantly, now that he was once again in the vice grip of a mood swing, something they were both accustomed to by now. “I did things no-one else could, like, I poked your cheek. No-one else could do that because it's ‘disrespectful’, but I did it when you were asleep so you couldn’t stop me. That is the smart way to do it.”

Kayn was proud of his achievements, and even if flaunting them to the person he had assaulted made him liable for punishment he didn’t really care, because showing off was fast becoming his ‘thing’. And, just as predicted, punishment came right on queue.

It was too dark to see the world spinning around, but in a matter of moments Shieda realized that the tables had been both metaphorically and physically turned and now it was _his_ back against the ground…! Zed had flipped himself over to pin the other with his weight against the floor, never heavy enough to suffocate the other but hard enough so that Kayn gave a wheeze the moment air was shoved from his lungs. Legs and arms flailing as he tried to push his master up from him, the child began to whine--

“Master! Master _stop_ , I can’t-- I cant breathe! Get off of me!!” It wasn’t entirely serious as snickering was interlaced with his comments, small hands whacking the side of the others chest. He could not reach his leaders face and so settled for batting at his jaw next. “Off! Off!”

“Next time I am asleep, you will…?” The voice of the ninja drifted downwards, so unaffected by his child's barking.

“I will!! I will poke you _harder_!”

“Hmmm, I see. Well I suppose _you_ shall be my bed for the rest of the night.” Zed feigned a yawn that absolutely fooled Kayn, who began to snort louder like a short nosed dog in play. “Goodnight, Shieda.”

“No- no! Ok, _ok!_ I promise I will not poke you when you are asleep ever again, master!!”

Freedom came when Zed finally rolled himself over with a sort of smirk upon his face, allowing the breathless child to laugh as he scrambled back on top of the other with his own smile upon his face. The master didn’t seem to mind having a scurrying child crawling all over him, for he had had Kayn for three years now and knew the other was very keen on scrambling about him whenever he got the chance. With a low hum, rearranging the blankets to be back over them the best he could, he wound his arms around the others waist and effectively locked him into place. They were both alright... though there had been a few give or take moments, the return of normalcy was a welcome feeling for both of them.

“I suppose… we really are staying awake all night.” The leaders remark wasn't so sad that it would hurt the boys feelings; not that Kayn would have been offended in the first place.

“Master… I want to say something else I was doing, too!”

\-- And of course the little monster had more surprises!

“Go on.”

Kayn buried his face momentarily in the others shirt as if he was suddenly shy, the short furls of his hair tickling the others skin, in that moment very much looking like all of his thirteen years as the older ninja braced for the worst-- but that suspense was short lived. Rubbing his cheek in a nuzzle against the man's shirt he said in a whisper almost,

“I really like being this close to you… I think you’ll call me strange again,” A boyish scowl without any teeth to it, “But, I really like listening to your heart beat, and the way you smell, and how warm you are. Is... that strange?”

_I’m too embarrassed to say it makes me feel really safe. Like I’m not alone…_

If it was an adult saying such a thing Zed would have turned awkward on the spot, instantly shuffling to move away, but these were the words of a child that knew so little about people or how it was to be near to someone. As long as he was expressing the things that made him happy, the leader would be pleased by the development-- there was once a time where Shieda had been afraid to even touch him and _now_ to express a love of his form, well! He was coming forward in leaps and bounds… and those were such _sweet_ things to like. Lifting a hand after a period of silence that had made his apprentice a little worried, Zed petted the kid so gently that the touch almost didn’t connect.

“... That is normal. You like the things that you hear and see and smell when we are close… because your last life lacked those things.” He made his voice as soft as he could. “That doesn’t make you strange.”

Damp and salt and earth and smoke, Kayn gave a trill of elation as he tried to hug his living bed as hard as he could. Part of him wished the night would never end, and he could stay glued to his masters front forever... if only to feel as good as he did in that moment, to feel that thunderous heart against his quickened one, to have warmth seep into him from his toes to his head. To be petted by his savior, to know that, as long as the other lived, he would have someone who would shelter him even amidst a terrible storm.

“I’m… really glad about that.” Shieda hummed just as gently back. “I want to sleep on you… always.”

Zed heard the metaphorical screeching of a cart stopping the moment that was chimed.

“That won’t be possible when you grow bigger.” The shadow master awkwardly 'laughed' (it was more of an airy wheeze) as Kayn’s expression turned to a pout.

“Yes it will! I’ll be able to hug you so much better, then.”

“Shieda, I’m not having you keep me awake for the rest of my life.” The ninja’s fingers curled and tugged a little at the others hair playfully! “That would really be a nightmare…”

“Ow, _ow!_ Don’t be mean. Besides, I know where your room is!”

“I’ll lock the door.”

“I’ll, I’ll climb in through your window!”

“I’ll shut it.”

“ _Mastterrrr_! You’re so much nicer when you’re _asleep_...!!”

* * *

Kayn was dead to the world.

After saying he was going to stay up all night, Zed lay pretty much sleepless with a kid laying directly upon him, drooling into his clothes. The other acolytes stared in wonder as the white haired male staggered through the snow, bleary eyed with circles of grey beginning to appear beneath them… and a child upon his back, arms wrung weakly around his neck. Before any had the chance to ask anything, the Orders leader mumbled in a most depressing way,

“The boy kept me up…”

… Ah, now he was starting to sound like a _real_ father.


	9. Fire and smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (kayn addressing a god) wouldnt it be funny if we lived forever... aha jk... unless?
> 
> in this chapter, aka rhaast technically saves the day, im back at it again with creating my own ionian stuff aha  
> (riot hire me im doing this for free)  
> ive probably mentioned it before, but the goddess they are 'talking' to is nature itself.  
> ionias land is alive after all.  
> this chapter i wanted to focus on the intensity of zeds feelings towards his son, because i write a ton about how kayn is almost dependent on zed, and it works the other way around too. 
> 
> Never misjudge the stupidity of a Noxian.
> 
> PS; TW: MINOR GORE IN THIS CHAPTER.  
> PPS; oh hey rhaast, nice of you to drop in! youre a star in the next chapter...? say it aint so...

Kayn and Zed stood strong upon the low lying branch of a towering tree, shrouded by the dark shadows that the dying sunlight cast against them.

“There they are… I see them.”

“... The light is fading. Come twilight, we will strike.”

It wasn’t often that Noxian camp’s were built anymore, not since the withdrawal of their main fleet from the continent, but sometimes they arose like weeds in the garden. Usually seeking treasured natural resources that did not fare well in the main-lands climate, they came as small bands, armed to the teeth and operating under the cover at night. Their daytime adornments allowed them to blend into an Ionian crowd, but as soon as the sun set the jagged teeth and glinting steel of their war-armor hung heavy upon their backs… alas, they could _not_ fool a seasoned tracker.

Said seasoned trackers were the two lead ninja’s of the Shadow order, for they alone were enough to dispatch a patrol. Having feverishly tailed them in the day they knew by their gait and accents alone that they shared no Ionion blood and their wagon did not contain earthen wares as they had claimed… instead were the hollow pikes of their strange foreign tools that they bore deep into the trunks of the Salatite trees, whose leaves stayed golden all year round. They would seek to rob the natural being of its sap, a well known favorite of low level bomb-runners in the war for how easily it ignited; but a single flint stroke would see it burn at a rate that far surpassed the usual wound-rope fuses. Though the trees themselves had a way of fighting off fire, they had no natural defense against something as intrusive as metal rods baring deep into their hearts.

These sap thieves would not leave with their lives. Weapon makers that worked against Ionia were better off _dead_. The audacity of using their own resources against them made the blood in Zed’s veins boil as he awaited the death of the sun patiently, his apprentice giddy with the anticipation of the fight. The twenty year old Shieda was the bait, after all. If they were busy paying attention to the flashy entrance of the scythe wielder they would not even bat an eye at Zed ambushing from behind to destroy their backline, and when the troupe had been cut down to but one or two members they could laugh, mock, and _then_ be gracious enough to grant them death.

“We must be careful,” The mask covering his face made his voice echo ominously, “There is a chance they have explosives on them.”

“Would they be so careless as to carry explosives in a forest filled with trees that are fully capable of spontaneously combusting?” Kayn scowled; but after a beat of silence, added, “... You’re right.”

“Never misjudge the stupidity of a Noxian.”

“I suppose that wagon they are keeping clear of would be hiding the weapons, then.”

From their distance, far enough to be invisible and inaudible but close enough to pick out simple details, both sets of eyes narrowed at the wooden wagon that was cloaked in beige cloth. It did not need to be said. They needed to avoid it at all costs. Kayn took a sharp inhale and peered upwards at the sky with the twinkling of the first stars in his eyes.

“It’s time.”

“We meet back here, clear of the salatite trees, in case one of us gets in trouble.”

“As you wish, master.”

“Good hunting.”

“Good hunting!”

And the two sprang in opposite directions.

Zed’s navigation of the trees was akin to a bird hopping branch to branch, never missing a footstep as he shadow-walked from spot to spot in a blink of an eye. It was never not an event to don these claws and deprive a Noxian of the precious thing called life, but it had become so _rare_ these days…! The man prided himself on being someone that did not succumb easily to the crippling force that was blood-lust, but action was fleeting (and that was good!) and he needn’t become rusty in the field simply because the war was over. This single wagoned caravan alone proved that the war did not end with Noxus’s retreat, for as long as Ionia was rich in things they could not barter with they would return over and over again like insects.

Kayn was no longer in sight as he crept up behind the Noxian camp, red eyes trained upon their sleepy forms. Seven in total, four standing, three sitting. Their sap stealing tools were already glistening with the golden life-blood of the trees, the mixture carefully being spilled into square boxes to minimize their bumping within the caravan and _oh_ , how he burned! Zed was not Shen, but Ionian’s would never treat the forest with such _disrespect_...! It was the law imbued within all of them, the sacred pact between man and beast and the nature they walked upon… none shall come to harm the motherland, for she had raised them all. His claws clattered at only a step above whisper level, hands shaking now with anticipation, eyes trained upon the darkness afar for the signal to move. That night they would be saviors of this forest.

They would do Ionia proud.

The signal flared to life, and Zed braced to pounce.

Shieda’s signal that he was about to leap into battle was not actually one that was intended our planned-- simply put, it was the flaring of his Darkin armor and the red glint of his eye that gave away his position to the other ninja. The Noxian’s would not spot it. They did not know to look for a single eye in the dark, it’s hazy pupil dancing across their figures. The leader knew that Kayn would be braced in a similar manner to them, awaiting a perfect half-second to suddenly leap into the fray. In unison they breathed slowly, methodically, apart but together. Their eyes watched as the biggest man there turned ever so slightly away from the scythe-wielder to turn his eyes to the fire, and that small action alone was _all_ they needed.

Like a bolt from the blue the arrival of Kayn was as immaculate as ever with his precision as the curve of his blade decapitated the biggest man upon the spot, only getting nicked upon his armor for a brief seconds: the younger male pivoted, using the force of the stop to dislodge the entrails and armor-chain from the blades curious teeth. The uproar took a few seconds to begin as the onlookers pupils shrank with disbelief, but they were foolish. The time it took one of them to grab his gun was long enough for Kayn to simply jam the scythe against his middle, and like knife through butter the darkin weapon tore that foot soldier in half. At the exact same time as the second mans death the other ninja had joined the fray with the same silent approach as his student. Zed felt his claws jam and _break_ his target's spine with the force of his own forward lunge, completely negating the mans armor, and like a rock the Noxian dropped with blood spewing from his gaping mouth. The sickening crack caused the fellow beside him to bark in surprise, turning only a fraction towards the master before a shadow clone thrust its claws directly through his skull… those eye sockets caved inwards and his body dropped limply to the floor in an instant.

The ground was littered in blood and the remnants of once live men, and with despair both Zed and Kayn noted that two had simply fled all together, leaving the last man standing before the warm glow of the fire-light. His armor was of the lower metals just as the others and his expression was horrified, for he knew that he would die upon that spot-- but the situation had become incredibly complicated in the moment.

That man’s foot beside the fire… surely he wouldn’t?

“Run away, Noxian dog… and we may let you live.” Came the low growl of Zed’s voice-- a lie, of course. No matter how far they ran they could _not_ outrun either he or Shieda and they would most definitely be killed. Kayn’s eyes were watching the men running, anxious to give chase… but they both knew, in that instant, that any wrong move could mean trouble for both of them. If it weren’t for the streaks of sap upon his working jacket the ninja would have simply had the shadows grab him from behind… but there were suspicious lumps at his belt, hidden in linen pouches.

If those were bombs, then it would take a single spark...

… But what if they weren’t?

“Y-You killed them.” The Noxian whined, legs beginning to tremble. “W-We’re not part of the invasion, we’re jus--”

“It does not matter _who_ you are, you came to Ionia to _steal_.” Shieda’s hissing and the violent gaze of his weapon’s eye seemed to unnerve him far more than Zed’s stoic composure. “And for your crimes, we _could_ sentence you to death…”

“... Or we could let you _live_. Simply step away from the fire.” The master spoke calmly after, thankful for the mask upon his face… it shielded his alarmed expression from view.

Kayn took a step forward.

The Noxian flinched _hard_ , his boot came to the fire and skirted embers across the ground-- but nothing caught.

And now the tension was far more severe.

“Run. Away.” Zed felt his shoulders rising, his breath coming faster as he readied his claws to taste the blood of their enemy once again, “You could return back home…”

“O-Or I could, I could take you with me.” The Noxian chattered breathlessly, having been reduced to a quivering mess before them. “Blow us a-all sky high.”

“I am tiring quickly of your presence.” Kayn added with a snarl, “Your coward friends have left you, but we assure you we will hunt them down. We will kill _them_ in revenge for you.”

This little routine was not out of the ordinary for the two; both knew the lies they had to spew to get the vermin on their side, both knew what they had to ‘promise’ to get a coward to think they had the honor of a Noxian. Zed dared not to look directly at his student but saw from the corner of his eye that those yellow-red pupils of the others kept looking downwards… for certain Shieda had seen what hung at the others belt, too.

_Never misjudge the stupidity of a Noxian._

Was it a bluff?

Did those linen pockets capped in leather contain gold? Water? Tools? Food? No matter how hard he strained his ears Zed could hear no noise over the jangling of that weak, malleable armor. There was so much from the modernized realms that the ninja’s simply couldn’t understand even after their many triflings with the enemy, for new things were always being invented, every second of every day. Silence descended upon the camp.

And then was broken by a the snapping of a single twig--

All Hell immediately broke loose.

Upon a hair-trigger Zed twisted and bolted in the direction of the sound, knowing _immediately_ what it was before he had even locked eyes upon them: the traitors had returned! It took him but a second to close the gap, the foot-mans sword swinging upwards and his blade twisting sideways to impale his chest straight through the gap in his ribs. About a quarter second after the master had moved Kayn jumped forward to accost the sap worker who immediately tried to move out of the terrifyingly fast ninja’s way, stumbling atop the fire pit with ashes scattering brazenly across the floor-- and though his blood painted the night within a heartbeat of his movement there was no stopping what was already in motion. Scraps of sap caught, the tools caught, the writhing body of the man caught, the wagon caught… for a few seconds all became golden and orange and white and red, and then the _explosion_ came.

In that moment, Zed and Kayn turned to catch each other's startled eyes.

“NO--”

_THOOOOOM._

The wagon spewed white light into the surrounding area as Zed felt himself thrown back by the blast savagely, airborne for a few stunned moments before being crushed harshly against a tree by the sheer force of the wind. Immediately the ninja tasted the tang of metal, hearing reduced to an annoying buzzing and sight crippled by the dazzling gleam of the ever-bright fire that was suddenly roaring before him. Staggering as fast as he could to his feet with warm blood oozing from the back of his head the leader struggled to get air to return to his lungs… and when it did it was laced with ash.

_Damn it!_

What stood before his hunched figure was a fire twelve feet high, spanning the forest in a large wall that was growing longer and longer by the second as the precious salatite trees caught as easily as a spark to oil. Once caught, they would burn for a minimum of ten minutes as their leaves began to wind inwards and their branches curled about them in a natural defense to dampen those flames… but by then Zed knew it would be too late. The other trees had no such defense against the fire, and as black clouds began to climb into the sky, the leader watched helplessly as the world began to crumble to dust all about him.

Knowing that the Kinkou _would_ come to clear up this mess, the quivering master began, on foot, to run away from the flames with a sharp nagging pain in his leg-- something had broken, but that did not mean he could stop.

“Kayn!!” Barked out with red eyes wild, pausing to cough among the smokey haze that was befalling the area. “KAYN!”

That image was stuck in his head. The look upon his students face, the mixture of disbelief and hopelessness that encompassed him and the way the white light had split them apart… the way his leg buckled and bent, only held straight by his armor, did nothing but exasperate a sort of growing madness within him. Every step in the darkness he took and every moment he spent without those wild yellow eyes made everything within him quiver in a bout of psychological pain far stronger than the pangs at his head or the mewling of leg muscles. It was no knife to the heart, it was no banging of steel against the spine, it was a terrible electrical stinging that made his breathing come quicker-- there was no time for ‘calm’ here. Not while he was… _gone._

_But I’ll find him, I swear by the mother below I will find him._

With a grunt Zed clumsily began to _run_ through the undergrowth, almost tripping on every step, rounding the area where they both had fallen with gusto as he observed the shimmering leaves of the ignited trees turning ever so slowly inwards-- everything within him willed them to go faster, for the longer the wall of flame spent burning between them the longer it would take to get back to his apprentice. That iridescent fire was too strong to simply shadow-step through, for the failings in his own energy made the move precarious; what if he came out straight into the embers and burned along with the bark of the tens of trees already crackling with flame? No, if he was hurt then… then he couldn’t…

“Kaaayn,” The name came ragged from his mouth as he gave a sickly wheeze, moving to toss the lower half of his helm to the ground. It did nothing but obscure his breathing and the top half had been blown back long ago. “Kayn… SHIEDA…”

The leader was howling at the elements, but there was no response.

_He’s alive. He has to be alive._

This was not the time for paranoia to addle him, but even the idea that Kayn was… no, _no_ , Zed gave himself no time to even _consider_ that line of thinking as he became acutely aware of the dimming of the corners of his vision-- the oxygen was low here. Remaining by the flames was causing a sickness to churn deep within him, one that caused every blink he took to become slower and slower. In a brazened move the Ionian pushed his weight fully onto his broken leg and allowed pain to fork through his body like lightning, immediately waking it up from its quiet lull. Openings were appearing. He would need to move as fast as he could the moment one provided a break in the fire-line.

Before him, as if sensing his emotions, a salatite tree closed itself completely to the world in a self-hug that saw its bark turning stonelike, a magnificent response to fire that it had learned far before the land was known as the ‘first land’. With its curling came the death of fire upon its skin, embers scattering amongst the ashen forest floor as they found nothing more to consume-- and Zed burst through the fire-break in a heavy lunge that saw him clear of the flames reach. There was no mercy waiting for him as the floor received his body harshly, the male tumbling from a forward roll into a dusty, dirty heap.

Every inch of him was quivering in pain and, even though his mind was alight with every emotion under the sun, that stupid, _human_ body of his was simply not responding. Well, if he couldn’t stand up, he would _crawl_ along the earth like the wyrm he was until he found his student, and perhaps then, _then_ he would be permitted to die. Not a second before. The smoke in his lungs and the duplication of things within his vision could and would be overcome, he simply needed to get back onto his feet...

_I… I have to find the boy. You may consume me afterwards, mother… but until then I will push this body of mine until it breaks for him._

And Zed _stood._

Nails against a jagged rock, he clawed himself up to a stand with the beginnings of tears gathering at his eyes from the weighing of feelings at his heart alongside the howling of his body to stop, rest, lay _down!_ He defied those orders, pushed himself upright and saw the misalignment of his lower leg (It was dangling now, held by skin and tissue and cloth) but did _not_ even think about stopping. Zed limped, thankful that the wind was blowing the smoke down-wind on this side, and called with his voice scratchy--

“Kayn… Kayn…?” Every word was fuzzy from soot. “Kayn… Shieda…?”

The ninja had made it a few steps before puking violently upon the floor, back bent and bloody. The sickness was growing. Saliva hung from his jaws as he coughed and coughed and _spat_ , but the ash had gathered in his lungs and had settled within him like snow to a field. Those bones were shuddering and his guts were writhing, and with nothing else to give he broke into a short bout of gagging and light convulsions, the taste of soot and bile and blood upon his tongue.

_Am I… dying?_

It was easy for Zed to ponder about his own death; he had done it many times at various times in his life and was not immune from the troubling aspects of his own mental psyche and the way it so often pondered mortality. The male had never seen his death in flame and smoke, only in battle at the hands of anyone but a Noxian, skewered upon a pike or slashed in half by a broadsword. It would be due to sluggish reaction, to distraction, to an opponent that was finally worthy of taking down a master assassin… but never to an element. Never drowning, never a fall from a high place. There was so little dignity in collapsing due to smoke inhalation. His flesh would be burned to nothingness and his bones painted black, blacker than the night sky above in all its shining wonder. The world was tilted… his tired head lulled to the side.

_I… I cannot die, because… because Kayn is waiting for me._

A single step forward.

_I… can still walk… so I will find him._

But the light within was so _low._ What if he found his apprentice broken backed upon the ground, what then? What if his own mortality had made his arrival too late and what he found was the body of his beloved lifeless before him…? Zed _ached_ deep in his chest as his throat tightened and his fingers began to shake, no, not his Sheida. A mission turned wrong was a possibility for _every_ mission that they went on, but nothing would ever ready him for the loss of a life so close to his own. This was the boy that he picked up from the mud, the boy who he had nurtured with every inch of his heart into a fine young man that would be _proud_ to die for his master, but the grief and anguish that would befall the ninja in the shadow of Kayn’s death would not simply be swept away. The next world would await him, too, giddy in its eagerness to receive them both.

_I no longer know… how to live without him by my side._

The male brushed the tears that were hot at his eyes away with an arm, recognizing that they were no longer tears of pain but of grief as he leant himself heavy against a rock. That scuttling gate, his annoying laugh, the snarky joking… those _eyes_ that searched for him every time he was out of their sight. A weak sob broke loose as Zed rested his head against the stone he was clinging to, absolutely unable to let go as if he was replying upon it with every ounce of his remaining life. It felt like the man’s life was fleeting, tethered by just a few threads that threatened to snap at any instant.

_I, I am alive, so I cannot falter. I cannot give in._

A push forward, a stumble, and a brief stop to gasp in pain.

_It’s so… so dark._

This would surely be his end, in the depths of some dark forest, scorched by a fire sprung about by Noxian’s and Ionian’s alike. Those tethers pulled taught, Zed’s eyes fluttered closed and _stayed_ close long enough for him to gaze at the scattering of white spots behind his eyelids, like flowers dancing in the wind. Kayn liked flowers. He’d purposefully go out of his way to avoid treading on them (as most Ionian’s did!) but ha, when _he_ went around them he turned it into a kind of elegant waltz. Every step forward Shieda took was a dance, precise and methodical, incredibly light upon his feet as he chatted idly about whatever was making him happy in that moment. The thoughts brought a smile to that worn face. Maybe beyond the beyond in the worlds of the celestials they would be able to make more memories like that together--

Zed’s eyes suddenly snapped open.

_Somewhere… something is calling me._

A strange tugging at his heart, a lure in the abyssal ocean-- this _feeling_ hit him like a hound with its nose upon the blood scent. Life renewed within the ninja as he began perilously searching the earth with his eyes, staggering from tree to tree with his leg dragging behind him. It was familiar somehow. Familiar in ways that he could not quite _place_ , sort of like having a stranger call out your name in the dark. No, the leader could not chance it, if he did _not_ answer the call then his hope would wane into nothingness and the light of his life would be gone forever.

_Kayn…? I do not know what reaches out to me…_

He was almost dead north, where the other had approached from.

_... But… this has to surely be a sign..._

A sign from above or below or betwixt the spaces of the trees, there, _there!_ Zed gave an audible gasp as something caught his eyes in the dim distance, a short sprints length, if he could just _run!_ Hopping, limping, fleeing from tree to tree he neared-- it was a glow, but it was not the glowing of a minute fire or embers cast afar by the explosion. It was of a blood-reddish hue and kissed the low-laying grasses so lightly that he thought, for a brief second, that perhaps it was an illusion of death. It wasn’t. As Zed spurred himself onwards he realized he recognized that glow, that quiet beacon in the dark… it was, it was…!!

“ _You_ \--”

_The **weapon!!**_

Laying there in the tall grass was the strange, slit-eyed weapon, its eye half asleep as it listlessly flickered over Zed’s face. It’s activation could only mean one thing… that that arm draped across its hilt was none other than…

“ _Kayn!_ ”

The orientation of his body against the ground and the blood upon the grass made up a picture in Zed’s mind, one where Kayn had been blown back and had not struck anything in the way, instead ending up with his half body razed by the floor. This was not the first thing Zed noted. The _first_ thing was that the other was alive, as the pressing of two fingers against his throat bore a weak pulse pressing back, causing him to let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. Upon his knees by the others body with a hand curled around the top of Shieda’s arm, the master gazed down into the strange eye of the toothed scythe with as much gratitude as he could bear, hoping that the strange parasitic creature understood.

_Thank you… without you I would have faltered._

Quietly, knowing that his job was done, the scythe gave a slow blink back… before falling into slumber, the blade coiling in upon itself akin to a cat curling up to sleep. _That_ is where he had known the feeling from. It was the scythes magicks, some dark aura flung forth like a hand in the dark, searching for anyone that could follow the lure; any time it was wielded in battle anyone could feel the pressure it exerted upon the space around it. It mattered not _why_ the Darkin wanted Kayn alive, no, not now. All that mattered is that it had brought them back together in the dying moments of its activation before falling into its deep, quiet slumber.

“Shieda-- Shieda, you have to wake up _now_.” Zed shook him listlessly yet weakly by the shoulders, “We have to leave.”

They could not stay together upon the forest floor, for if the wind turned the smoke fell back upon them they would surely suffer a fate that he had tried so hard to avoid. The man’s hand ran through the others leaf-heavy hair for but a brief moment before that arm wrapped itself about the younger males torso, pulling him into a close hug against the ninja that saw the scythe wielder's chin against his shoulder. They were together, but that only brought a measured amount of relief. All Zed knew in that moment was that they were both alive, bleeding, injured and very much stuck in that delve in the earth as the fires burned in the near distance.

Those same flames glimmered in the deep reds of the leaders eyes as he watched from afar at the chaos that they had caused… no, it was not _their_ fault. Their punishment for the ordeal was being dealt to them at that moment, but the fires were Noxian caused. Slowly rocking with Kayn’s weight against him, Zed felt his eyelids grow heavy and his breath rate wane as his strength completely fizzled out and died, the last of it used on finding his boy. The broken leg splayed out at the others side was so horrendously bent at an angle that pain no longer became an issue, for it had become numb long ago. It could be fixed, they had magicks for that- ninja’s were always breaking bones in particular, it was the slash and gouge wounds that were far harder to control.

“But there… there is no cure for death, Shieda.” Mumbled breathlessly, the world beginning to skew upon a tilt again. Perhaps Runeterra was falling off of its axis… no, it was he who had come to lay against the grass, his apprentice quietly against his side. It reminded him of times long ago, where his apprentice would sleep curled at his flank. A small smile curled the corner of his lips as everything became hazy and dark…

“... Ah… but… t-that’s ok…” Came the gentle whisper… “Be… because… I found you…”

_We are together now… our lives are in the hands of the mother below us._

Zed’s eyes came to a close.

_But if she can only save one of us… please let it be you._

* * *

_T_ _up. Tup. Tup. Tup. Tup._

Were those…?

When the leader of the Shadow order next opened his eyes, he noted with a disorientated gaze that his hair was covering his face; streaked with black from the smoke it kissed the bridge of his nose ever so gently as the white noise of his unconsciousness began to fade-- no…? No, that was not white noise, it was… rain! _Rain_ was falling down upon him, a blessing from nature herself to defeat the fires that had been raging so ferociously before. There was another noise, however. A thudding noise… _footsteps,_ and with a slight jolting motion Zed felt his entire body stiffen as he realized that he was being _carried--_

“Ah… you’re awake--”

“... Kayn...”

Zed regretted speaking almost immediately as he entered a bout of vicious coughing, attempting not to hack his lungs up. Indeed, the warmth at his front had been the back of his apprentice, who had slung his body over him and was walking (awkwardly) with one arm fast against the master's uninjured leg and the other dragging the annoyed looking scythe in the other. Shieda had been using his cheek to squish his master’s arm against his shoulder in an attempt to stop him from simply falling off of his back, but the entire thing was a rather difficult affair and the young males progress had been incredibly slow upon the trail. They were coming to the forest’s edge about a mile from their previous location, the moon beginning to decay in the sky… the night was not yet over.

“Welcome back to the world of the conscious, master-- don't speak for now.” Shieda was evidently out of breath and tired, for his usual snark was missing. “I woke up when the rain started falling… thank the clouds, hm?”

_Just hearing your voice…_

Zed swallowed thickly, arms coming to a tight hold around the others throat as he buried his head gently against his apprentices shoulder.

_... I cannot explain the joy I feel._

Kayn didn’t need to hear it from the others mouth. That gentle pressure that his leader bore down upon him was enough to signal the older male’s indescribable feelings, and whether it was because he was saved or whether it was because Kayn was quite alive made no difference. Shieda didn’t need to probe and his master didn’t need to voice out every feeling with words, for that was simply how they were. _His_ job was to keep on walking until they were clear of the trees, far enough so that the foliage had thinned and the land became plain, to where humanity lived upon the edge of nature. There were often places to hide there, be it of natural formation or man-made.

Together they trekked in absolute silence until the earth beneath them lost its dips and became sterner underfoot, the spitting of the rain-clouds above twisting themselves into the beginnings of a thunderstorm. This was no problem for Shieda, who’s baggage was light and whose boots were infallibly waterproof, but the ground was becoming a _tad_ slippery and he did not wish to face-plant the ground. When the dotting of trees came to a stop both men gave a single sigh in unison… there, just before them, was a coaches waiting station.

A final stop before entering the forests, the waiting station was there for the maintenance of hand-carts, specifically for those dragged along by man alone. The spaces between the trees were not large enough for a hoofed animal to successfully maneuver, but many in Ionia were the owners of small wheeled tug-carts that occasionally needed wheel fixing or new roping… and of course, all of such was free. Appearing to seem very much like a long and narrow stable, rows of iron tools and hemp ropes of varying thicknesses hung along the back, shelving boxes containing natural lubricants and spare bolts. None ever stole such things. It simply was not the Ionian way… that, and they had little to no value.

Kayn dropped Rhaast briefly to unlock the gate before dragging the weapon inside and closing it behind him; it was just deep enough to accommodate them both safely from the howling storm overhead. Zed slid from his apprentices back with a soft ‘oof’, trying his best to ignore the sudden flaring of pain as the bones of his broken leg speared against his flesh, settling into a haphazard sit with it shoved out in front of him.

“... Bless the clouds,” He murmured tiredly, “For the undoing of all the wrong that was caused tonight.”

Shieda was less poetic as he came to a sit beside his master (flopping down as close as he could be), an annoyed expression upon his face.

“Bastard Noxians. _Stupid_ , empty-headed Noxians…! I saw not what he had at his belt, but I _think_ it was alcohol.”

“As good as any bomb near a fire.”

“I hope they were burned alive, right to the bone.”

Ah, the leader was ever so thankful for the warmth of the other’s side against his, it was slowly melting away the cold rain that had been causing his flesh to shiver softly. Somehow it even made the stinging that came with every breath feel so much lighter with every second that passed. Listening to the pattering of rain above them they shared a gentle silence together with their minds both racing, as if they wished to convey _something_ shared but were to afraid to do so. Zed would _not_ feel embarrassment over the ache in his chest that begged him to ever so gently to hold the other, but he would feel _frightened._ As frightened as he had felt when the other was out of his sight, or when he had saw the males body laying there lifelessly against the floor. Painfully aware of the way his heart had begun to race, he broke that soft silence with a voice that almost cracked with heavy emotion.

“... I am so thankful you are alive, Shieda.” Zed had to whisper, for if he tried to speak at a normal volume he knew that lump in his throat would betray him. “I thought…”

“... I had died? _No._ ” Despite the lengths of his fringe hiding his eyes, a cocky smile had broken out upon Kayn’s face. “The moment the blast happened I became shadow, if only so I would not hit anything in my fall… and I didn’t. I am perhaps a bit bruised and I most _definitely_ hit my head, but it’s nothing _I_ can’t handle!”

_That laugh… that tone…_

“I see…” The beginnings of tears appeared at the edges of his somber eyes.

_... I was correct before… I can no longer live without you, Shieda._

Zed’s body suddenly jolted as a pair of strong arms came about his front to cuddle him in close, the sheer size of his apprentice compared to his frame always startling to the older ninja. Jostled up against Kayn’s side, the younger man barked out--

“I knew _you’d_ be alive, master. I mean, I wasn’t conscious enough to doubt-- but if I was I wouldn’t have doubted at _all._ Ha, as if some Noxian explosion would really keep you down… besides, you wouldn’t leave me all on my own in some stupid forest at night time. I would ask for permission to speak freely, but I _really_ just want to say you should stop looking so sad. Because we’re _both_ alive. Your leg is sort of… not-good looking, but we can fix that easy when we get back _home._ ”

The smallest of smiles adorned the leader’s expression as his apprentice prattled, those arms kept tight about his body… and when Zed moved to lean his cheek upon the others shoulder Kayn said nothing of it lest he spook the other away.

_... I love you more than words can describe._

“Hm... that's better." Shieda's own grin had become toothy, yellow eyes cast down upon the others semi-visible expression. A beat before he began _shouting_ out into the rain, above the wind itself, "Thank you, Mother, for sparing us both and for bringing the rains to the forest. If any creatures should have been harmed we accept any punishment you could bring down upon us. They burned you, but may the scar fade swiftly, and may life spring anew in the coming weeks!" 

"... And may you take the unworthy as your own... use them to grow stronger than ever before. Until then... we shall always be there," Zed breathed with the faintest joy fringing his words, "To protect what is yours."

In the silence that followed the two observed there, high above them, the patchiness of the incoming clouds had dissolved into a hole in which the moonlight shafted down in the gentlest shades of blue. Both of them gave a gentle gasp in unison as their eyes caught the fleeting yet dazzling light, and their hearts swelled with an ethereal joy that caused them both to suddenly bow their heads in respect; their Goddess had been listening to the weary souls in the wooden box, broken and beaten from their ongoing fight. Under his breath Kayn dared to whisper cheekily,

"And while you're listening, please make is so me and master live forever."

Zed blinked in surprise... and then laughed, _genuinely_ laughed. It hurt his haggard lungs and made him splutter for a few moments afterwards, but he simply couldn't help himself--

"Live forever... together?" 

_I think..._

"Of course!"

_... I would like that very much._


	10. Whats love is love I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i got a flamer comment from an anon that one of the chapters made them feel uncomfortable and some other rude stuff.  
> luckily i was writing this chapter at the time, so the timing was pretty good.  
> i want to say in advance i dont ship zed x kayn /at all/.  
> if you do, you do you, im not interested in shipping wars or childish things like that (there is one kayn ship i very much dislike, if only because the person he gets shipped with looks like a child cough cough) this being said, id never go after people for what they like.  
> this chapter, i HOPE, will make things clear about my stance on kayn x zed.
> 
> in short, ive always set up shieda to be someone that is quite sick (mentally).  
> there is so much he cannot understand or deal with.  
> love is one of those things.  
> his 'love' towards zed, as something other than a parent, isnt.. healthy.  
> i wanted to explore if its REALLY love when it has gone that far, hence the title. whats love is love... but can it go by other words?
> 
> What about... obsession?
> 
> thankfully for him, intervention will come in the most surprising of people...  
> (yes, this is a two parter!)  
> (SORRY IM RAMBLING I THINK IM TRYING TO BE SMARTER THAN MY WRITING ALLOWS FOR ERGWERH)

“I feel like black goes with everything… but I wouldn’t look good in yellow. Or orange.”

**_I cannot possibly stress this to you any harder; I absolutely do not care._ **

The benefits of having a talking weapon were slim compared to the downsides, but one of the plus points was having someone to talk to that simply couldn’t leave! With his legs dangling off a cobblestone wall, the twenty year old Kayn sat patiently waiting for any trouble that could arise in the Ionian lowlands with his view being that of rolling fields of gold and green. The man didn’t technically _need_ to be stealthy, not on a patrol… that and sitting in silence was beyond boring. This particular region wasn’t known to ever have trouble, but on hot summer days it was always best to have someone posted upon the minor cliff edge just in case. Rhaast’s activation was a by-product of the absolute lack of action, the poor scythe tipped downwards so that Kayn could smack his head against the ground every now and then.

“Pay attention. The colors that work well on _me_ , I feel, are blue and purple and black. Dark colors… I feel like they make me look mysterious.”

**_Considering the fact that you spend half of your life shirtless, I feel like any color would be an improvemeNTTT. Stop hitting me!_ **

“No. Grow some hands and then perhaps you can dictate my actions by simply stopping me.”

Shieda was frustrated and they both knew it. In the nighttime he and his master were to attend a meeting in public, specifically in a restaurant known for hosting the richest of clients for business both shady and perfectly legal. _This_ meant that he had to look his best, because if the client did _not_ chicken out and actually followed through with the agreement (it was usually about a fifty-fifty chance whether they would or not) then he would need to look smart! They simply wouldn’t blend in in normal ninja attire after all. Well… perhaps this was only half the reason that the long haired male was acting a little erratic.

The other reason was because… being at a fancy restaurant… with the master…

**_You’re acting like a goat in heat-- I cannot stand it._ **

Rhaast was plowed so hard against the earth that the sound of some stone being cleaved in half was heard.

“I-I’m! _Not_... a _goat_ , firstly. Secondly I just want to look good.”

**_I can feel it… some intense desire to show off, like a peacock prancing about with its feathers to attract a mate._ **

“Compare me to an animal one more time and I _will_ throw you into the sea with a hundred anchors tied to you so that none will ever find you ever again!!”

**_Oh, please, go right ahead! I would rather be dying at the bottom of the ocean then be subjected to the thoughts and feelings of some horny idiot-- poor little Kayn, a bull with no cow--_ **

And Kayn threw Rhaast off of the cliff.

Now, thankfully it was but a short cliff and the distance down was only around thirty feet, but this happened often. Knowing that the weapon had no access to him and his thoughts when they were not touching was a blessing in disguise, for whenever Shieda got sick of the creature he could simply fling him afar (never far enough to lose sight, however) until he got himself under control. The Darkin _knew_ he hated being deemed as nothing more than a pervert. Kayn fancied himself as far more high brow than that, completely able to conduct himself in an almost _sexy_ manner if he wished to, for indeed, there were people of both genders who often regarded him as such! But being good looking and being a ball of male hormones were not synonymous, no. One could be suave and discreet and handsome and flirty without begging on their knees for sexual intimacy.

… But he was lying to himself.

Being a ‘ball of male hormones’ was basically the definition of his everything.

Coming to a swift and quiet landing beside Rhaast’s deactivated form, Kayn picked the weapon up after a few moments to think about the fact he had no-one else to talk to about the matter and, as if nothing had happened, began asking the same questions as before;

“... Ok, what if I wore red. Would that match master Zed too much, or?”

Rhaast’s single eye was so fed up in appearance that it was almost laughable.

**_What do I have to say to end this conversation?_ **

“Tell me what I’d look good in.”

**_... Am I supposed to be a magic mirror now?_ **

The two narrowed their eyes (and eye!) at each other. When Rhaast spoke next his voice was all pitched and silly and drawled out, clearly mimicking the other as he sang out,

**_My name’s Kayn and I have to look pretty for the master! Pathetic._ **

“I already look pretty! I want to look MORE pretty!”

Now, there was no way on Runeterra that Rhaast was going to win the conversation and he knew that quite well. In the battle of their wills Kayn always won, hence why he was still a sentient weapon and the man was still alive. Shieda had this terrifying ability to argue something until the sun came down and rose again, and if he thought he was right he would simply not let something slide until the other person gave _in._ The only creature alive that was safe from his arrogant berating and nagging opinions was Zed himself, who he tested every now and then but never worked himself into the same level of sheer audacity that he did with everyone else… and Rhaast was usually the brunt of his snapping and snarking and ramblings. If the Darkin wanted any kind of peace while active and _not_ fighting, he would have to play the humans stupid little games or suffer the silence of simply going unused.

**_You wish for me to entertain you? Fine. I do not think it matters what you wear, for your master will not look at you in that way no matter how hard you try._ **

Shieda paused, frozen in time. Now, _that_ got to him.

**_Aww… does the truth make you feel bad, little boy?_ **

Their connection became feverish with rage.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about; how could _something_ like _you_ possibly understand?!”

**_Ha! I do not have to justify anything to you. We both know I’m right--_ **

Rhaast’s ability to talk was severed immediately by the other simply putting him upon his back within his holster, a move that saw the scythe immediately close its red eye to rest in a barely conscious state. It had hurt, yes. It had hurt because the truth in the others mind was so muddied by inexperience in the matter and confusion as to his care-takers social cues that he had forgotten a long time ago to resist the act of…

“It doesn’t matter what you think or say,” The scythe wielder growled through clenched teeth, turning to resume his time upon the perch, “... Because you don't understand love at all."

* * *

And of course, the client didn’t show.

It didn’t seem the phase Zed, who was sat opposite Kayn with his usual blank expression and his fingers threaded. People got scared. They got scared to break the law and they got frightened about the prospect of perhaps being hurt; meeting some thug who knew how to stab a man was one thing, but meeting up with one of Ionia’s most successful killers was another. That sheer menacing pressure that the Shadow order carried upon it was both a blessing and a curse. This naturally left the two stranded in some high-end restaurant. It was a beautiful restaurant, yes, but they were not ‘high-end’ people.

Situated against a cliff overlooking a glimmering lake, the open-air diner was adorned in red and gold fabrics that stirred gently in the wind against the light of a hundred small fires lit. Spacious, gilded in fine elements and bustling with people, there was not a single spot free and thus people were waiting afar in the dark for a chance to even sit at a table within it. Said tables were rustic wood with zig-zagging patterns burned into the surface, flowers sprouting occasionally from the edges with pink and red petals that were bathed in candlelight. Beneath the shimmering swath of stars ahead and with peaceful noblewomen and men chatting in their own private circles the din was soft enough to make Kayn painfully aware of what sort of atmosphere this place had.

… It was… romantic.

This in itself made his heart quicken as he tried his best to keep his eyes off of his master, whose red eyes caught the candle-light ever so gently. Dressed in black and red, the tunic that hung loosely from his shoulders was simple but elegant in its large stripes, showing off the cut of his throat and the tattoo’d skin upon it. It was far _less_ then what the leader usually wore… which was in stark contrast to his student, who was buttoned up to the neck in black and gold, muscles tight against the soft fabric that encompassed him down to his wrists. Only one was a fan of jewelry, but that didn’t stop them both from wearing rings and bracelets of silver and gold; Shieda had one earring, Zed had a loose, almost collar-style necklace of semi-braided black material with a dash of tan. Side by side, both of them caught the eyes of females and males alike as they had walked in with their dashing attire, but the glitz and glamor wasn’t quite their ‘style’ in their mind’s eye. Both preferred functionality and simplicity.

But it was so rare that he ever saw his master dressed up so, and that… that made him somewhat irresistible. Zed seemed at home wearing _anything_ and gave no impression that he was uncomfortable (even if he was), whereas the half-lidded Kayn was riddled with the usual anxiety about whether he looked good _enough._ Should he have let his hair loose? Worn something less bright in its accents; perhaps all black? Damn it, he should have worn red so that he could match his--

“You are fretting.”

The master’s voice cut through the silence, his dark eyes upon his student.

“No, master- I am weary.”

“Hmm.”

His lie hadn’t been believed, no matter how easily one could fret in such a place. Out of ear-shots were deals worth more money than they had ever seen, and secrets being told that never filtered down to the lower classes. Shieda fretted his hands together, took an inhale, and tried to exhale all the nervousness that was bubbling up within him. It was going to be ok. He just had to avoid looking at the other or thinking about just how lovely he looked, how his eyes made the room fade away into nothingness leaving just the two of them in a softly lit space…

_I don’t know how I am going to survive this._

Eventually a waiter graced them with her presence, without a pad of paper, expected to remember any order off of the top of her head. She began listing dishes that neither of them ate, these fancy affairs that came on smallish plates and were usually composed of tons of different meat painstakingly stitched together by root vegetables and herbs. Their diet was composed of simple rice and chunks of meat interspaced with noodles every now and then, and neither really understood what half of the terms for these highly sought after dishes were. While Zed looked quizzical in his silence, happy to leave the woman standing there awkwardly, Shieda said snappily;

"Bring us anything that isn't going to cost us everything we own." The growl at the edge of his tone was unnecessary… but it was simply how he was. "Now, run along."

With a quiet squeak she disappeared, leaving Kayn toothy as his annoyed gaze followed her. Of course this _immediately_ changed once he caught Zed's stare (one that told him to behave), all negative emotion melting away from his face in an instant.

"I was ordering…" Zed's little remark was said with a sigh, but they both knew the truth (and that it was in fact a sort of joke they shared). He wasn't. Zed rarely ordered anything for himself anywhere and if Kayn didn't do it for him he simply wouldn't eat. This was not a matter of shyness… the master simply only ate when he was hungry; numbingly hungry.

"Master, I will not allow myself to be the only one eating this time." Shieda was the opposite and always acted like a starved dog begging for anything to eat at all hours.

"You know I am not one… for this." The tilting of the older males head to indicate everything around them. “What if we are poisoned by our enemies?"

"Guess I'll have to taste test everything." Kayn donned a handsome smirk.

"No you will not, because you will eat everything."

"A marvelous plan if I do say so myself!"

Zed was smiling at him in the small way he does, gentle and coy, and it made their small conversation turn from absolute ease back into Shieda desperately trying and failing to not become manic upon the spot. That smile, how it always warmed his soul… something so rarely shown to anyone in its genuineness-- and it was all his…! Squirming a little the scythe wielders gaze kept flitting too and from the sedate leader, who was watching the stars turn with intense interest.

_I may be wrong, but this feels like the right moment to talk..._

How could he bring up his feelings…?

Feelings that he had been choking in all this time, feelings that never failed to make his face glow red and his heart feel heavy? How does one express love to another? It- it was love, right? It couldn't be anything else, surely! Lovers in books always wanted to die for the other, and he very much wanted to die for Zed. It would be beyond a privilege and an honor to do as such, even better if it was the master killing him himself! No greater fate awaited him in the magnificent world than to be tied by soul and blood to the man who had shown him what it was like to have someone really care for you. His name would go down in books all across Ionia.

But... was adamantly wanting to die by another's hand normal…?

Shieda didn't know, but he knew he'd let the other do anything to him. He wanted Zed to be the only one to destroy him, he wanted Zed to be so close to him he couldn't move, he wanted Zed to to praise him and be on his knees for him and live eternal for him and bleed for him and he wanted to do the same in return…! He wanted to die by his grave one day, wanted to sleep in bed with him piled like puppies together, wanted to taste the salt of the others skin. Of course there were darker desires, bed-bound wants that would see him being as subservient as physically possible. Sex was rarely brought up to the forefront of the man’s mind, but... If only the leader would ask him to be his, well, then Kayn would throw down his life for the other in a second! He'd do anything!! Anything at all!!

If he needed to smite every single enemy they had then so be it, he would cross these lands alone and tear them limb from limb from _limb_ until there was nothing left of them all! Noxus would burn and wail and drown in blood, for there would be a coming of evil like they had never seen before.

"... Kayn."

Did he need to destroy a nation for it perhaps? Travel away from the first lands and commit atrocities none have ever seen before?! If he needed to find a way to part the seas and split the mountains then, by the mother below, he would obtain the power to do so. He would become a God amongst men; is that what it would take?!

"Kayn."

To win someone's love, yes, a triumph beyond triumphs, a war of the heart and mind not easily won--but he was a genius and he would calculate his moves accordingly. No more Noxians. No more resistances. No more Order. Just them and them alone, united as one force against--

"Hello-"

"What is it?!"

Shieda suddenly flew to a stand with his hand crashing down upon the table so hard that people stopped to rubber neck on the situation; the waitress was quivering upon the spot, thankful that the two stews she had placed upon the table had not simply gone flying out of her hand. Zed swiftly took hold of the situation;

"Our most sincere apologies," A fake smile; he had tried to warn his apprentice of her approach but had not quite made it through to him. "It has been a long day."

A glance was sent in the younger males direction, one that said ‘sit’, and he obeyed. Shieda’s eyes were elsewhere and his breathing abnormal and they both knew he had worked himself up into a bout of mania, and that was no good in a place like this. If he went haywire, if he burst into a fit of random emotion amongst these ‘finer’ people, it could cause a stain to blacken out their already controversial legacy. Swallowing hard and trying to sheer himself of panic, Kayn sat with his arms planted straight out before him on the table and forced a hollow laugh.

“Yes, apologies… I was deep in thought,” A smile just as fake as Zed’s with the minor cocking of his head in play dumbness, “You startled me.”

“N-No! My apologies, sir!” A deep bow that was only half responded to by the two men, her round eyes wild with fright. “I, I bought you Tayuk stew, is that ok?”

“Acceptable.” A short nod from the master, said as a dismissal. It was heard loud and clear, and after tentatively and slowly pushing their bowls towards them the waitress fled as classily as she could. The patrons returned to their conversations, and for a brief few seconds everything was normal… and yet the air between the two stayed tense.

_...Damn it all._

“What is wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong, master.” Shieda replied, the smile vanishing in an instant, but he could not hide the glimmer in his eyes or the surging of his pulse at his throat. There was nothing more the young male wanted to do but dismiss himself and _leave_ to be alone with his inwards-turned anger, but he couldn’t leave his leader all alone in a precarious position. So instead those fire-lit eyes turned outwards to the scenery and stayed there as he burned within, cursing his own frustration.

_There is something I’m missing, something I do not understand._

But what? If only his mind wasn’t fraying beneath the stress of it all, if only he could think clearly then he could simply fetch the answer-- had he not learnt years ago what affection was? Adoration? The feeling of bliss that captured one's thoughts at the mere sound of them existing nearby…?

_No matter how hard I search I cannot find a remedy for what I feel!_

Was this… love? A myriad of feelings scorching you from within, consuming you until your thoughts were nothing but a string of nonsensical wishes and dreams that you could not halt? As the scythe wielder tried to pick out individual feelings he found himself lost in the whirlpool of emotion and energy, and through it all the voice of Rhaast was echoing in his ears! An unshakeable taunt, but the truth…! He had not cared, it had mattered not what he had chosen to wear that night! Did Zed care at all!? Did that man ever stop to think about what he had _done_? Showed him love in the first place, all-terrifying, unending love that made every glance at him feel like the world no longer mattered!

If he had never learned to love in the first place, would he be a stronger person!?

Oh, to be loveless in this world…! To be completely free of the chains that shackled your heart to another, to go where and do what you want without the fear of _hurting_ another, that, that seemed like truly _living_! But no, this wasn’t Zed’s fault, it was not the man’s fault for being handsome and gentle and ferocious and calming and loyal and charming and everything else _great_. No, _no_ , why had he briefly gotten mad at his master for not caring about what he wore, of _course_ he wouldn’t care because it wasn’t _important_ in the first place!! The meeting was important, the customer had been important, they had flown far from that dazzling place and now it was just the two of them, that was all!! Without no importance to their sitting, was there any reason to fret!?

If Kayn could have flipped the table or kicked his chair to pieces or strangled the closest person near to him he would have!! Prey prey _prey_ , all worthless nobodies that didn’t deserve to be _near_ them, infringing on their--

Shieda gasped as he suddenly felt a hand eclipse his.

“You are going to be all right… just… breathe.”

He was having an episode.

Something that Kayn had never grown out of, even though the side effects had lessened somewhat. It was simply a blur of dizzying thoughts sometimes that crashed down upon the mans skull with enough intensity for it to cave and _break_ and he’d see, no, _feel_ his insides leaking out onto the floor and none would react. They weren’t there. They could not _see_ the horrors he saw sometimes in spaces between the light and didn’t know about how stress constricted his lungs and made every breath shallower and shallower. With a single bead of sweat rolling down his face Kayn shook his head, have his masters hand a tight squeeze, and used the feeling to remember where he was.

A restaurant… it was supposed to be a fancy night of soft conversation after they had been left to themselves.

And now it was _ruined._

Shieda had absolutely messed it all up, hadn’t he!? Useless Kayn, not _again_! Always took good things and shattered them in his grasp-- first he had blamed Zed for _nothing_ and now the mood was completely _wrong_ , it was stifled and hot and the candles were no longer romantic, they were false flames that had lured him into thinking that _talking about his emotions_ was a good idea-- when was it EVER a good idea to do that!? Stupid Kayn, stupid Shieda, master of nothing and strangler of good moods, the man wanted nothing more than to go home and bang his head against a wall until he was unconscious. That is what he deserved, after all.

_I’m panicking, I over-thought it all, and now there is no escaping what is to come._

“M, master,” Kayn tried to pull his hand back and away from the others grasp-- Zed did not let go. “I do not think I can, ha, _stay_ here, I--”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Shieda.” And Zed knew _exactly_ what he had been thinking, as always. This was not uncommon, it was nothing new. Sometimes… his apprentice just had trouble existing. That is why the older male had not let go; it stopped Kayn from fleeing somewhere and continuing out his episode in a private space, a dangerous practise they _both_ had learnt. “It is alright. Just remember to breathe, and then we can eat together. I… wish to know what is truly wrong.”

“I cannot tell you. I think you’d hate me,” The pitch of his voice changed, “And I, I couldn’t stand _that_.”

“There is _nothing_ you could say that would make me hate you, and you _know_ that.”

“You say that, but, but you do not mean it--”

“Are you… second guessing me, Kayn?”

“No, master! I-It’s just… I…”

“You…?”

“I… I think I _love_ you.”

_... What have I done?_

Not a single thing changed on Zed’s face, no widening of the eyes, no sharp intake of breath. Instead, with yet another gentle squeeze of his apprentice's hand, he slowly let those fingers slide from the others grasp… and Kayn let them go. This retraction of touch served to send the apprentice crashing back to Runeterra in the lull of his words, a hazy sort of static building in his ears that the male knew was not physically there. It was serving its purpose to fill the quiet. That same silence between them was almost physically manifested by a sudden breeze that was more forceful than the others, causing the candles to flicker and the light to briefly dim all around them.

The next words spoken made Shieda want to sink into a hole he’d never return from.

“I know, Kayn… I know.”

It was not awkwardly said. For the apprentice all he could see was the look of _sadness_ upon the others face, a look that made his heart almost stop beating entirely; what had he _done_!? In one manic admission the boy had taken their relationship and had torn it to _pieces_ as if it were made but parchment. Those yellow eyes were wide with emotional horror, no, _no_ , could he still reach out and grasp the other as tightly as before, even now?! Could he get up from his seat and beg upon his knees before all these people for mercy, for forgiveness, for anything to make it all _better_...?! Anything, he’d do _anything_ \--

“Does…” Shieda could not find the words within him to speak, dizzy and quivering where he sat. “I… master?”

“Yes, Shieda?”

_Please… please show any emotion on your face, please!!_

“I. I have acted most shamefully, please, _please_ , punish me h-how you see fit.”

_I don’t care, tear me to pieces if that is what you want!!_

Now _that_ caused that stone-like expression to shift. Zed shook his head softly, those red-hued eyes still _sad_. Kayn didn’t know what he was thinking any more, because those thoughts were strange and erratic and nothing was really making a lot of sense. How… shameful indeed. The younger mans fingers interlocked with each other to stop them from shaking. Would he fight for his position, as was his way of dealing with most things, or would he back down and deal with the consequences of his actions…?

“I would _never_ punish you for your feelings, Kayn. But you… you must understand. I _raised_ you.” The ninja’s voice was just above a whisper, “You… were just a boy. You are still _my_ boy… how could I ever think of you as anything else--”

No, Shieda _fought_ , as he always did. So much for acting shameful.

“Why does it matter?! You are not so old and I am not young anymore; I do not care what others would think!”

_They do not matter, only **we** matter!!_

“You are not understanding my words, Shieda. This is not about outward appearances. I could never bring myself to feel _that_ way about you--”

“But you _could_ , if you’d just accept my--”

_Please, **please** , just give me one chance--_

“ _Kayn._ ”

Authority had arisen in the master’s voice, fed up of being cut off over and over again by his now rambunctious pupil, who was absolutely adamant to say or do whatever it took to make things ‘right’. It didn’t matter to Kayn that they were in public any more, all that mattered was the hole he had in his chest and how it was widening with every single word that left his elders mouth… but the situation had lost its former gentleness. Zed’s mouth had straightened into a stern line, his brows furrowed downwards. All at once Shieda felt like no more than a _child_ once more under the stern glare of his…

… Father.

“ _Listen_ to me. I do not deny your love, I would never deny _any_ part of you.” The leader’s voice was strong, his words resolute. “But I wish to reiterate again… I _raised_ you. I taught you how to swim and how to spar, I clothed you and read to you. I remember when you were no higher than my waist, and I made you hold onto a rope at my middle because you wandered off often.”

These memories were fond… for both of them, and as Kayn faltered under the strange emotion of the others voice he felt shame welling up faster and faster within him.

_... Father…_

“We played ball until you got angry and you almost set the monastery on fire with your attempts to cook. I was with you through every nightmare, and anytime you wore yourself out whilst training I was the one who took you back to bed. I watched you grow taller than me, Shieda, and my feelings _never_ changed because _I_ took you in. _I_ adopted you. You are my _son_ , and nothing would _ever_ change that. So what would you ask of a man faced with his child’s admission of _non-parental love?_ ”

_... I’m so sorry for who I am._

“... I… I would ask for _mercy._ ”

The ninjas facade had cracked, for never did Zed say so much in a single sentence unless he was lecturing… or unless he was passionate. And that passion could be heard at the edges of his voice, all of that _dedication_ he had put into raising a child like… _him._ A child of a different race riddled with complex problems that the master never asked for, but _took_ in his stride without complaint. When the boy was going to die, when he _felt_ like dying, his reason to live had always been at his side to help no matter what was on his own mind. Zed was… selfless. Altruistic. Any that said he lacked a heart did not know what transpired at home.

_Am I… the selfish one?_

For wanting that same man to himself, for getting defensive even if another spoke to him, for wanting that very same being to _kill_ him regardless of the pain that it would inflict upon him? _Yes_ , Kayn was selfish. That was his _thing._

But… _why?_

Why did he have to be so _dangerous_? Unhinged? Screwed up? Why did others make falling in love so easy, as if each kind of love was a single thread that they wound around their fingers… and why were his threads so messed _up_? Why did he mix up all kinds of love into a cryptic jumble of emotions that not even he could decipher…? Shieda had often wondered if at his core he was simply ‘evil’ and there was nothing that would ever drag him into the realm of being anything but, but that was just another lie he had told himself. He had taken his _fathers_ love for granted and greedily demanded more, _more_ of his life so that he could _own_ him and everything he encompassed, and there had not been a single thought spared for either Zed’s _feelings_ or anyone else’s, for that matter.

_I didn’t think about how you feel… and how much it hurts you._

And it _hurt._ Hurt was riddled all over the white-haired males face, from the downturning of his eyes to the table to the tension in his fists… and while Kayn could not identify _why_ this was hurting the other every instinct in his mind and body were telling him to run away and never return. He did not _deserve_ someone like the master in his life. There were thousands of children every year upon the streets of Noxus and even Ionia, orphans of war and depravity, and instead of them _he_ had been the one picked up from the mud to live a life others could only dream of-- and what does it amount to?

A want to _murder?_ A want to _die?_

No… _enough_.

“I’m leaving.”

“Shieda--”

Kayn stood gracefully with hauntingly hollow eyes, tapped a hand upon the table and turned so that his back was to the other. The audacity… to blame his master for teaching him love. To want for a life where he was not this man’s son so that they could be together in another way. How cruel. How heartless. To be raised by one so open minded and as talented as the leader of the Shadow order… and to take it in his stride as if it was his _birth-right._ He was Shieda, the boy taken from the dirt, given a name and raised as this mans own.

And he was Kayn, some bastard from the streets of Noxus, who tainted everything he touched.

In an instant his form burst into shadow, and in the space where the younger man stood there was nothing but threads of smoke disappearing into the wind as he completely disappeared from the scene. A few people stared in wonder, a few pretended to ignore that a member of such a murderous order was _here_ of all places, but Zed… Zed had reached out with a gentle touch with hope in his heart that he could calm the storm of Shieda’s heart… and had failed in reaching him. Standing alone with rounded eyes in the middle of the restaurant, the ninja looked around desperately for someone who was no longer there.

Sliding down a nearby slope Kayn knew he had the upper hand, for while his master could jump from shadow to shadow he walked _through_ the terrain as if it wasn’t even there. Such speed could not be compared to, and while his energy was low the aching of his body was nothing compared to the horror within. Coming to a stop beside a quite ordinary looking tree, Shieda began to dig with his fingers until he pulled Rhaast from the earth like some buried treasure, having left him there to adhere to the no-weapons policy of the meeting place.

_**Buried again…? I am no bone, Kayn, though you might be a dog.** _

The lack of response and the immediate lapse into a sprint caused the Darkin to become suspicious, his curiosity peeking.

_**... I do not understand your thoughts. What is it you intend to do?** _

"If I cannot understand, if I cannot learn and if I cannot become a better person and resolve this conflict in my heart, then this will be the end."

_**The end…? Of you, or of me?** _

"Of us both… If I do not find intervention I will sink us to the depths of the sea, and we will both lose."

Rhaast emitted surprise, a strange emotion for one such as he to give off.

_**You’re not thinking straight-- stop running you idiot!!**_

"I know I’m not… and that is why we will continue on."


	11. Whats love is love II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD FEELS TIMEEEEEEEE YE BOIII  
> god this chapter is so long i blame shen for being wordy  
> shen is super smart and highly perceptive to feelings. which is why hes sort of the perfect foil for the emotional, sometimes easily confused zed.  
> (yeah i ship them if that wasn't VERY obvious from the prior chapters :P)  
> their relationship (in my HC) is far too complicated to put in this story,  
> but its pretty easy to see they both miss each other a lot.
> 
> shout out to shen for bringing the true dadly vibes!  
> shout out to zed for being so freely emotional!  
> shout out to kayn for learning a important lesson!  
> shout out to akali for FRIGHTENING HER FATHER AND THEN LUNGING AT HIM  
> ps; every time he cut kayn off i was laughing thinking about kayns expression being 'D:>'

Ionia was peaceful.

As the gentle wind broke through the trees, Shen observed the way the stars in the sky seemed extra bright today, as if they were trying with all their might to make the ground sparkle with their thousands of twinkling lights. With this curtain of shimmering came starfall, leaving gentle streaks across the black and blue cosmos… a falling star, the world wishing him luck, or a sign of power lost? As he leant against the tree of his temporary and solitary camp, the ninja noted with his sky blue eyes that the arc of their descent was particularly steep. Perhaps somewhere the scales had tipped, and had shorn that blazing light from its pedestal. Curious and curiouser.

Said camp was but a tent in a dark clearing with nothing but a bed and a few scrolls within, detailing the route of his hunt through the southern part of the country as he listlessly chased a spirit beast across the terrain. It had been three days since the large, pig-like creature had leapt from its magical realm and into the mortal one, tampering with the moaning trees as its tusks unheaved them as if they weighed nothing. It’s trail was a sickening red, its eyes redder still, and where hooves should have been were bizarre paws that were tipped in ever-ready claws that bit at the earth in the same manner as an urslings. A strange creature from a strange world, rending its way through a land that did not belong to it, sliding back and forth between the fabrics of space itself. Yes, Shen would kill it with his blades, for the next time it burst into the mortal world he would be awaiting it with steel and magicks blessed to him by his lineage.

But it was not the beast that disturbed his night. Though there was a jarring of magical energy he knew it not as the kind that wholly came from the realm beneath theirs, but rather, a strange siphoning of energy that he could instantly recognize… he had come to know it so well, after all. No visible movement, however. As his head turned to observe the threads of blue that coiled like mist about the trees, his voice came evenly and without must expression;

“... Shieda Kayn… a most unexpected visitor.”

Now, this was a surprise indeed.

It seemed that the aforementioned man had heard him, for about a half second after the older ninja had spoke Zed’s apprentice materialized out of shadow with his scythe held against him-- a defensive stance, not an offensive one. The Kinkou leader lowered that strange glowing gaze of his to observe that while the man was topless, he seemed to be wearing smarter pants and shoes… jewelry, too. It was most unlike someone as practical as he to be dressed as such… it could not simply be another oddity for a rather odd night?

There was so little of the scythe wielder that Shen knew; there had been times where Usan had tried to accost him for the sake of conversation, but their talks were brief, business-like and poisoned by under-laying emotions these days. Ever since the second capture of Jhin he had been stumbling across Zed more frequently, but when he did so the attentive pupil was never at his side. Like a shadow of his own master Kayn was merely rolling smoke on a battlefield, a being that had so much darkness within that Shen saw his body burn brightly whenever he took a glimpse from the other realms point of view. He only mostly heard of the mythical creature known as Kayn, and when he saw him it was scarcely a glance. A mystery.

But not _completely._

The Kinkou’s leader remembered years and years ago, when he had been content to charge Zed at the sight of him with his weapons drawn and his eyes burning light into the air itself; a time where his duties as the eye of Twilight had been so _difficult_ for him to gain a complete grasp on. Back then his mind had broken into an aggressive and depressing haze that saw him struggle like a fish against a net to try and stop his emotions from bursting forth. His father was dead. Zed had betrayed him. War had broken out, and he had a little girl known as Akali to shelter, for one his family's main monasteries overtaken. This stress and the responsibility placed upon his shoulders had turned him into a man of two halves… the one that wished to abandon his duties so that he could _feel_ again, and the man he was forever destined to become.

And there was dealing with people, and then dealing with _Zed._

It was so much easier to be what he should be when he wasn’t in front of the man he had fallen in love with. Every time he saw Usan’s face it reminded him of happier times, peaceful times, times where they could simply sit together beneath the stars and chat about a hopeful future… how long ago that was. Shen had found a way of channeling his anger (and not erasing it) at the death of his father in such a potent manner that he was determined to try and _forget_ the past and forge his own future, but the situation was simply not black and white. If Zed hated him, if Zed loathed him, if Zed wanted him _dead_ it would have been a thousand times easier to _catch_ \-- not _kill_ \-- him so that he could perhaps change his ways…

… But every time they met, Usan’s eyes were so… _soft._

One day in the distant, _distant_ past, the crossing of their paths had come down to an investigation in a small seaside town-- and almost instantaneously they had engaged, one chasing, the other fleeing. Zed never wished to take up his blades against him, and the Kinkou ninja bitterly took that in his stride as he closed the gap between them... there was no real ‘spirit’ in the encounter, for they were barely trying to outrun / escape one another. It took but a single slip into the spirit realm for the larger ninja to come crashing down upon the branch Zed had been running on, snapping it clean in too with the force of his landing-- it left them both free-falling briefly, but without surprise the smaller ninja was suddenly _shoved_. Shen knew Usan had deliberately lowered his defenses so that he could get close enough to talk, and there, blade-locked and with his back hard against the tree, that man had spoken words that shook his heart--

_“Shen-- please, I just wanted to talk-- I have a child!”_

It took a few moments of the two gazing into each other’s eyes to realize that the Shadow order’s leader was not lying, and in an instant Shen hopped backwards with his expression almost… _alarmed._ What in Runeterra did he mean by that…? Sure enough, the eye of Twilight had an innate soft spot for children after having so many in his care and wanted an explanation far more than he wanted to catch the other. Those swords stayed in hand, but his retreat saw him well outside of the striking distance, and this allowed the snowy-haired leader to breathe slightly as his body became slack. In that moment they began conversing… almost as if the past had melted away into nothingness.

 _“Whose child is it, Usan’s? Yours?”_ Shen’s voice was a pitch higher than usual, showing a thread of actual emotion that he struggled to contain within him.

_“No. A Noxian abandoned… I could not leave him there.”_

And _that_ had rattled him. The idea of his now… _’enemy’_ in the possession of a child?! What a stupid notion, why, Usan knew _nothing_ of children! Lips down turning into a sharp frown, the Kinkou leader could not deny that his voice had become… softer now. No, he did not want to show any inkling of emotion but… but. His body had betrayed him once more.

His father would have been beyond displeased.

 _“You… would take in your enemy as your own?”_ Those blue eyes watched as Zed’s suddenly became incredibly hard and fiery, a retort upon his lips-- but before he spoke Shen had shaken his head gently. _“... I commend you highly for your actions… you have not forgotten the softer part of your heart, Usan.”_

The threat of the fight disappeared instantly-- the remark had brought forth deep-rooted emotions that the both had been denying for too long, always seeming to spring up in the strangest of moments. Those words had struck a chord with them both.

 _“I suppose I have not.”_ Zed had lowered his claws, and Shen his swords. _“But the child is sick; Noxus has mauled his mind._ ”

 _“... Such matters cannot be tamed with steel and savagery…”_ A murmur, brows furrowed. _“Equilibrium of the mind is something that can be brought forth with words; though if you are talking to me about it, I am guessing you do not know how to proceed._ ”

A pause. Shen was too wise for his own good.

“ _I… worry. I worry that I cannot raise him well, Shen._ ” There was a neediness that made the ninja’s heart pang, _“I find myself… unfamiliar with some of his problems.”_

If he could have, Shen would have reached out in that moment with an outspread hand to usher the other into his arms for an embrace; but that could simply not be so. He _had_ to remember his father’s death-- no, he _needn’t_ seek vengeance, for he _had_ to stay impartial-- but what about all they went through **together**!? Did none of that matter now, was he to be nothing but a expressionless statue for the sake of traditions--

By the mother below, there was _no-one_ that tore the eye of Twilight more in half then Zed.

Shen reminded himself in that moment that, despite sometimes becoming a little toothy with his former heart-light, his way was that of the impartial; an informant, a watcher, a provider of balance. There would be no more chasing, and he would do the job that was his birthright. As long as Usan stayed at a lengths away with that sad face of his, the other could not _believe_ how easily his heart-strings were tugged at as if nothing was wrong, as if this wasn’t the murderer of his father. They had sat that day, a few fair feet apart, to talk long and hard about the raising of a child in those turbulent times of Noxus’s first invasion.

It was his duty to bring balance.

Could this child… bring balance to Zed?

He who had cleaved through so _many_ Noxian’s was rearing one as his own…! What cruel irony, a twist of fate that none saw coming! Perhaps this child would bring the other insight, show him that people were _people_ and that Ionia did not need to spring into every conflict, not when the mother-land would see fate through in ways that they simply couldn’t understand. The world had too many horrors to make more enemies… and Zed knew that most of all. That night, when Usan had fled into the darkness, Shen had to barely suppress a weak smile that threatened to break his bleak facade. There was still… so much _love_ left in Zed.

And here was the product of that love.

“Master Shen,” Shieda spoke breathlessly, dipping his head in respect. His enemy, yes… but so much more than that, too. “Pay me no mind; I was not visiting, I was simply passing through.”

He would not blame the son’s actions on the sins of his father. Though Kayn was as disruptive as he was and though this man aided in the struggle against Noxus in the way of blood, the larger ninja lacked any kind of aggression towards this wayward soul. Of course the air was stifling with tension, but the Kinkou’s master knew the situation was brittle because Kayn was worried he’d attack first, and that would need to be settled immediately.

“How strange.” Gently sighed, “You were not chasing falling stars, were you, Shieda?”

Shen watched as Kayn’s face screwed up a little, as if the male didn’t understand what he was talking about. In a show of good faith he tipped his head to the sky, his exposed neck a signal to the assassin that he had no wish to fight and that they could co-exist, if only for a moment, in the same space.

“… I was not, master.” Those yellow eyes flickered up to the night sky and back down to the master a few times in what could only be described as ‘paranoia’.

“There is something wrong, however, that has you standing before me and not your true master.”

Kayn never knew how these people could tell there was something specifically ‘wrong’ with him, but the scythe wielder never also considered what he looked like from the outside. Shen saw dirt across his chest, the fraying of his hair, the unevenness of his breath and paired it with that defensive stance… and it painted a picture. An attack…? No, there were no signs of a struggle upon him, but the left arm of the Shadow order had been _running_ from something no doubt. This far south with no Noxian affairs reported, half nicely dressed, half looking like he had spotted a ghost, and with the strange red glow of that weapons eye highlighting the shadows he wore so heavily upon his face-- and to complete said picture there was no Zed in sight. Kayn remained as respectful as ever, even though they sat on opposite sides of Ionia’s values.

“No, master. Nothing is wrong. Please allow me to pass through peacefully.” That clipped tone, that aversion of his gaze, the eye of Twilight knew his subservient behavior was even lower than it usually was when dealing with the infamous Shieda Kayn.

_As stubborn as his father, always thinking that being alone with your thoughts will fix everything._

Instead of letting him go, Shen wielded his authority as gently as he did with Akali. This was no obstacle, the boar had not shown his face, and balance _would_ come by his blades in time… but tonight would not be that time. Until his focus could shift back onto the spirit-realm he would use the star-light wisely… to talk to Usan’s son.

“Sit, please.”

A point to the shaggy mat that the ninja sat upon for meditation, a space that was probably not a great deal more comforting than the floor, but at _least_ it was beaten of dust and dirt daily. At first Kayn did not look like he was going to obey, but ever a surprise, the assassin slowly slunk over to the space… and did as he was told. If he had not thrown a good measure of his emotion to the way-side years ago his eyebrow would have cocked in surprise. Kayn had every reason to fear him, but it must have been desperation that caused him to obey. A want to be told what to do; something he was used to.

“Hm… a random meeting, or perhaps your heart sought out someone to talk to?” The words fell from his mouth so casually that Kayn immediately stiffened with his lemon-hued eyes flat and startled-- was it the softness? Was it the ease in which it was spoken? Kayn didn’t quite understand how Shen could say something like that without having it _pried_ from him or without some kind of innate awkwardness.

_You have trained him well, Usan… but he is very much like you._

“I was just running, master Shen. I assure you, I do not know what you mean--”

“That is not an accusation, but an observation. When you saw me from afar you could have snuck away in the opposite direction and yet, here you are. Make no mistake that I say this not out of anger; I am simply wondering what it is... that you are looking for.”

The large male came to a cross-legged sit opposite Shieda, purposefully putting himself within striking range, and like a well trained assassin Kayn automatically flinched as he began to evaluate the situation. How long would it take for the Eye of Twilight to reach across and rend him in two with his human-blade, the spirit blade burning beside it? Would he try to burn the shadows from him, as he had once proposed with Zed…? No… no, though the Kinkou leaders startlingly piercing gaze stayed settled upon the young scythe wielder he made no moves, hands resting upon his knees. It would take a few moments for Shieda to compose himself, unnerved and uncomfortable. As usual, Shen forgot about his size and strength and how terrifying it could be when half lit in the darkness, for his focus was upon other things.

_He does not know how to talk about his feelings._

“I… I don’t know what I’m looking for, master Shen. I apologize; but I do not think you could remedy the situation I am in--”

“Really now?” The master had no problems with cutting the other off, now half-lidded in appearance. “How do you know _I_ cannot, when _you_ do not even know what you seek?”

And so Shieda only became awkwarder still.

Talking to Shen was hard. Akali sometimes had the same problem, for he talked in riddles and truth and always seemed to have an answer for _everything_ , and not because he was quietly boasting about his intelligence, he was simply a being that had seen too much to become complacent with ‘wrongs’. Wrongs of the soul, of the mind and of the body, if something needed to be corrected he _would_ correct it to the best of his ability. Young Akali had gotten fed up a while ago by his natural ability to cleave someone’s internal perception of themselves in two, his horrible intuitiveness too strong to handle for those who had no such problems-- Akali had different and easier mental needs (for he had partially raised her) that it was simply an annoyance to the woman. For Kayn however it was almost as if Shen had a window to his soul he was staring into… and the normally chatty male had fallen _silent_ because of it. Shen was bemused, even if it didn’t show on his face as his stare burned holes through the other--

“... You remind me so much of him,” Quietly, “... You really are his son.”

That seemed to prompt a reaction, Shieda immediately seeming to shrink upon the spot as if he had been scolded.

“I… take that as a compliment, Master Shen.”

“It is no compliment.”

“--Hn.”

Ha! The eye of Twilight watched as Kayn became tense and the breath caught in his throat as if he wished desperately to bark anger at him, but that simply was against what he had been taught. Sparing the poor, frazzled man a fragment of hope that this conversation would not collapse into berating, Shen touched his chin gently with a finger as he donned a ‘thinking’ pose. The past was not so hazy in his mind… and nor were the memories that came with them. He would have to tread carefully as not to drag any emotions from the depths where he kept them.

“I remember there was a time long ago when your father was desperately searching for things for you to eat; I ran across him in a market place. We are under oath not to engage in public spaces and thus he manipulated that to his advantage, drew himself near and said to no-one in particular, _‘Kayn won’t eat fish.’_ He knew I would not ignore him.”

“... But I love fish.” Kayn said in bafflement, and the tipping of his head to the side was so endearing that Shen very much wanted to smile, for Akali did the same thing when she was angrily lost about something. But he couldn’t. And so he didn’t.

“Now you do, but back then you were small and frail and we did not know how someone so skinny would actually _refuse_ food given to you. Your father was fretting, and I was too angry at him for what he had done that I simply told him to stop blackening it over a fire. He never told me if it worked…” A light huff, “... But I suppose it did.”

Shieda looked somewhat enthralled at the idea that his master could _fret_ over something like that… the man was leaning forward with a gentle look of curiosity about him, his strange yellow eyes seemingly hungry to know more.

“Master was… fretting? I would never accuse you of lying, master Shen, and I believe you with all that I am, but thinking about master Zed acting like that over fish…”

“There is a lot you do not know about your master, Kayn.”

_And I feel like that is for the best._

Possibly too much to divulge. He oft wondered what Usan told Kayn about him, for it seemed that they certainly did at least loosely cover the topic of their prior relationship in private. Did this poor child know who his father really was? The man that cried over seeing a fox maul a rabbit once? The man that got into a fist fight with him over who ‘deserved’ to get more bread than the other? The same man that was ever so eager to hold his hand for the first time… ah! _That_ was it! It all suddenly clicked in Shen’s mind that it seemed most logical that the two had had an altercation, a falling out, a verbal spat-- hence one being without the other, hence the almost quizzical nervousness that Kayn held in those eyes for something _beyond_ just him. Shieda didn’t _seem_ angry at Zed, so there was nothing that made him think the two had fought really, but perhaps something had been said that had caused Kayn to flee…? Had Usan yelled at him? If he picked his words carefully--

“If… I sit with you, would… you tell me?” The scythe wielder seemed hopeful-- but there was a soft shaking of the older males head.

“I cannot, for it is not my place and I do not seek to unbalance your relationship with him.”

“It’s already unbalanced,” A slight mumble, “So it cannot get any worse.”

There. If you were going to have a situation and information manipulated out of you by anyone, perhaps the leader of the Kinkou was possibly the best person to have a loose tongue with. He did not seek to damage or harm, but without said information how could you begin to bring balance back to broken hearts? Indeed, the scales were always tipping too and fro in a precarious dance, but that could be stopped by taking whatever was in excess (in this case, sadness) and simply turning it into its opposite. Happiness. Joy. He would no longer play games, and to decide if Shieda really wanted his help or not Shen became frank;

“Well… I think I could help you-- but you would have to tell me what happened, first.”

“... I…”

Could Kayn _really_ tell the former love of Zed’s life that he himself had admitted love towards him too!? A soft gritting of the teeth and the crinkling of his nose in frustration, for he had sought out intervention and the celestial's had listened, but it was still so _hard_ to talk about.

“You… said something to him; it caused you to run.” The eye of Twilight spoke critically, and that was all it really took.

“I… yes. I told him… I loved him.”

“... Not as a father, I suspect.”

“No.”

This was not something he did not predict. It was not the fault of Kayn for being initially raised with such cruelty, and it likewise was not the fault of Zed, who he knew to be a very private yet gentle, emotionally driven man. There was no doubt in Shen’s mind that the emotional turbulence of that past combined with the emotional turbulence of his own carer was perhaps the reason for this admission, but there was something else, wasn’t there? Something darker, a remnant from Noxus itself, that had worsened the situation. The large male took a deep breath in with his eyes slipping shut, hands folded upon his knees… there had been some surge of emotional retaliation within him and that mask he had so carefully falsified was beginning to crack. Those blue eyes were no longer sharp and focused, but soft and _warm_ , and that could not be _so._ That was not the way fate would have him go, but by the stars above!

_Zed… will you ever stop tearing me asunder?_

“I want to tell you something, Kayn.” It was his turn to lean forwards a little, a move that surprised the other simply because it was ‘expressive’. “Perhaps… a strange metaphor coming from me… but if you would listen, I would speak.”

_And now you have passed your ways onto your son…!_

“... I would listen, master Shen.” Kayn was very complacent, unlike Akali who would simply leave him in the middle of a tale to do anything else. Good. He did not seek to lecture one who was closed minded about the ways of balance… this time.

“Very well. It was something I talked to your father about, once, too.” He tried to keep fondness out of his voice, but alas. “I find that people oft compare themselves to great things such as mountains and rivers, but seldom give any thought to the weeds.”

Shen moved his hand to gently touch a bloomed dandelion in its cluster, completely unkempt and wild as the student looked onwards in obvious confusion.

“I am… a weed, master Shen?” There was some slight indignation there, as if some minor offense had been caused, but the older ninja simply gave him a nod in return.

“Yes, you too are a dandelion.” There was assurance in Shen’s tone. “When trees are born they spend eons growing, curling up towards the sun within a time-span that far eclipses human lives… the mountains are eternal, and the rivers just as ancient. Mankind is no cosmic feat of nature, Kayn. We are weeds, resilient, short lived, sprouting up about the world in clusters or in crippling isolation. The dandelion gets trod upon, kicked and forgotten. It gets drowned in storm water, burned alive by the summer sun and buried under the winter snow, and yet, you see it here… it is still alive for as long as its short life allows it. It is strong.”

The fronds of the flowers leaves poked through the large space between his fingers as he hovered above it tentatively.

“... And yet, I could pull it from the earth itself and end its life right now. This is the same for all of us, too.”

Shen pulled his fingers back to lock against each other gently, his crystalline gaze as azure as the daytime sky as the man looked back to the young student before him.

“You see, in life we too will be stamped upon, kicked down and left alone. We may almost drown or be burned to ash in the shadow of those mountains and besides the banks of those rivers, because we are all mortal things simply struggling to survive. It is simply a matter of circumstance; where a dandelion sprouts, where a child is born… neither can _choose_ where they begin. But if you believe this ideology, that we are quite alike to the weeds, then there is also something you must accept. Do you believe what I say to be true, Shieda?”

Kayn nodded feverishly.

“Then you must believe, firstly, that you had no hand in where you were born and thus had no part in what happened to you in Noxus, yes?”

“... I suppose so, master.”

“You are here to continue on growing, no matter how many times you are trod against the earth or rained down upon, yes?”

“Yes, master.”

“Then in this moment, as weeds living among this world together, I wish for you to say what troubles you the most; do not _think_. Let your emotions guide you.”

There was little to no hesitation. This coaxing had rolled over Kayn like a snowball and was continuing to grow and grow, and with each word that the leader spoke Shieda was more and more drawn in. This was only helped along by the fact that he had never felt so _confident_ in talking about his emotions before, but before Shen it all seemed so easy-- that calmness the other exuded was taken in and used to spur on his own emotions. Now, _without_ thinking, that man let go of his nervousness and guilt and spoke freely following the momentum of the conversation;

“I… I sometimes feel… like perhaps I do not belong in this world.” He was somewhat breathless again, his eyes avoiding the other as they slid off to gaze into the far distance. “I believe that I hurt him, simply by being alive. Like I am wrong in my existence and that I am inherently cruel and terrible… and I fear greatly that I will _never_ change.”

“... You are **wrong.** ” Kayn snapped to attention simply by the depth and forcefulness of Shen’s voice. This was not to _invalidate_ what the other felt but rather to assure him that those feelings were baseless! “If you were to consider the dandelion for one moment more… do you think it wonders whether its survival is right or wrong? Whether it is justified in simply… _existing?_ Does it _hurt_ anything simply by ‘being’...? Is it cruel or terrible for wanting to _be?_ ”

“I…”

It took a few moments but realization dawned upon the young man’s face ever so slowly. Shen was… right. These feelings of his were ‘wrong’, and a part of him knew that, a part that had been drowned out by the more erratic thoughts that screamed within his mind. How could he have ever thought that Zed’s world would be better without him? After all they had been through and everything they had done together, how could he be so wrong as to desire _death_ over simply… being? Existing beside his master? _Surviving_ the waves that crashed against their lives like those flowers in the storms…? As the epiphany hit Kayn felt his middle ache with longing, absolutely enamored with Shen’s words. Such was the wisdom and cleverness of the Kinkou’s leader, wordy and resourceful, wise beyond his years.

“I… do not pretend to know what you are going through, Kayn.” Shen would start again, softer now, “... But I know that death would _not_ fix it.”

“... What… what _would?_ ” Came the almost timid reply from across the way; Shieda fought hard to try to hide the cracking of his voice as shame settled upon his shoulders.

“Returning back to the man who loves you more than this world. You have ran from him and his heart will surely be hurting... but it is not too late to fix things.”

Suddenly without warning, Shen had taken the stem of the dandelion and had snapped it right off, killing it with such ease. It’s life would not be in vain, no, this was no assassination… it would continue to live on with another and would give its strength to he who needed it most. Quietly, with his shuffling forward slow yet somehow still quiet for such a large man, the leader of the Kinkou order reached out and ever so gently placed the flower behind the others ear... it’s sun-stained petals in the same remarkable yellow as the others eyes. Yes, that would do nicely. Kayn accepted the strange action with his body entirely rigid, nervous and statuesque until he realized what had transpired. The scythe wielder’s fingertips brushed against it ever so gently, caught somewhat in a haze of emotion as the others voice befell him again.

“It is dying… but let its strength and philosophy surround you.” Gently, evenly. A rough snort permeated the air, its harshness broken by the following quivering of the assassins voice--

“Ah… Master Shen... may I talk freely?”

“You may.”

“You are a very kind-hearted man... no wonder my father still loves you so.”

Oh, if he could just _smirk_ or _laugh_...! The need to chuckle is there but his body now seems to _want_ to keep him blank faced and stoic as he takes a moment to think. That stupid man, far away and content to play cat and mouse in the forest... that idiotic, emotional, often hectic man. He was probably waiting wasn't he, within the front garden or at the others door, worried... sick... ah. Faced with the sudden thought of his-- no, not _his_ any more-- stressed out Usan back at the monastery-- no, he had _over-taken_ that monastery with force, that _murderer_ \-- but did his family need the sheer amount of temples they owned-- he still loved him, yes, why--

_Usan…!_

“My relationship with your father is strained.” Shen concluded after a few beats of silence, thinking it would be best to stray from that point, “... But this is not about us." The last thing Kayn needed to think about was the long and arduous tale of two idiots in love.

"How do you feel?”

“... I feel like I can think clearly.” Kayn admitted with a slight touch of disbelief, “The chaos… has calmed down so much… and I am not quite clear as to how you did it.”

“I gave you something else to think about. No more, no less.”

_Because sometimes… that’s all it takes._

His chin tipped upwards to observe where the stars of the night were fading into the pink of morning, the dawn breaking in oranges and violets as the sun just about kissed the horizon. That crisp air, the rays of light breaking constellations in two and the remnants of the decaying night… it was such a beautiful world. In the moment Shen thought only of how glad he was to be alive in that spot right there and then as the cosmos spun around them ever so gently. Warmed and lively despite having almost no sleep, he spared a glance to Kayn, who was as enamored by the world as he was, having followed the masters gaze. A world where people lived and died and fought, a world where bad things happened that were always offset by _good_ , a world where no rainy day was without a sunny one, no sky with no clouds, no land with no life. A world of balance and harmony… but so much _more_ than that, too. In the peaceful silence, Shieda’s voice came so softly that Shen had almost missed it.

“Thank you, master Shen.” A slow, deep bow from the shadow assassin, “You have given me much to think about--”

“I do not want for your pleasantries.” It was not spoken harshly. “Have you learnt a lesson…?”

Silence befell them both as Shieda pondered more without the gaze of the older ninja upon him, the latter trying to pick out the trail of that star that had fallen from the sky. In the radiant light it had flown to places beyond their reaches, it’s star-dust trail eclipsed by the colors of the morning. It took a few moments, but eventually the words came to the young apprentice, and once they started they did not stop falling.

“I am… a dandelion, and… I must keep on growing and surviving, just like everyone else; because I _am_... like everyone else.” His pause was mottled by subtle confusion upon his face, simple surprise that he was _understanding_ and _talking_ about his emotions so freely! Without embarrassment or shame! “... I am not broken. I am not undeserving of life. I was born into this world alone, beaten and trodden on, but that does not make me a monster. Perhaps other things _do_ , but inherently, at my core I am… simply human.”

_You understand._

“As am I, as is your father.”

“And he’s… waiting for me to come home,” The barest beginnings of tears were threatening to fall from Kayn’s eyes, sparkling at the very edges gently. “... Because despite everything he raised me and loved me the best that he could. I realize now I am no monolith, no mountain, no river. I have… held myself against standards that do not exist. I was so preoccupied with trying to be like everyone else, trying to be ‘normal’, that I made myself confused… but I see clearly now. He is my father, my caretaker, my savior…”

“... And you are his boy. This will never change.” Shen was content to bathe in the happiness that the other radiated at that moment, so _sure_ now, with all timidness gone from his tired body. “... So who are you, Shieda Kayn?”

“I am the son of master Zed, a human, dealing with human things; but... I will prevail as the flowers have before me.”

Shen stood up slowly with a slight stretching of his legs, hands upon his hip and the barest of smiles upon his face as Kayn slowly smiled back; such a strange emotion to see him wear… this man had endured hardships he could never hope to understand, but there was good in that heart of his. It showed in the flickerings of hope in his eyes and the way he almost trembled on the spot with feeling. Shen thought back to Zed, to his worry about raising such a strange child, and almost let a chuckle fall from his lips…

_Usan… I am proud of you._

“Well, Shieda Kayn, son of Zed… show and tell Usan how you feel…” A slight nodding of his head, “... For you are dismissed.”

In a hurricane of movement Kayn had suddenly pivoted and burst forth with young energy renewed from the conversation, eager to get back to the man that was no doubt awaiting him; but before he vanished into the treeline he spun once more again to stare directly at Shen. His mouth was moving but no sound came as he mouthed out ‘ _thank you_ ’ as clearly as he could… before stepping into the darkness and disappearing from the ninja’s line of sight.

The eye of Twilight watched the other go with the passion for life steadily warming him within as he returned to his sit upon the mat, eyes sliding to where the dandelion had been cleaved. It took nothing but two words within the chant for that stem to grow two heads as he touched it, different from the one furled in Shieda’s hair, both unique and glowing with splendor in the rising sun’s light. Balance would be restored, the heaviness of ones emotions would tip the scales against another’s, for such was the way of life.

_May he return home safely._

Shen tipped himself sideways in a dramatic fall to stretch along the fabric, stifling a wide yawn with a hand. An elbow supported that same hand in keeping his head up, eyes fluttering closed. If he was to have the energy to track the spirit beast, there had to be a moment of peace...

_... And no doubt I will see you soon, Zed._

* * *

Zed’s sitting upon the steps had left him a little sun-baked, realized via the slight burning at his throat; had he really fallen asleep there…? A grunt and a few indignant mumbles, glancing around himself in tired agitation-- some acolyte had left him water in a skin that had absolutely dried up in the sun, and another had attempted to stop him from burning by accosting his head with a hat. Though the leader had vehemently denied it, there had been insistence that called for his anger to bubble up to the surface... and that quickly saw them leave.

If he was to wait all day and all night upon those steps for Shieda, so be it.

Waiting in itself was never an issue. This was a man that could fast for long lengths of time without faltering, a man who had little in the way of ‘doing things’ outsides of missions and a man that had the stubbornness of an ox. It was the right thing to do. The honorable thing to do. What would Kayn think if he came home to find his master simply busying himself with mundane tasks? Would he think himself less important than the sweeping or gardening… this was the _only_ thing he could do in order to show that he _cared_! That this wasn’t a matter to simply _ignore_ , because he _did_ give a damn about the others disappearance!

Shieda had been so fast in his vanishing that no matter how long Zed had searched for he knew he’d never catch him, but patience was a good trait to have. He could wait for the sun to die and live again in the sky for his Kayn to return, upon the very same spot he had begun his vigil on. It was only a matter of time before he saw those keen eyes glimmering up at him from the base of the stairs, probably with a ton of submissive behaviors in tow, begging him for forgiveness. Shieda always _begged_ , even when he didn’t need to. He was _always_ forgiven, after all.

All that was ever needed… was patience.

The sun was once again at the horizon, a glaring orange meeting the blackish-blue of the stars usual curtain, ready to fold against the sky for another reprise of the celestials dance in the sky. Zed felt his eyesight blear and his lids grow heavy as he shut them for just a brief moment, if only to stave off the exhaustion that was gnawing away at them-- but. At the sudden flaring of magicks close by those optics flew open, and a gaze of ruby red began skimming the shadows all about him. He knew that feeling, that oppressive stifling that saw gravity baring down upon him, it could _only_ be who he had been waiting for! It was, it was--

“Shieda?” A call out in the darkness, rising to an abrupt stand and a sway, “Shieda, are you there?”

Smoke rolled across the stone like a fire lit as a familiar form burst from the nighttime, breath coming in audible gasps, a sign that his running had not stopped until his feet had carried him all the way back home. The silence between them was minute and easily broken by a headlong dash up the stairs, and Zed expected a bow, a knee taken, a myriad of apologies-- but got something else instead. In that moment the blur of a man had thrown himself at the smaller ninja with arms outspread, both of them tumbling backwards against the steps as contact was made. It hurt… but only for a single moment.

Kayn was hugging him tightly.

And they laid there for moments after, Zed’s eyes wide as his student buried his head against his chest and kept those arms tight around his throat, acknowledging the _lack_ of wetness at his shirt front. No tears. No weakness in the assault, and none of that begging that he hated so much. Slowly but surely he responded, his own arms wrapping tight around the others middle.

“Kayn…” A grin was growing upon his face, eyes slowly falling upon the dandelion behind the others ear. It made him think of a philosophy spoken long ago by Shen. Perhaps… “... Welcome home.”

“I’m sorry I ran, master. I am sorry for what I said.” Whispered against his collar as Sheida raised his head just a little, chin resting against Zed’s breastbone. “I… found clarity. I acknowledge that I was wrong, and that my feelings… were confused. I never sought to harm you as I did.”

“I know you didn’t.” The depth of the older man’s voice shook him pleasantly, in the way it always had done. “You needn’t apologize any more… I just wanted you home.”

“I have a lot to think about and assess, and change will not happen over night… but I feel like perhaps I am on the _right_ path.”

_I will pry from you the story of your epiphany… but not now._

“Take all the time you need.”

_For now… I simply want to exist with you._

“Thank you, master.” A pause of hesitation… before a sharp grin appeared on the younger males face, and with absolute confidence, Shieda uttered words that were so rarely said between them, fringed by a title he had never used before; “And… I love you, father.”

The line of Zed’s mouth wobbled as he struggled not to let emotion completely overcome him. Did he just...? A small pat against the others spine, now whispering himself,

“... I... love you too, son.”

Had they been spoken awkwardly? Too emotionally? Too surprised seeming? The leader tried not to begin to _fret_ over the sudden occurrence as he felt himself melt within! How he had waited for this day, for these words to be voiced aloud, for _his_ child to call him that! There were times in the past where he thought it would only happen in his dreams or if the other was upon his deathbed, that he would never be labelled as the care-taker he had always seen himself as, but Kayn had said it so _gently..._ oh, his heart! Trying not to quiver with excitement, Zed gave a sort of breathy laugh before commenting softly;

“Ah, but… there is something else…”

“Yes, master?”

“... You are not a child any more, and you are somewhat heavy.”

Kayn gave a bark of surprise as he instantly got off of the man he had flattened against the steps, leaving his cheeks pink and his master splayed out upon the steps with a dizzy sort of expression. Head knocked, starving and tired, he _still_ managed to retain that somewhat goofy smile upon his usually stoic face. It felt so _good,_ and the wait had been more than worth it. If only he could speak about his feelings as easily as Shieda...! He could try, couldn't he!?

“It… words fail me, Shieda. I am so happy to have you back.” A sagely nod, sitting up weakly, trying his best not to stutter or become flustered. Kayn came to an exhausted sit beside him with a great sigh, before gently leaning himself against his master’s side with his eyes upon the stars above. Thankfully for Zed this was not another occurrence to make his heart race faster than it already was, they so often leant against the other both metaphorically and physically. As such, the contact was reciprocated once more, and both found comfort in the warmth that each other provided. 

“And I am thankful to be back at your side."

“... Are you sure you are not more thankful to be where your bed is?" His usual teasing, causing a smirk to appear upon Kayn's face...!

“Ah... I can be thankful for both, can't I?”

Sitting upon those steps with the night coming overhead instead they chose to watch the cosmos move in silence, as the constellations of Gods and Goddesses came into view in fiery shades of citrine and gold. The leader thought about how the world was so… mesmerizing as much as it was horrible, for though there was war and chaos to contend with that mattered little in the state of twilight they had been captured in. He chose to listen to the slow breathing of his son against him as it got evermore slower, peppered every half a minute with a yawn, and was reminded of the distant past where Kayn had been small enough to be carried to bed beneath his arms. The boy had always been as flimsy as a ragdoll when picked up and hung loosely in his grip, but as he grew the length of his legs and arms had rendered that move now impossible. Just one of the many memories he held of times they shared together, and times that could never be stolen from them.

Father and son. Master and apprentice. Zed gave a quiet nod to himself, his attempts to stay sitting up faltering ever so slightly as the man turned his gaze upwards.

_Nothing has changed… we are still what we were._

Amongst the multitude of lights the shadow Order’s leader could have sworn he saw a tail in the sky, the streaking of a fallen star across the cosmic sea as it journeyed far away. A sign of a wish came true, or balance being broken…? As he gave a gentle yawn himself, Shieda’s sleepy voice entered his ears, having followed his masters eyeline heavensward,

“I chased a falling star…”

Zed gave an echo of a chuckle, smile lopsided as he brought his sights back down upon his apprentice.

“Did your wish come true…?”

Cheek against the older mans shoulder, Kayn gave a dutiful nod with his eyes gently slipping shut.

“Yeah… yeah, it did.”

* * *

“Hey old man-- what’s up!”

Shen nearly jumped sky high as Akali came across his camp, so stealthy that she even outdid him in the field-- there had been no warning of her entrance. Sleepiness fled him as he came to a sudden sit-up to sweep his eyes across her; backpack, sleeping gear, unharmed. _Good._

“... You have returned to me, Akali. I must ask you… why?” The remnants of his slumber were still thick in his voice, causing the words to slur ever so gently. His question had been prompted by the prior engagement, and part of him was wondering if something had happened to her... thankfully she put that line of thought to rest.

“Do I need a reason to come back?” A pout overtook her, childish and slightly red faced as she put her hands upon her hips in annoyance. Ah… she never changed. Still his little girl, still with the feistiness of a wyvern in such a small body! Shen allowed himself to smile this time, a half-lidded, gentle expression overtaking his face as he gave a gentle nod and came to a slow stand...

“Never. Welcome home, my daught--”

“Nope. Nope! I told ya’ never to call me that!” Suddenly Akali gave a playful lunge at Shen, who _just about_ caught her by the wrists as she began to wriggle and huff in his grasp. Ha, the younger assassin had thought she could take advantage of his state to get one up on him…! The older ninja was forced to let go when she planted her foot against his stomach and began to _tug_ , back-flipping away using him as a platform-- and once upon her feet once more she would utter with false snarkiness, “You’re a little sluggish today. No sleep?”

Shen swayed ever so gently upon the spot with the rocking of his heels, having not lost the sweet expression from before her assault. “I suppose you could say that.”

“What are you smiling for… what happened? Did Ionia finally reach the ultimate form of being ‘balanced’?”

“Do I need a reason to be happy to see you…?”

A pause. The young woman’s glare softened dramatically, and with a burst of laughter she lithely danced near to place a mock punch against his arm.

“It’s good to see you again, Shen.”

“And you, Akali.”

“Now, stop smiling, I ain’t used to it!!”


	12. Dead Dragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF  
> my baby boy deserves good things  
> and zed gets... a toad  
> (note; he released it later in the night and told kayn it ran off.)  
> AAHAHAHA  
> some light trauma discussion in here, just hitting on kayns past and lack of a childhood  
> as well as zed trying to be a good dad!
> 
> enjoy!! <3

That boy was such a lonely child.

Often from the windows he watched as Kayn shied away from the other acolytes; the way of speech was strange to him, even after five months of hearing it constantly, and he had little in common with them besides training every day. They played foreign games and had nonsensical traditions, and every time he was shoo’d over to the younger members of their order (who were all fifteen and older and really had little to no interest in entertaining a ten year old) he would not last long in their presence. Sure, they were kind to him, but it was awkward and quiet, basic conversation only took their contact so far. After weeks of trying, Shieda found himself often alone upon the monastery grounds, chasing large insects in the shade or playing with the fronds of wild grass that sprung up in tones of blue at the feet of swaying trees.

There was none that really had the free time to play with someone who knew very little about the world. Though at the age to decide effectively what he wanted to do with his life on his own, they all knew that the lack of Kayn’s independence and the strangeness of his behaviors marked him as someone who's mental age did not perhaps align with his physical one. This was no doubt a by-product of his youth in Noxus, which saw him as eager to fight and train but left the child without any clue of what to do with his time otherwise. Whenever he was sighted he was either at his master's side or completely alone, doing whatever mundane thing kept his hands busy… it was as if Shieda had no clue about how to occupy the living world when he was not readying himself for warfare; a truth that was fast becoming realized.

Zed himself knew little of the wants and needs of a child, for he himself had not had an exemplary childhood. Letting Kayn become his little shadow proved to be inconvenient for them both, for the master oft had papers and plans to discuss with other rebel factions that would not allow the attendance of a child-- and thus Shieda waited outside, lifelessly, quietly, for his savior to be free again. There was an onslaught of questions that he sometimes could not answer, strings of childish thoughts that were tedious to try and unravel and ramblings during what was to be _meditation time_ \-- and this was daily. After a few hours of attempting to power-walk after Zed his legs grew tired and he began to stumble, and though he would be dismissed every single time, he was being dismissed essentially into isolation…! This was a creature that was so terribly awful to see alone, but required too much management to keep at his side every waking hour of every day!

The ninja did not like to think he was _tired_ of any child’s company, but he was essentially just one man tasked with raising a human without any instructions on how to do so. One night, when the moon was hidden behind the clouds the master sat tirelessly upon his bed, letting his mind become an echo chamber of possible solutions to this problem-- and then it came. Zed felt lightning hit him in the form of thought… for there was certainly one thing all children liked. Something he _lacked._ The man knew not whether Kayn would be too old for them, but it would be certainly better than having him play about with grass and weeds! With tangible excitement the insomniac that was the Shadow orders leader stole away with the rising of the sun, pressing forth to a nearby village in search of something common yet evermore absent from their home… and he should have perhaps not been as _tenacious_ as he was when collecting them, but the gift of choice was always a splendid option.

It was a trade town, handsome in its stock and possibly infamous for its nicknacks. He himself was a regular visitor for food, never having to hide his face as his reliance upon the small settlement made the occupants feel evermore special; in response to seeing that head of white hair stroll swiftly along the stone many bid him a fair morning, chatty and friendly, wondering if he was perhaps looking for fresh bread or meat for the Order… but no. Instead the man disappeared down a side-alley, eyes set upon a store he had never before entered. So foreign and useless to his usual cause was such a store that the owner had only heard rumors of him, and was perhaps both flabbergasted and taken aback by the arrival of the dangerous ninja upon his front mat. The two bowed. The situation was briefly explained, and the clerk lit up as he ushered the other in joyfully. It would take thirty minutes for him to see his business done.

The master had returned by midday, trying not to puff as he climbed the tall stairs leading to the front door-- and as usual Shieda was standing there waiting for him, looking a tad lost. He was once again playing the part of a loyal dog awaiting its master upon the marble, no matter the weather, no matter the length of time. A small smile teased his young face as he visibly became giddy, and Zed returned it with an exasperated one of his own that he hoped had more positive feeling in it than the negativity that was dwelling within. The ninja didn’t like Kayn’s waiting as it was, but it seemed so much worse when it was upon those steps. It must be boring… and it was somewhat _sad_ to see the glorious hours of the day wasted by staring off into the distance, awaiting the return of a single person.

“Master,” The youth gave him a curt bow, “Welcome home. Where did you go?”

“That is for me to know and for you to find out.” The male answered in not an unkind manner, giving a short nod to his student as he came to a stop beside him. Upon his back affixed with thin rope through holes was a box covered in brown paper, jostling slightly against him. “I… have brought something for you.”

“For me…?” Those round eyes looked up at him in wonder and then to the strange box; but nothing could be seen.

“Mhm. What do you think it is?”

Zed began walking again with a stride that was heading off to the left, to where the worn path led to the small rooms of the other acolytes. It was strange, very strange, that though there were many vacant rooms the one that Shieda had picked for himself was on the very end, closest to the door; he had no neighbor, no living thing next door, and that was the way he seemed to like it. Passing under the long branches of a yellow willow that cast flittering shadows against the ground, Kayn had fallen silent for a long while, the echoing of their footsteps against the dirt being the only sound. When his voice finally rang out it was soft and tentative, perhaps a little hopeful.

“Is it… a frog?”

Zed couldn’t resist raising an eyebrow to himself, not quite understanding why his pupil would want a frog of all things. Children had strange ways and said strange things.

“No. Why do you want a frog?”

“I don’t know,” Shieda whispered, jamming some fingers between his teeth. “Maybe, I could keep it alive with me…”

“Like a pet?”

“A pet?”

“An animal you keep and take care of.”

“I think it would probably die.”

… And Kayn was the king of saying strange things.

The halls were an attached building with golden cranes flying upon the span of plastered walls, making up a long hallway that was supported by ancient wood-weaving techniques long lost to modern Ionia. Once entered through a single ornate door, said hallway was gold and cream and oak and strung all the way to the end with a set of light wooden doors that had identical markings, the curling of leaves like creeping vines all the way to the top. Kayn’s room at the very end, once the door was shoved open by the master, was almost exactly as it was whenever a student first arrived… barren. While most had long since pinned letters from their families to the walls or had keepsakes from battles strewn around the place, the small, simple space that was the ten year olds private space was just a bed and a bag on the floor. Nothing more. The window that led out onto the monastery gardens was dusty simply because he could not reach it to clean it, but the immaculateness of the rest of the area was bizarre and uncomforting. It was like he wasn’t there at all… except he very much was, tugging on his masters sleeve.

“I am sorry, master. I know the window is dusty.” There was genuine sadness in his tone that made Zed grit his teeth a little, raising his hand to pet the other heavily upon his head. The boy must have caught him staring.

“It is ok. I know you cannot reach.”

He knew life for a ten year old boy could not be easy, not living like this, and yet Kayn showed absolutely no signs that this way of life was troubling him in any way. By logical conclusion, this meant whatever he had before was _less_ than no friends, no family, no keepsakes and an empty, featureless room. Zed swallowed his anger towards Noxus that flared up in that instant, trying not to let it show upon his face… this child was so subservient; quirky, clingy, loud, yet shy at times, but still _so_ eager to please. The opposite of most ten year olds.

_An excellent soldier. A terrible child._

Zed shut the door on them both suddenly in a manner that made Shieda jump a little, backing off as his master took off the square package bound to him and gave a short huff in release. Kayn was immediately curious about the box and kept looking down to it with measured suspicion, tipping his head as if he was trying to guess what it was before it was revealed to him but too nervous to actually approach it.

_Yes, go on…_

And the master _loved_ to see that curiosity! Nudging the package forward a little with his foot, Shieda looked from it and back to him over and over in a discreet way as if he was waiting for instructions on what to do with the item, but Zed stayed silent, simply staring down at him. The man wanted him to do it himself. Wanted that curiosity to take over him and venture forth and act like anything _but_ a creature that existed _only_ to bend to his will, but Shieda didn’t move. In fact, as the seconds wore on, Kayn was looking increasingly nervous as if he feared he was doing something wrong by simply standing there, and with a short sigh Zed raised his hand to touch the box-- and the boy flinched. Hard.

_Damn it--_

“No no, shh.” Zed rose his hands gently in an ‘I surrender’ motion, tipping his head to the package. “I was waiting for you to open it-- I said it was for you, remember?”

“Oh, yes,” Came the shy response, even if the child made absolutely no movement towards it still. “Sorry, master.”

“Do not apologize. Come here,” The man nudged the box to the side just a little so that he could sit down cross legged upon the floor, “Do you want me to open it for you?”

A slow nodding of the head from his wide-eyed pupil, standing afar.

It was not so much the staring that had caused Kayn to become frightened, it was simply that unless he was ordered to do something he was very content to do nothing at all sometimes. He would wait for the command to do anything, so broken by _whatever_ had been done to him overseas that though he had sometimes had spurts of rebelliousness and anger there were more often these strange moments of… nothingness that descended upon him, as if he was only partially there. Not entirely in the moment. This small creature in his care was a complex puzzle that he was attempting to solve piece by piece, but not enough time had transpired for him to understand just how deep the troubling behaviour ran. Those first days had been filled with such random, violent behaviours that this almost seemed like a different child now, one completely subdued by something invisible. Something about the ‘deep dark’. Something about dying. Shieda had turned from a toothy, spunky, aggressive kid into a quiet, fearful, lonely one in the space of about three months.

Zed wanted very much to understand… but he _couldn’t_.

Putting the behaviors of his erratic pupil aside, he took a deep breath and hoped that this would perhaps be akin to some kind of therapy for the other. Maybe it would bring him some peace to whatever war was raging within that young mind. Without further hesitation Zed bore his nails down against the packages brown paper and opened it with the sounds of its crinkling filling the air, revealing another box of sorts-- wicker. He simply flicked open noiselessly.

Silence filled the room.

_I’ll give you a head start, then._

Zed leaned forward and picked something out--

\--... It was a stuffed empyrean.

A cute plush dragon, snake-like with long felt whiskers and a fluffy beard, tiny, stubby legs and a wavy felt ridge against its back. It’s eyes were blue beads and its hemming a similar light blue, the soft fabric that made up its body in a shade of marbled cream and gold from special dunk-drying in the toy-makers workshop. The ninja held it out to Kayn who, the moment he spotted it, seemed to have light rekindled in his eyes as he became curious once again. It was taken eagerly (but gently) from the older mans hands.

“What is it…?” Shieda asked, curling its whiskers about his fingers with a mystified tone.

“It’s an ‘empyrean’. It is a wind dragon that lives in the clouds.”

“Ohhhhh… a dead dragon?”

Zed became dejected in an instant, and though he wished to ask ‘how would a plush toy be a dead dragon’ he thought it would be best simply to elaborate.

“It is a toy… or, sort of like a pet. Except you cannot kill it, because it is not alive.”

The ninja carefully took it back from the boy, only to place it gently upon his head against the short fuzz of the younger males hair. Shieda observed the way its whiskers brushed the bridge of his nose, and in a small giggle-snort excitedly pulled it down to hold with both hands--

“It tickles…”

“Oh?” The ninja commented aloofly, “I have heard that when the breeze of an empyrean tickles, it means it likes you.”

“It-- it likes me!?”

 _There_ it was, an explosion of noise as Kayn excitedly held the plush toy to his chest with his yellow eyes sparkling, a wide and eager smile upon his face. Zed had been correct in his assumptions that though Kayn was ten years old, so deprived of a childhood had he been that his levels of enjoyment and pleasure were far younger, perhaps around seven or eight. Those small hands kept brushing against its soft, minky fur as if he found great satisfaction in feeling something so gentle against his fingertips, and slowly Zed felt his own sense of excitement growing within him. A breakthrough. Kayn was _smiling_ because he was genuinely _happy_ and not simply doing it out of subservient behavior, and that was a big, _big_ step for them both.

“There is something just as precious as the empyrean in here, too.” The older male noted eagerly, much to the excitement of the boy before him; and using two hands he brought another one of Ionia’s creatures out before him gently.

A jeweled protector! Quite alike a miniature statue it had a heavy amount of detail upon it (though came without paint on everything except the gold of its eyes), but its playful face and semi-blocky figure were clearly catered to a younger audience to fiddle with and not to sit upon someone’s mantle. As he held it into the light he tipped it to show the other that the bottom had wheels upon it and that the jaw and legs were loose, jiggling slightly with the movement. It’s middle was segmented into three parts conjoined by thin cord allowing the creature to be bent this way and that without breakage. Kayn looked on in confusion, simply because it was so _different_ to the dragon in his arms, and awaited an explanation in silence; Zed gladly obliged.

“Look.”

Ever so gently he pressed the toy against the ground, and now that the protectors wheels were upon the floor Zed rolled it forward and back to demonstrate the way its little legs span and its mouth went _clack clack clack_ in a repetitive bite. The simple movement of the wooden toy caused Kayn to gasp a little and when his master’s hold retracted he immediately used a spare hand to push it in a circle about on the ground with the beginnings of a quiet wonder upon his face. It was very clear that the child didn’t understand _how_ it was moving, and that only made it evermore wonderful.

“It is biting,” Kayn whispered, only putting the empyrean down to test the jaw strength of the toy by jamming a hand between its blunt teeth. “Oh… it doesn’t hurt, though.”

“No. The jeweled protector helps keep our land safe.” He could not hide the hint of pride within his voice… though it immediately disappeared at Shieda’s next uttering.

“... Even me?”

There was not a single beat of hesitation.

“Of course. These beings watch over you now, too.” The strength in his tone was reassuring and visibly served to smother the minute sadness that had begun to gather in Kayn’s eyes. “The empyrean will weave gentle skies above you, and if you’re ever in trouble, the protector will come to fight for you.”

“Oh? They are friends?”

“Yes. To each other _and_ you.”

With his mouth forming a delighted ‘o’ his apprentice dragged the wooden toy close to him so that he could put it beside the empyrean politely, smiling down at them as he put one of the dragons whiskers between the lion-creatures jaws and rocked it back and fro.

“It doesn’t hurt,” The child whispered to himself as if he was speaking to the plush before him, gazing down quietly into its beady eyes.

Zed’s heart bled. It bled for the simple happiness of seeing his adopted child do something _childish_ and innocent and sweet… but it _hurt_ all the same, for this poor creature had clearly never had a toy before in his entire life. Though it was nice to be the first adult to ever share such an experience with the boy he realized that ah, unlike any normal child this one was not looking to the box for more. No begging, no hasty attack on the box. Not eager to see what else he had been brought, not wanting or selfish, just… so incredibly endeared with the two things he already _had_. The _sadness_ that lanced through the adults chest was beginning to burn into anger again, anger for the childhood that this little soul never had, anger against the people who had led him into such a _depraved_ life that something as little as _this_ would be so wonderful to he. Indeed, Shieda was awestruck and (funnily enough) trying to fit the two toys together so that it seemed like the plush was riding the other--

Well, the moment was going to get a lot better.

A drawing pad and pencils, gum-sap to stick things up with, a mess of stackable wooden bricks of all sizes and shapes, a stuffing filled training sack and what Zed labelled as a ‘mistake’ buying him; a ball. It was only a mistake because as the master was attempting to tidy a room that now looked like a hurricane went through it, Shieda was continuously trying to _hit_ him with it. Quite literally like a child in a toy store Shieda had explored every single option that had been given to him, from drawing strange faces on the paper to hitting the fluffy sack to building what appeared to be a disjointed tower with those blocks, but by far his favorite was that multi-hued ball. Lightning reflexes meant it was caught every time it was shoved in Zed’s direction however, much to the child’s disappointment.

“How bold of you to even try to get me with this.” The ninja mused, holding the ball at a height that the boy couldn’t grab it at. Perhaps he expected the other to lunge for it, however, that was not the case.

“You’ll always catch it, so it is a challenge now!” Came the excited chirping from below. “I will do it, I will hit you.”

“Well, not if I hit you first.”

_BONK._

The ball harmlessly and lightly bounced off of Kayn’s skull, but he gave a loud yap as if it hurt any way! Zed couldn’t help but look a little smug as he watched the excited youth skitter to the end of the room to retrieve it-- the atmosphere turned playful, and with heavy snickering he observed Kayn throw it (rather pathetically) in the general direction of his head… just for it to be caught once again. There it was again, that toothy smirk that was beginning to show upon the ninjas face as he effortlessly bounced it off a wall to smack Shieda with it again-- the same loud yelp, the same retrieve. _This_ time, when the little soldier whirled around to face him again, there was intent blazing in his eyes as he began to try and figure out what was the best angle to strike the other from… and with just a little more _force_ he threw it--

And Zed simply didn’t move.

In fact, when it hit him not only did he not flinch, but he forgot to actually _react_ until a second later, making the entire ordeal even _less_ believable--

“Hm.”

… He still had a fair few things to learn when it came to playing with children, but he had the spirit! Jumping up and down upon the spot and _fooled_ none-the-less his student began chattering excitedly,

“I did it! I hit you! I knew I could!” The pride in that pitched voice was unbelievably… _adorable_ , and the infamous leader of the Shadow order found his cheeks dusting ever so slightly with pink. He was just so… _pleased._ It was a job well done, a costly solution to a long standing problem, but you could not put a price on happiness. The man bridged the gap between them to pat Kayn upon the head softly, noticing that this time the raising of his hand did _not_ cause the other to flinch, and actually managed to _beam_ down at him with an expression he had not used in such a _long_ time-- it felt strange upon his face, like wearing a well worn shirt that hadn’t been addressed in a while.

_I am grinning… that sort of happiness is infectious._

“Good boy,” A soft tone from the adult, one that surprised him by just how gentle it was, “It makes me happy to see you happy.”

Infectious indeed, Shieda hadn’t looked this happy since he had first been told that he was allowed to roam the immediate forest about the monastery on his own-- no, he was even more up-beat now than he had been then! Leaving the others palm he plucked his plush dragon from the ground to hold in his arms tightly in a hug, eyes closed as he pressed his face against the creatures fluffy head… perhaps he had wanted to do such an action to his carer in that moment but lacked the bravery.

“I’m happy! I’m really happy!” Spoken against the fur. “You didn’t need to bring me anything at all, but you did! I promise I will bring you something in return, so it is sort of like we are trading things. I do not know where to get things, but I will get things.”

“You do not need to get me anything… they are presents. All I desire is your happiness, Shieda.” A breathy laugh, “It is my duty to care for you…”

“I... already know you care.”

Such an offhand statement and the yellow stare that met his own caused Zed to place a palm against his hip-- hm! There was a certain peace that came with the acknowledgement that your attempts were being well received. It meant that every time the master had tried to reach out there had been some inkling on the others end that there had been an attempt in the first place… no, it was not that he was too restrained or tough or cold, it was simply that Kayn needed time. Reassurance. They were communicating on the same plane; Shieda simply needed to learn how to be cared for, and he needed to (perhaps) learn how to communicate with children better. That meant never expecting them to act in one way, when they could suddenly _swing_ in another direction--

“But being happy isn’t _enough_ ,” There was fire in that tone all of a sudden! Placing his dragon down Kayn briskly walked past him, filled with determination, “I’ll get you something! I swear by it! I’m gonna’ go find something on my own, master!”

“When something is a gift it means that you do not expect nor _need_ anything in return--”

Zed watched as Kayn burst from the room with his door clattering on its hinges and disappeared from view before he could say another word on the subject. Silly boy. Though the object of his affections was gone from sight, that smile lingered there upon the males lips as his hands found a home at his back… he would not pat himself upon the back for his success, for this was merely necessity to he who had brought someone so young from the fields of warfare into security and warmth. No, he did not need praise for doing what was _right._ What was right was treating a boy like a boy and not forcing him to be something he wasn’t, namely, a player in Ionia’s war against Noxus. There would be time for that later, when he was larger and stronger, but for now…?

Shieda Kayn was allowed to be a kid.

And that was how Zed, the master of shadows, sat in his bed staring directly into the eyes of a toad-like creature that was brought to him in the dead of night by an excited Kayn. The boy had brought with him a mess of leaves and berries to leave on his floor… for said toad. It was a honey yellow and six limbed, an innocent creature simply blinking there dumbly from it’s haphazard throne of natural items foraged from outside.

His thank you gift.

“Do… do you like it?”

A small voice rose up from the doorway, where the child was shifting gently and nervously upon his feet. Zed looked over his shoulder with a kind smile upon his face, red eyes burning with the same gentle happiness from before.

“Thank you, Kayn…”

_You may be snarky and strange and wild, but inside… you are a sweet boy._

“... I love it.”

_I hope you remember this day fondly._

* * *

Zed stood in Kayn’s room, eyes befalling the sparkling of a clean window with interest, when something caught his eyes… the familiar gleaming of a beady eye, threadbare and barely clinging to the once-fluffy face of a very old toy. He did not hesitate in quietly strolling over to where it was sat beside a stack of clothes in the far corner of the room, almost cloaked in shadow, not quite hidden but not _quite_ discarded-- and he hadn’t even _touched_ the creature before the alarm call of Shieda sounded behind him;

“A-Ah, master? What are you looking for?” The nineteen year old stood with raised eyebrows, holding the peculiar object they had been looking for in the first place; a corded dagger meant for throwing and snapping it back to hand.

The ninja didn’t answer. Instead, tenderly, he picked up the stuffed empyrean to observe it in the light… so worn! So old. It’s patterning had faded and its whiskers frayed, one eye was missing and one leg was almost hanging off. He didn’t need to turn to Kayn. He already knew the other man’s face would be bright red in embarrassment.

“... Lenny?”

Ah, _that_ is when the masters usual serious expression regarded him strangely.

“... You called it Lenny?”

“Yeah. I don’t remember why, but it’s always been called Lenny.” Shieda came to his master’s side quietly, somewhat thankful his long hair covered half of his face to hide the gentleness of his expression.

“Hmm… Lenny.”

Zed gently placed it against Kayn’s head, managing a small smirk as he observed the scene with a rush of warmth flooding him. Just like before, those whiskers caused Shieda’s nose to crinkle as he gave a short huff with a grin of his own,

“I… remember this.” The assassin spoke happily and fondly, “You told me it meant that a great wind dragon liked me. Did you make that up… or is there some legend regarding stuffed creatures that I am unaware of?”

The faintest twitching of the masters lips upwards; he said nothing in response. Shieda’s expression deadpanned, the plush still sitting upon his head.

“You... made it up. How cruel of you, master, to lie to _me._ ” Spoken with snark!

“It made you happy, didn’t it?”

“Do not listen to him, Lenny. I choose to believe in your magical prowess.”

“I do not think he can hear you…” The ninja spoke with a measure of seriousness, “He appears to be somewhat... dead.”

_... A dead dragon._

The two looked at each other as the same memory crossed both of their minds at the exact same time, words spoken by a child at the appearance of a stuffed creature put before them; and erupting into a fit of laughter Shieda had to catch the poor dragon as it topped from his head. Even the master managed a short snicker as they remembered that treasured day of toys and balls and Lenny riding atop a jeweled protector; a toad and a dusty window and their smiles.

They both remembered that day ever so fondly indeed.


	13. A Noxian Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13\. || “There are plenty fine Ionian children in these lands that need fathering, Zed. Tutoring and guiding. Why do you trouble yourself with some Noxian scrap from nowhere…?” The leader’s attention diverted… and Shieda found that deep gaze now upon him, the shades of auburn so dark that he could not read the man’s pupils well. Still he refused to shrink, refused to yield even an inch away from his protectors side, but then like lightning falling on the sunniest day the surprise and shock of the next statement made him flinch--
> 
> “Some experiment in warfare… an orphan who no-one missed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD this chapter is long and took so long FORGIVE MEEE  
> this was one of those important chapters in which i wanted to establish three things  
> a) where kayn got that cool lip scar from that he doesnt even have in game LOL  
> b) the beginning of shiedas /obsessive/ devotion  
> c) his 'first' killing of a human and how it felt for him  
> c) a) i say 'first' because (points to the deep dark) but in my contorted timeline zed doesnt know about all that yet so!!  
> d) i lied its four things also that this is the 'height' of sheidas instability, in his mid teens, in which he takes on a million emotions at once aha  
> ANYHOW, i write a lot of soft things so i wanted this two to be killers for once. of course this comes with trigger warnings;
> 
> TW ; BLOOD, EXCESSIVE GORE, DEATH, ANIMAL DEATH. Assassins being assassins.  
> chapter in summary; 
> 
> kayn; im going to kill everyone for you  
> zed; ok but can you calm down just a little pls
> 
> ENJOY!! comments always welcome i always read even when i forget to reply!! >:O

Extremists thrived in the midst of war.

Zed did not consider himself one, despite his hatred for Noxus and all the harm it had done to his land; and neither did many of those fighting for their country. Irella’s off-shoot of justice, the Navori brotherhood, had fast become the Shadow Orders allies in their quest to rid the land of the violent plague known as the invading Noxian army, but it was a war that was effective in tearing the country in more than two ways. Vastayan’s split amongst themselves as they knew not what hand they had in the warfare, groups of warriors rose and fell with various different ideals, and all the while mother nature herself burned with the chemicals and fire that left the traditionalist folk left wandering simply when it all would end. Bandle city violently sealed its mass of hidden openings for travel into the land, ships with goods from Bilgewater stopped coming to port. Within the first lands hatred festered as villages known to home countless generations were slaughtered or torn asunder by those who sought to do nothing but dominate their enemy.

The Tenun were a group who were very much seen in a good light by ultra nationalists as ‘saviors’. Though they fought they often had no need to kill, for they liked to think they embodied the peaceful resolve that was Ionia’s usual way and fought the good fight by taking upon themselves a pretty simple task; locate Noxian deferrers and return them back to where they belonged. The reward was handsome and had made the group rich and powerful. So famous were the Tenun that Noxus itself did not attack them on sight, instead eagerly welcoming them as a part of their task force in conquering in First lands-- if they weeded out the weak, then they would only be left with the strong. Informants, deserters and rebels had no right to survive, for though they could flee the motherland and her mighty fleet they could not change the blood in their veins. Riding around on their gaudy steeds that bore the reds of Noxus against Ionia’s green… how it made Zed sick to his stomach.

Standing about a mile off road and uphill, his gaze tracked the movements of their horses pressing directly in their direction in a steady trot, knowing that they were absolutely looking for him and his little shadow, Kayn, who was furiously huffy at his side.

“We can kill them,” The fourteen year old whispered, “There are only five of them.”

“They are in neutral standing with the Brotherhood.”

Kusho and his power over the aggressive anti-Noxian fighting force, the brotherhood, were actually quite accustomed to the Tenun and their ways, for though they differed on certain things there was one major point that put them upon the same ground; the ridding of Noxian’s from Ionia. Noxian’s who had strayed from the army, in the Navori’s eyes, were to be either executed or shipped back to the enemy line instead of spreading themselves through their good country like a disease. This put them both in alliance, and Zed’s order of course fell into line beside the brotherhood and its ideals. He hated political warfare and playing the field for a multitude of gangs and bands of uprising warriors, but he had no choice. Just like he had no choice in confronting the Tenun’s band with what was quite obviously a former Noxian at his side. Kusho already knew and cared little, and the brotherhood had grown to simply lament his choice of taking the boy in, but these men were not under Kusho’s control… and they could do as they wished.

Taking a knee Zed put his hands on either side of Kayn’s small frame, looking him directly in the eyes.

“No attacking them before there is just cause to, understand?” A small intake of breath, “There is a chance they are going to say things to you. Bad things. Things that will make you angry, and they will make me angry too, but we cannot be the aggressors first. With some hope, we may simply walk away.”

“We are to cower before them...?”

“Not cower, but placate them.”

“They know who I am.”

“And they know who stands at your side.”

They were dressed in civilian wear for that reason, the older male ridding himself of the farmer's hat he had used to disguise the striking whites of his hair. What good _that_ had done him. His simple white shirt and brown pants tied at the waist with rope gave off an impression of impoverishness, the same simple attire clothing Kayn making them seem like nothing more than simple shoppers hunting the western merchants on their travels, but it hadn’t been enough. It had taken the Tenani (the Tenun’s name for their elite hunters) four years in total to locate Zed while working, afraid to simply stroll up to the monasteries door and knock for answers. That would be suicide; they would be impossibly outnumbered. But catching a ninja is as bitterly difficult as it sounded, for if it wasn’t for the disguises, the lack of tracks, the shadow magic and the tireless nature in which they traveled the land the anti-Noxian brigade would have fast found them by now… how could one man and a boy evade horse-mounted warriors? Well, with great skill and a knowledge of the land that they simply lacked.

Yet, despite their exhaustive efforts, there was no point in running now. If they fled into the forest there would not be another road for half a day, and they would be cut off at every conceivable exit they could think of, for the mass of green was fringed by stretches of open grassland; if they were not spotted they would have to outrun horses on flat land. An impossible feat. With a steep frown upon his face, Zed simply stood at the side of the road with his body halfly covering Kayn’s and waited as the stamping of hooves upon the ground got louder and louder. Kayn himself suppressed a sliver of fear, but those yellow eyes were burning with strange emotion that he knew unnerved his master a little. Unpredictable and hostile, he had to follow his masters orders…

_… Master, are these our enemies?_

Shieda’s low growl of annoyance made Zed’s body stiffen ever so slightly.

_I… I want to fight for you._

“Ah… there you are; Zed! Finally you are before us.”

Five mounted men with entirely ranged weapons came to a rolling stop before them; spears and bows. Tools for chasing those who would run and nothing for short range… how criminally under-equipped they were for their task at hand! Shieda kept this within his mind as he faltered a little behind his master in the tall shadows of the Tenun, gaze thinning quietly. They were wearing basic armor, stiff leather and sheet metal, nothing too restrictive in case there needed to be a foot run… and their animals were not plated at all. This could only be to keep up the strength of the horses as the sun beat down upon them, but to the apprentice he only saw a window of opportunity if everything suddenly twisted and turned sour. A more measured and gentle Ionian would never think about using the bare-flanked steeds as a way to secure any kind of victory, but Kayn was not in the business of sparing the feelings of a less intelligent creature when the life of his master could be at stake.

It would not have been the first time he had hurt animals, after all.

“... Why have you come for me?” Bluntly and without the pleasantries that they were expecting, Zed’s eyes met their presumable leader. A large man astride a dappled steed with a Noxian badge at his breast and an uneasy smile upon his worn face. “We have no business with each other.”

“We have had unresolved business for four long years. You are notoriously hard to reach.” There was a murmur of short, un-humored laughs from the men behind the captain. “But here we are… and I have little patience left for introductions or plead deals. Please give us the foreigner and we will be on our way.”

_Foreigner._

The word made Kayn’s blood heat as he twitched with aggression, stormy at his masters back, fingers _itching_ to deliver a punishment onto the speaker. Oh of course he _obeyed_ and did not make a single motion to lunge at the other (no matter how much his heart ached for it!) but hearing that word fall so callously from this strange man’s lips made him think of the early days, the unsettling days, the days where he himself would have agreed that he was no Ionian of any sort. Those days in question were far, _far_ in the past… so why was he still being persecuted for them!? Zed read this energy carefully and sheltered him just a fraction more, still calm, still gazing outward in an unimpressed manner.

“The boy is a foreigner no longer and nor is he the property of Noxus. He belongs to _me._ ” Stated matter-of-factly. “And he will not be leaving with you.”

“A Noxian born, a Noxian dead. You should know that phrase well.” A reference to their blood; just like Noxian weaponry, what was forged in the motherland never became otherwise. A Noxian tool, a Noxian soldier, a Noxian child. “It is in their blood, brother. We have a duty to protect Ionia.”

“Do _not_ call me brother. We are _nothing_ alike.” Zed’s voice had begun to roll lowly, like a storm gathering. “Your way is not the _only_ way to protect Ionia.”

“Says the Noxian killer…! What made this one so special that you did not smite him where he stood? Do not tell me…” A feigned gasp…! “The leader of the Shadow order has a soft spot…!”

Behind him there were the louder echoes of laughter now, taunting and thinly veiled with spite. Zed’s head tipped just a little to the side.

“Your chiding will not work on me, Tenani, because I care little about anything that comes from your mouth.”

Kayn felt the flutterings of pride in his chest, yes, _yes_ , his master was as immovable as ever! As resistant to the outside world as fire to stone! The corner of the young boys lips curled a little as he _sneered_ from behind Zed, cat-like eyes capturing the attention of one of the spear-men to the rear of the band who whispered a faint _’bastard’_ beneath his breath with his lips split in a nasty grin.

“There are plenty fine _Ionian_ children in these lands that need fathering, Zed. Tutoring and _guiding_. Why do you trouble yourself with some Noxian scrap from nowhere…?” The leader’s attention diverted… and Shieda found that deep gaze now upon him, the shades of auburn so dark that he could not read the man’s pupils well. Still he refused to shrink, refused to yield even an inch away from his protectors side, but then like lightning falling on the sunniest day the surprise and shock of the next statement made him flinch--

“Some _experiment_ in warfare… an orphan who no-one missed.”

_How does he--!!_

Shieda made to _lunge_ all of a sudden, a movement that caused Zed to sidestep smartly and as effortlessly as he could without taking his now narrowed eyes off of the Tenun's captain; what a specific taunt… that sounded like information they should _not_ have. Information that not even _he_ knew.

Who had sent them… and what were they armed with?

“ _Liar_ ,” Spat Kayn, all bristles and hissing beneath the outstretched length of his leader’s arm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about at all!!”

_How does he know about the experiment!?_

“Did I strike a sore spot, little one?” That voice was dripping with insincerity as the Tenani leader waggled his fingers at Kayn in mock play. “Well, _I_ heard that the Noxian’s were so eager for you to die that they tied you to a tree in chains--”

“How… how could _you_ know that--!?”

“Stop talking. **Now.** ”

Zed’s demeanor had changed in a heartbeat. No longer was his stare deprived of any real emotion, for now those red irises were burning in anger; they would stoop so low as to mock a child for their own gain? Shieda knew that this was no longer a stand off, that they would no longer simply ‘walk away’ as his master had put it before. These were no regular hunters of Ionia’s ‘plague’. These were men who knew too much, who had been briefed on their targets before the hunt and had kept that verbal ammunition safely stored within their minds until their inevitable confrontation.

Someone had told them everything.

“We do not take orders from you, _Govos._ ”

The bastards high in Noxus’s intel sector had stolen away their secrets and had bled them down to these men for the simple sake of torturing them into submission. The mention of his past name had caused his master to suddenly stiffen in such a slight way that only Kayn could read-- the situation had tumbled into something tense and tumultuous, the air thrumming with such negative energy that the men upon their horses inched their hands ever closer to their gleaming weapons. Shieda too slipped a hand down his side, where a long hunting knife lay flush against his outer thigh, hidden by the drapes of his shirt and snug within a cloth sheath.

“Do you wish to die?” Zed uttered softly. “You have upset my student… and now you would seek to anger me?”

“Perhaps.” A murmur between the cavalry, their horses shifting uneasily against the ground. “You do not scare me, ‘shadow master’, and I have waited four long years to complete the task handed down to me.”

“Your _impatience_ will be your downfall.” Wisely, with his lip quirking ever so slightly to show teeth. “You may know our histories, but you know nothing of the way we fight… and so you seek to _unnerve_ us before the battle in an attempt to strengthen your hand. Am I right, Tenani?”

The captain faltered ever so slightly.

“Your attempts at biding your time with empty words is over. You will hand over the boy--”

“... Someone high in Noxus has their blade to your throat--”

“-- Or we will _take_ him from you--”

“-- And this is why you quiver in _desperation_. If you fail, will they kill you all?--”

“ _Enough._ " That voice snapped so viciously it was akin to the crack of a whip. "You have made it clear that you will not yield, and we will be forced to use force against you in order to secure our objective.”

Zed braced himself against the earth, Kayn following but a split second after. They were not the aggressors… simply readying to 'defend' in that mess of a moment.

“We now welcome your confrontation.”

In the spirit of dueling tradition they slowly took their weapons to hand, three spears, two bows. The glinting of steel in the sunlight only served to make Shieda giddy, eager to move against their enemies, sound in his ability with the knife. It was warranted. There were very few times where his master sought to test the precarious political ties they were numbingly tied to, and perhaps this, _this_ would be his chance to show Zed that he was ready to actually _help_ on missions instead of being nothing more than a faithful watch dog or alarm call. It was not the human element. It was not the animal’s lives, or the threat of death, or the outnumbered aspect that kept him back then… it was simply the word of his leader that kept him rooted to the ground, unmoving.

And that leader in question… he did not need to see his master's face to know that a great stress had overcome him. It was in the slight rise of his shoulders, the semi-furl of his fingers, the rigidness of his legs.

_Don’t… don’t worry about MY feelings, master. It hurt, but I know you are hurting now, too. You were right, they said terrible things._

Shieda exhaled, the fourteen year olds fingers now sliding against the hilt of the hunting knife.

_But if you can bear it, then I can bear it._

“Any last words, Govos?” The leader _spat_ that name now, “Will you die for this replacement for the love you have _lost_ …?”

The slight, audible breath inwards from Zed signaled that those words had made an unseen mark upon him.

_And these men will never hurt us again--!!_

Kayn erupted from behind Zed without a single interruption as arrows were nocked and prepared to fire, trained upon his back-- but in a flash of movement Kayn did what no Ionian _would_. Instead of going straight for a rearman’s legs in a bound, as they all predicted him to do, Shieda swept low and dragged the blade deep against the horses back legs in a move that caused instant panic as it crashed itself into the beast beside it with a screech of pain. All eyes turned to the toppling creature and its cries for help as its rider fell beneath it, a dull _thud_ sounding against the earth, and all around pupils shrank and the heat of battle gave way to momentary _shock._

Shieda would not join the others in their wide eyed stares of horror.

Face speckled as he left gushing blood behind him he did not falter for a single moment in using his beginning momentum to get below the horse of a speared Tenani who suddenly began attempting to jab at him from on high, driving it upwards against the steeds ribs. So _disgusted_ and frantic were the trained elites at the seconds that had just transpired that they almost completely forgot about Zed in favor for staring at the crying man crushed beneath his horse. It took only a second to look away from him for him to disappear, appearing beside the second rider who had been thrown from his beast in the chaos… and, well, a spear could do little against twin daggers instantaneously thrust into his skull the moment the shadows faded.

All of this transpired in around ten seconds, in which two guards were dead, two steeds were collapsed upon the road with whinnies of pain to the ground and Zed and Kayn together pressed forward with a speed that was almost inconceivable. Three riders left. One charged towards the shadow ninja who burst the moment the spear-tip seemed to catch him, and the rider gave a great bellow as he felt knives plunge either side of his spine directly into his ribs, Zed suddenly crouched behind him enveloped in swirls of black. It left the masters back exposed for but a single moment, a moment in which the still seated bowman thought he could land a hit against the ninja-- he was incorrect, for within that same moment of raising that bow Shieda’s knife came _close_ to embedding itself in the mans temple. That arrow span uselessly into the shade of the forest.

_\----I missed?!_

Kayn landed heavily in a roll to the horses other side, the panicked animal beginning to start at the flash of movement as he quickly moved to his feet to see a horse gallop past him with its dead rider hanging from the stirrups, leaving thick lines of red upon the ground as they both disappeared in a haze of dust down the winding road. A flicker of the eyes back to the target he had missed--

And with a gasp he looked into the glint of a loose arrow--

Zed’s eruption from _nothingness_ caused shadow to streak the world with black and white as the man pivoted hard with his right side swung towards the projectile-- where it hit him _hard_ against his lower ribs. A good shot… they had been aiming for Shieda’s head, and Zed had misjudged the placing of his arm to take the blow ever so slightly said right. With absolutely no words uttered he snatched Kayn from his stunned stand and _threw_ him aside with all his strength, out of the way of the charging Tenani captain as the bowman prepared another shot downwards at the child--

Shieda saw the flashing of Zed’s crimson gaze in warning and _knew_ he had to move. Laying there on the floor with his back bent he could not keep that shivering gaze from the slowly gathering redness that was encompassing his master's side, seizing up as his confidence fractured into little pieces. He hadn’t been fast enough, he had missed his mark and now his hero was paying for it… and though no physical damage had fallen upon him Kayn knew the black shapes dizzying his vision well. No, he _couldn’t_ fall apart--

“You’re _mine_ \--!!”

A flash of grey and the sinking of strong hooves into the dirt right before him-- Shieda managed to roll haphazardly _beneath_ the charging hooves and only missed being trampled by dumb _luck,_ scrambling to his feet as he fumbled holding his knife. A loose arrow blazed across his sight as it struck the ground beside his feet, the bowman’s scream cut short in a manner akin to a sour note killing a song, weapon falling in a clatter. Zed’s arm had connected with the man’s throat in such a savage manner that the bowman’s voicebox instantly crumbled as crushed cartilage jostled beneath his skin… and the moment he hit the floor with a raspy wheeze his life was over, the ninja’s knife plummeting right through his right eye. Kayn stood there quivering with his breath coming fast, fingers trembling as he curled them against his head and began to pull at the lengths of his hair compulsively.

“God damn it!!”

_I’m not fast enough-- it’s falling to pieces, it’s all falling to pieces!!_

The world was black and grey and red and he watched his leader _stagger_ as the lance wielding Tenani began to round back upon himself in another charge. Not now. Not _now_ , the boy pleaded with himself, drawing his body back into stance as he felt Zed’s eyes back upon him. A tentative glance back.

… The ninja looked… _pale._

_It’s all my fault--_

No, no, _no_ , he could not falter again, for the next time he messed up both of them might not get the luxury of standing up. Kayn realized that the leader was not at _all_ focusing on Zed, perhaps out of the desire to avoid confrontation; the objective had never been to fight the leader of the Shadow order, after all. Those blood-shot eyes were trained upon _him_. The turn of the horse in his direction was so sudden that Shieda only _just_ managed to side-step the thunderous hooves rushing by him, and it took a few moments for the child to regain his footing correctly-- but in that moment he found himself once again blinded by the glint of a weapon rushing towards him. A sharp intake of breath.

_Am I gonna’ die?_

_CRASH!!_ A loud bark above him signaled the Tenun’s lead hunter being shoved from the saddle by a bloodied Zed crashing himself against the males side, and in a split second that spear tipped upwards and a flash of pain erupted at the child’s face...

Kayn’s hands met the trench of his split lip, deep enough to see blood pouring down his face and dripping off of his chin.

But that didn’t matter at all.

“MASTER!!”

Shieda danced around the screeching animal that had rushed past him to where the two men lay in the dirt, both without a weapon, attempting to get at each other’s throats. The boy could tell that while it had not been fatal or horrifically damaging, the loss of blood from his master was affecting the way he moved… he was slower now, his attempts almost a _struggle_ as he suppressed the Tenani captain’s hands above his head in a one handed hold that saw him huffing for air. The other hand was fetching the ornamental rope of his belt, looping it about the strangers wrists in a disarming coil to stop him from attempting anything more. Though the shaft of the arrow had been broken, a bit of it still bore through the ninja’s shirt… and Kayn didn’t know what to do. Pull it out?! Go run for help!? If he had been _faster_ then the world wouldn’t feel like it was descending into darkness and his heart wouldn’t feel like it had already stopped, for sound was becoming muffled and distant and foreign.

It was white noise and the echoes of hooves long gone, the loud breathing of injured horses crying out into a blood-soaked path. It was everywhere, that red. At his mouth, at his hands, upon his shirt, so pungent that it made him want to dissolve in water and never smell or see or hear again. But there was _one_ sound that bore through the fizzling and crackling of nothingness, a call, a faint, worried call…

“Kayn…”

 _It’s-- it’s all disappearing. Is it real?_ He touched his face… smeared blood across his cheek. Warm. _I’m… real. This isn’t a nightmare..._

“... Kayn…”

 _I’m real and this is all happening. My master is going to die, I’m going to die, and if I was a little bit better at everything then it would all be ok._ A shudder rattled his bones as he ran cold all over. _But it’s not ok. It’s not ok because, because I… I’m not strong enough--_

“What… have I done...--”

“ _Shieda._ ”

Kayn snapped to attention with those bleary eyes instantly falling to Zed’s side, where it was red on white on red on white--

“W-what have I d-done--”

“Come _here_ , Shieda. Now.”

The pressing nature of Zed’s voice stopped him from losing himself to the pain slowly bubbling up within him, pain that was horrendous compared to the stinging of his face. He stiffly shuffled step by step over to where his master had the wide eye’d Tenani pinned weakly to the ground, his gaze fluttering back and forth between them like an animal trapped by a predator.

“M-Master…” Small hands reached out to the ninja’s side, and _instantly_ retracted when the male made a loud chuff of displeasure.

“Kayn, _focus_. I need you here with me… because this is very important.” Red eyes held the yellow gaze that was wavering with the threat of tears. “This man and his men hurt us, but we came to an agreement amongst men. I would tie him up and leave.”

That explained the calmness of the fighter below the other, who looked very _much_ ready to flee as Zed began to slowly get up… but not _entirely_. Instead the white haired males knee more down against both of the Tenun’s legs, keeping him against the ground--

“... But I didn’t say anything about you.”

“What?! Y-You _bastard_ , where is your honor!?” Came the immediate uproar from the captain, thrashing against the floor in his hold. “Keep your end of the bargain--!!”

“You were in no position to bargain with _me,_ Tenani.” Zed hissed in retort. “You were foolish to believe me so easily.”

“I did not _think_ you would use a _child_ against me-- specifically the one you were _raising_!! What would you have the boy do!? Would you teach him cruelty and dishonesty!?”

Zed’s eyes slid half closed.

“Shieda is to be an assassin, just like me… and we have no time for honesty or mercy. We have our _own_ code of honor. You bore weapons against him… you sought to treat him as a man. I too will now treat him just the same.” A nonchalant flick of his head as he once more turned to gaze upon his student. “Kayn, what should we do with this man? Whatever you decide shall come to be.”

Shieda’s pupils shrank as he gripped his knife so hard that his knuckles turned white. The words fell from his mouth without hesitation in a whisper,

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Release me right _now!”_ The man _screamed_ in Zed’s face, “They’ll know!! The Tenun will _know_ of what you have done here, they will tell the Brotherhood where you stand!!”

“I stand with my apprentice,” Came the dark, tired drawl from the ninja, “And if _any_ have a problem with this… they _know_ where to find us.”

Horror overcame the captain’s face; the distant, ghostly look of a man who knew he was going to die at the hands of a child he had hunted. There was no time for prayers and to beg would be to stain his soul even further-- so what would be would have to be. Tight-lipped he watched the bloody-faced boy emerge with that knife quivering in his hands and thought listlessly that perhaps the child wouldn’t do it. Perhaps courage would fail him and he would turn that strange, _empty_ gaze elsewhere… or maybe he would grant him a _quick_ death, an assassins death, a death that saw the snuffing of his life go out like a candle in the wind.

This was not the case.

Without warning Shieda stepped forth and drove that hunting knife so hard into the man's forearm that the seams of the soft leather split, and in a wave of new blood and yowling he bore his weight down upon the join of the Tenani’s arm socket.

“You… you hurt my master,” Kayn wheezed with his gaze hardening, withdrawing the knife-- it came down _again_ against the gap in the males armor, right at the crux of the other arm. “You were going to hurt me… y-you were going to take me back.”

_For everything you’ve done, and everything you’ve said..._

“That, t-that is our _duty_ \--” The pained whine from the captain rolled into a _howl_ as the blade was slashed hard against his outer thigh and _sawed_ against his flesh in a repetitive grinding motion.

_You are going to **suffer.**_

“I don’t _care_ about your duty-- you don’t deserve to _live_ for those words you spat at us!!”

_Because I am an assassin..._

Shieda calmed himself just a little as both hands now placed the blade methodically against the ground.

_... And this is **my** duty… to rid the world of people like **you**!!_

Zed watched as those small fingers began to unclip the edges of the man’s armor, not making a single sound as a quiet smirk overtook his young apprentice. Sadism? No. Those lemon-hued eyes were not blazing for the enjoyment of the kill itself, but for the excitement of taking out his anger upon something. Something living. Something that had come to bare arms against him and that had hurt him in more ways than one. Eventually that anger would lessen with every kill they made together, but who was he to deprive the child of what he had trained for? Execution, whether fatal or lax, could not be practiced upon a better target-- one that _deserved_ everything coming to him.

Of course, Zed’s guessing at the others nature was completely correct. Absolute hatred embodied every stab that the apprentice made against the man’s gut, every time he twisted the knife and spat false laughter as he bashed his head with the handle over and over and _over_ until a dent in the captain’s skull was made. As those lungs filled with blood and the screaming in pain died down into a eerie wet gurgling, Shieda hissed into the dying males ears,

“You hurt him-- you hurt him and you’re not forgiven-- I will **tear** _anyone_ who harms him from this world… _brother._ ”

Those eyes widened one last time before the light vanished from them, as slowly as the clouds rolling about the sun.

The child’s head felt like the thrum of a thousand instruments playing at once. If the world had been grey before, suddenly it was bursting with color and _happiness_ as his blade came down repeatedly against the captains chest… yes! _Yes,_ as the tension broke due to the man’s innards effectively being slashed into nothing but slurry, Kayn began to feel a heavy burden upon his head had been shifted… and it came down with every crash of the weapon upon the man. Every stab, every thrust saw the shedding of his furious nature flow away from him, and it was _exciting._ Delivering punishment onto others was _thrilling,_ because he himself _didn’t_ matter!! This was for his master, this was in _revenge_ , he couldn’t stop the words encircling his skull from flashing over and over like neon signs in the dark that only he could see,

_Are you happy, master?!_

Star-fall like morning dew collected upon the blood-spray in soft pink, dazzling and gleaming like the night sky as his little body shook with the beginnings of _laughter,_

_I did it… I did it for **you**..._

“Shieda…?”

Zed’s call caused him to look over his shoulder, eyes absolutely hazy with a thousand things the older man couldn’t see.

“... He’s dead.”

Oh, the captain had _been_ dead and was now cold, laying there with his body contorted in a large pool of red that sunk down into the ground. Kayn hadn’t noticed. Even though life had fled the body he did not want to _stop_ , he wanted to kick it and stomp it and tear it to _pieces_ \-- grinding his teeth together so manically he struggled to put the knife down-- until there was the gentlest touch at his cheek. Soft finger-pads against his blood mottled skin, and as if under a spell the knife clattered to the ground quietly as he became entranced by the cool red stare of his leader gazing right into his soul. For a moment nothing was said, and Kayn was entirely afraid to move as he watched that stare roam about his red-soaked body… and then, at last, a quiet, long sigh.

“... Hm.” Slowly, carefully, Zed came to a slow lay against the grass upon his back that saw Shieda rushing to his side in an instant, peering over him with those strange eyes now wider and much more frightened than before. “... Your first kill was a massacre.”

“Master…?” Kayn whispered, his unstable amalgamation of emotions causing his voice to waver. “... Is that a bad thing?”

“No, but I suppose you’re something akin to a man now… metaphorically speaking.”

“... I do not feel like a man. I feel like…” He wished desperately to say like he was being tugged by nothingness in four different directions, but instead chose to squeak-- “W-Wait!! Your injury!”

“... I’ll be fine, I’m sure.” The master said ever so casually. “Those arrows are blunt-headed but light, used for injury and incapacitation. I’ll live.”

“S-So why are you laying on the ground like you’re about to die!?” The explosion of noise from his apprentices mouth caused the older male to tire ever so slightly.

“... Beside this path of dead horses and men, can you lay down next to me, Kayn?”

Shieda felt like he was about to explode.

He didn’t _understand_. Was it a trick? No, surely the master could not be messing with his mind-- but why would they lay upon the grass beside the bodies of those they had slain when someone could come up the road at any moment and witness everything!? Kayn felt himself becoming frantic again, but as hazy as the instructions made him feel and as worried as the ovals spiraling just out of sight were making him feel, the hallucinating teenager threw himself down upon his back… and stared directly into the graying sky. Things were flying that should not have been, as if the ghosts of the dead were spiraling up to disappear into the decaying blue and out of sight, but he did not voice this aloud. None would ever hear of the things he saw or heard that seemed like they were from a world beyond even the shadow’s hellish scape.

All was quiet for a long stretch of minutes… before beside him, his master said gently,

“Death all around… and Ionia still moves.” That soft tone made Shieda feel strange. “She breathes and ebbs and flows, as if her creatures do not lie upon the stone… Runeterra still turns, and with it comes the changing of the sky.”

“...” Kayn let his vision fall to the side, head tipping just a little, in order to observe the blades of grass fluttering against his arm… it was dappled with red, but even that had dulled and cracked upon the emerald surface. The wind caressed the carpet of green so gently about them that Shieda forgot about the sky and its dazzling lights, about the twisting and turning of strange shapes. Instead, he focused upon his master, whose eyes were closed beneath the fluff of that strange white hair. As if sensing those yellow eyes upon him the ninja suddenly spoke,

“Shieda?”

“--Yes, master?”

“Have you come back to this world; has your heart stopped racing and your mind stopped its tumbling?”

Kayn blinked in sudden acknowledgement, realizing then what the purpose of them laying there had served--

“...Yes.”

_... Somehow… you know._

Worry could not overcome him. Worry, in fact, was instantly _banished_ by the feeling of the others palm against his skull, weakly patting his head in a repetitive motion that made Kayn immediately gasp-- absolute adoration exploded within him, a storm concealed within the vessel of a child so deathly still that he was but a statue then--

“... You did well, Shieda… I’m proud of you.” A loud grunt, and that hand was upon the boys head _again--_ but this time it was actually _halting_ his movement. It had stopped the teen mid-movement as he attempted to get his arms around Zed. “You can hug me… once we’ve shoved these bodies to the side, and once I am not impaled by an arrow.”

_... Everything had been so hard to deal with yet… yet you’re still here for me. You make me feel wanted. I know I’m broken, I know I’m not perfect, but still… you praise me._

“S-Sorry, master. I-I’ll go start-- sit here, I’ll do it all myself.”

_Even when I’m angry then happy then worried then sad, I look at your face and you’re smiling back at me, like I’m not an experiment gone wrong._

Shieda quivered, dead body in his arms as he dragged it along the floor, and stopped moving in order to try to stop himself from _sobbing_ his eyes out--

_I can’t keep it in-- your kindness--_

The legs of the man were suddenly lifted up by a slightly wobbly Zed, looking as white as his hair, not at all mentioning the others crying as he looked to the edge of the road. It would take about a half hour to move the bodies; they would exclude the horses, hoping some savage animal would come to feast at the smell of blood. Kayn couldn’t take his eyes off of his master, transfixed by everything that the other man was.

_I’ll, I’ll do anything for you; I’ll kill a thousand men. More, even. No-one will ever hurt you again, for I **will** be there to punish them--_

As gentle as the breeze, through the chattering of his teeth and the swell of tears,

“I-I love you, master.”

_\--Because I love you more than I love living._

Zed let that same easy yet rare smile slide back upon his face, a sympathetic gaze cast down upon his weeping apprentice.

“I love you too, Shieda.”

* * *


	14. Algae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had a chapter switcheroo and really wanted to write this one!  
> kayn is such a good little doctor  
> if he didnt want to POKE SO MUCH
> 
> enjoy!! <3 thank you for all the comments i love them!! <3

* * *

Zed felt like his body was melting into the ground itself.

Laying flat upon a mat within a medical room at the monastery, he felt himself being driven stir crazy by the incessant manner in which his leg was harming him. See, this was a man that was not foreign to scars, and whilst out doing recon work at a town that was supposedly ‘abandoned’ his uncharacteristically clumsy footing had seen just a single fumble; the earth was soft and gave way underfoot. This had left him with nothing more than a long, curled indent that had barely bled, was only somewhat deep, and literally hadn’t been paid any attention. The scouting continued. The rain made that dirt softer and mud slowly came up to his ankles, and before the ninja noticed he was drenched in water and muck and his clothes were hanging from him, desperately clinging to his skin.

Going home was uneventful. Bath time was uneventful. The day _after_ however he had awoken to a slight _off_ feeling, as if some kind of spectral sunlight was warming the pale plains of his skin… but outside the rain was pattering against the ground quietly. It was no heat of nature but his very own leg red, raw and sore from infection that was quickly causing green and yellow to line the edges of his flesh. With a weary sigh and thinking very little of it (it was not as if infections were uncommon in his line of work), Zed simply waltzed into the medics room and asked for some salve and a light bandage-- Telee, the Shadow orders then medical officer, had also brushed it off as something that would naturally heal without cause for any concern. With the rolling of his shoulders the master left to attend to his annoying child and the rest of the acolytes for sparring, moving as if nothing had ever broken his skin in the first place.

And then the next day came.

It wasn’t the wound itself that hurt, it was simply that his body was feverish and disorientated and he cursed the very waters he had slogged through to get home; Zed was not as young as he once was… every time he got a new injury he was reminded of how his body was aging and not as fast as it once was at destroying the problems it could faced. Before the soft summer haze that had sent his skin prickling was now almost unbearable, like the roof had split and desert sunlight was crashing against him in waves. Sweating profusely despite the grey sky outside of his window the ninja stiffly and quietly bore himself down upon an examination mat and begrudgingly allowed Telee to stuff him with foul tasting medicine until the fever went down-- until then? He did not wish to allow his students to see him melting upon the floor of the medic bay in just his shorts, feeling quite like the recon mission was not worth two days of inaction.

‘Don’t let anyone come in’ had been the orders relayed, but somehow those words meant nothing to Kayn. Nothing at _all._ It had been a half day of people combating his little shadow to try and keep away from him, either trying to distract him or simply guarding the door sternly, but when the night fell and everyone was at rest none would think that a child would readily get himself up at two am to accost a sick man in bed! Surely, if one _cared_ about the health of their leader, they would leave him alone to heal…! Zed’s eyes snapped open the minute he heard shuffling, and awoke to find the room not only candle lit but to find Shieda was the one _doing_ the candle lighting! He could not groan and would not yell, for it was not out of spite or out of clinginess that drove Shieda to search about for him relentlessly. He knew that any mention of him being ‘sick’ would have instantly caused the young boys mind to go wild with terrible, dread-filled thoughts of the older males demise, and it was _that_ that saw the fretful Shieda keen to confirm that his leader was not upon death’s door.

“Go to bed, Shieda…” Zed hoped the subtle strength in his voice would convince Kayn that he was quite _definitely_ not dying, but it had little effect.

“MASTER!!”

Immediately Kayn was scuttling to his side and bending down with swift intent, yellow eyes moon-like as the twelve year olds gaze pinned the bandage at the others leg… that stare was akin to a spaniel pointing out its prey, but as it was Zed’s own _leg_ , he was critically aware that it was the thing causing him trouble.

“Bed, Kayn. You shouldn’t be up… or in here.” The master sighed, raising an arm to press it against his smouldering forehead. “Telee will tell you off.”

“I don’t _care_ about what Telee says or does.” Came the somewhat aggressive snap-- Kayn rectified it immediately by saying in a more _polite_ tone, “I mean, you’re the master, so…”

“Then I’m ordering you to go to bed.”

“But I can’t sleep.”

“Try again.”

“I can’t, master, not while you’re in here.” Shieda came to a stand as if he hadn’t just been _ordered_ to leave the room, hurried about the males body and then came to another squat beside his leg now… the child began staring at it again as if this would change anything about the wound. Zed watched him carefully, awaiting an explanation for the others behaviour. Nothing came. He supposed it was another one of the mounting list of ‘Kayn things’ that the kid did that had no explanation or reason to them.

“Staring at it won’t… make it go away.” The man wheezed with the world canting about him, propping himself up a little to stare flatly at the child. “It really isn’t anything serious, Kayn. I’ll be fine in a day-- _don’t_.”

Zed watched in mild internal terror as Shieda made to tear a strip of tape off and reveal the wound, jumping up into the air the moment the males voice suddenly came at the same depth as any usual command--

“M-Master, I know this sounds super strange, and forgive me if doesn’t seem believable or if it is weird…”

The ninja knew no good admission in the history of anywhere had ever started with such words.

“... Go on…”

“... But I actually know a few things about injuries and stuff!” There was excitement in the young boy’s voice, and it made it _very_ difficult for Zed to raise his eyebrow in minor surprise. It wasn’t that he thought his young apprentice was lying, it was more that he didn’t really _need_ the ‘medical expertise’ of a twelve year old at gone two am in the morning… but, as patient as he always was, the shadow ninja tipped his head forward to indicate that the student could keep talking. This, of course, thrilled Shieda.

“So when, back-- back in Noxus, they were always doing medical things on us.” There had been a pause of uncertainty-- it was very clear that Kayn was attempting to purposefully leave out broad details of his past in order to not spur the conversation in that direction. “Check ups and things, master, with all kinds of machines. If anyone got sick, even one person, then we _all_ had to have a check up. Sometimes we even got checked when we weren’t sick.”

Zed immediately bit his tongue, remembering the anorexic and lice-riddled state he had found Kayn in, mind becoming stormy with repressed anger. None of it showed upon his face, but there were unsaid insults towards the horrid overseas nation that were bitterly swallowed down instead of spoken aloud… that child had been nothing but bones barely held together with skin, if Noxus had been doing so many ‘health check ups’ with their little battalion of child soldiers then _why_ were the children so _sick_ mentally and physically--

 _No._ The man took a deep breath, _This isn’t the time to get angry._

“And… how does this make you a medic of any sort?” He spoke instead with a grimace, careful with his words, the question allowing Shieda to reveal as little as he wished about his hellish past. Kayn paused. The stretch of silence between them was fast growing dark with the threat of secrets kept, but just _as_ carefully Shieda replied,

“Not… not a medic, _but._ Uhhh,” The child’s fingertips pressed together as he visibly searched for the right thing to say, “Ok, sometimes we had to fix things ourselves. Um, without a teacher. So, we learned how to do stuff on our own, in case we ever needed it in a battle.”

_Only Noxus would force their children to learn how to handle mortal wounds._

Zed felt his shoulders and lip rising with the threat of a snarl as the words pulled darkness over his already worsening mood. How he _hated_ hearing what had occurred overseas, in a place of iron and fire, where no-one had seemed to care about lost children being groomed by sadists and mad-men. The moment Shieda caught sight of the expression his master was wearing his hands began to flicker too and fro in a waving motion to try and placate him--

“Anyway!! That doesn’t matter, what _matters_ is that I know how to _fix_ things, master.”

_It **does** matter, Shieda..._

“I do not need fixing.” The change in the leader’s mood was extremely readable as he forced himself back down, eyes slipping shut as a new wave of heat overcame him to mingle with the lingering sickness. Even that simple act of sitting up slightly made him feel a nauseating degree of dizziness, the ceiling doubling within his vision. “I appreciate your kindness… but… sleeping is a good cure for most things.”

Silence.

The master knew he wasn’t going to get rid of Kayn any time soon. Part of him was _frustrated_ and _annoyed_ , but only because of the infection making him cranky and nothing more; Shieda was _always_ intrusive and it never bothered him a lick. Zed would always fold under the other simply because it was easy to pity the little creature whose life was wholly devoted to him and him alone. The leader’s mind roamed back to a time even earlier than then, a time where he had been training the child to sleep alone in his room instead of idly wandering into his at strange times beneath the moonlight. It had gotten so bizarrely out of hand that it was suggested (by Telee herself, no less) that Kayn’s door be locked in order to give him a physical barrier-- others feared he would howl those walls down like the wolves at the star-burned sky… but nothing. When he opened the door in the morning Shieda was still in there and no reports of noises had been heard.

But those _eyes._

The boy was too young to explain what came for him in the dark, too uneducated to understand why being alone when the night fell meant light would come blazing through bars that no longer existed. Little animals creeped. Metal rattled. Zed would never allow that room to be locked again, and he never asked for an explanation from Shieda, who he took into his arms and allowed to weep silently for as long as he wanted.

It wasn’t a normal child’s fear of the dark. It was separation anxiety.

Kayn needed… protection from something no-one else could see; and only found comfort in his masters side.

Some would call Zed ‘weak’ for bending so easily to a child's will, but if they knew how he wept at night, how he trembled at invisible sights or how he worked himself up into a breathless and pale state then they would not tut at him so… and he no longer _cared_ what they thought of their relationship. These were no calls for attention nor brattish behavior, for Shieda was not an entitled child; he was almost consistently happy with the _bare minimum_ of any physical need that could be thrust in his direction and never begged for more… and for this reason Zed began to push himself upwards until he was sitting up, eyes half lidded, hair clinging to his face with sweat as he suppressed a coming shiver.

_I made a vow to be there for you… and you are just trying to be there for me, right?_

Those sunshine eyes were upon him from the door, swimming with uncertainty.

“Come here, Shieda… show me what you have learnt.”

_Your efforts will not be dashed away._

With an audible gasp the enthusiastic Shieda immediately burst into action, hands coming together in a soft clap as he turned to the counter, a counter he was only _just_ tall enough to see over. The older of the two watched silently with slight admiration at just how determined this little creature was.

“I promise, master, I know things--” Kayn’s pitched voice was almost desperate for the other to believe him, “--There a lot of things I _don’t_ know, but these things, definitely.”

The child's first port of call was a range of equipment seated upon the counter-top. There was nothing dangerous nor capable of inflicting injury upon the tired adult upon the ground (as far as he could phantom, at least) and thus Zed was not surprised when Shieda simply dragged the entire medical kit down from its resting place. Heavy and situated within a wooden briefcase locked with golden claspers, the Shadow order had paid a very modest amount for tools that would not fail them should a nasty situation arise. These were not toys, but he knew that Kayn would not break them; even if he _was_ he was playing pretend at the end of it all it didn’t mean he was suddenly clumsy.

The first tool he decided to ‘use’ was the stethoscope. Unlike the modern world tool it was a tapered rod with a polished bronze bell at the end of it, and unlike any real doctor Shieda did _not_ put it against his master’s chest and instead put it against his forehead instead.

“....” A sudden wave of despair overcame the Shadow leaders master, who watched almost sadly as his student tried to hear anything. Well. “... Shieda…”

“Oh, I know it doesn’t go here! I just always wanted to try this.”

“... Try what?”

“Listening for little noises, like thoughts… but I don’t hear anything at all.”

“Are you insinuating I don’t think?” Ah, the older male had to try furiously hard not to let his lips form a smirk upon his face at the squawk of alarm his student made--

“N-No master!! I’d never in- si- you- ate that at all!”

_He doesn’t know what that word means._

Ha, even though he felt like he was being burned from the world by arid heat, something about the little interaction and the others innocence made him feel… a touch better. Zed would always enjoy Kayn acting childish, curious and investigative, and this would be no exception; could he afford to be _silly_ in this moment…? A weighing of the pros and cons, the con being he had little to no energy left and finding it would be exhausting itself… but the pros would perhaps be lovely enough for none of that to matter. Some small part of himself was entirely _fed up_ with his _own_ eagerness to try, but there was one truth that rang clear no matter how he felt--

Parent’s did _not_ stop being parents just because they were sick.

Zed tipped his head to the side as he watched Kayn stick the tool against the left side of his ribs, listening far more intently now… as if there was anything to hear beside the thudding of his heart beat.

“... What are you listening for now?”

“Shhh, master. You can’t talk.”

And so he didn’t.

Zed watched in absolute silence as the other began doing a series of things to him, none of which hurt, but things that made him question the others ulterior motives. There was the poking of his stomach against the softer parts at either side of his rigid abdominal muscles that ended with a light pinching, the forced bending of his uninjured leg twice as if the other was testing joint strength, and the brandishing of a glass stick-- it was pointed squarely at his face.

“Ok, now open your mouth.”

“...”

The ninja wished to state that his sickness had nothing to do with this end of his body, but complied as his jaw was jammed open and the other stared critically at the back of his throat with soft ‘hmm’ noises. Zed managed to make an opened mouth growling noise the moment Kayn extended a finger as if he was readying to poke something within there, and with a short snickering Shieda immediately put his hand down, eyes glinting with strange intent. What he wanted to touch was _beyond_ him, but the master took little pleasure in the thought of having a child’s hand in his mouth. When the male was free to click his jaws together again he allowed that hand to come back to his head, where it stayed against his forehead for but a brief moment before sliding upwards ever so tentatively, locks of his pearl white hair poking out in a disorderly manner between the young ones fingers… the boy looked far less critical then and more overjoyed.

Watching the other toy with him so led Zed to believe that Shieda simply derived pleasure from touching him-- no, not any kind of sexual or devious pleasure-- but the same kind one would obtain from perhaps petting a cat or dog that rarely allowed itself to be subjected to soft attention. He was completely aware of the others tactile nature and oft found that if Kayn could touch him he would, small hands poking or patting or grabbing at him like a baby to a stuffed animal. It was… strange, but it was cute in its own way. This was a being that had been presumably raised with absolutely nothing in the way of body contact, and now--

“Ok, ok. I have come to a conclusion.” Shieda sat back on his knees, expression suddenly extremely serious. “You are running a minor fever due to a surface wound injury that got infected, either at the point of contact or later, ‘cuz the wet weather carries a lot of nasty things, and it’s still raining, so. You have only had that dressing changed once, because none of your leg hair has been ripped out from the tape, and because of the location of the dressing I think it was an accident and _not_ an attack because there is nothing else worth attacking in that area _and_ , and you are fine everywhere else.”

Zed squinted a little in quiet disbelief. And so Kayn continued, leaning in a little,

“When dirt and stuff gets in wounds the body gets hot to try and kill all the bad things, so you should probably take a warm bath at some point. Cold baths only increase body temperature but warm ones actually can help draw away heat from the body.”

“….”

_You cannot read and can only write your name yet you’re able to deduce things like this?_

“You didn’t believe me at all, did you, master?” A short pout, “I _told_ you I know about things like this!”

“Yes, but you have _never_ shown any medical insight before.” Zed reasoned, trying to search his head for a time that he had? Nothing sprang up. Nothing at all.

“Well, no, because usually someone else is looking after either me or you. But now _I’m_ looking after you,” Spoken sheepishly with the pads of his fingers pressing together, “So I had a reason to use what I’ve been taught.”

“Do you know how to change a dressing…?”

“I do-- let me do that for you!!”

Of course Zed knew how to do it himself, but this was a surprise…! What _else_ did Kayn know about that he hadn’t told his master about? The adult was perplexed at the others diagnosing abilities that he had actually forgotten the way the fever itself made his head swim and instead became filled with eagerness to pry-- could he have become angry again at the outpouring of this knowledge when this child could barely function as a normal human being half the time? _Yes_ , for there was no reason a twelve year old should possess such analytical capabilities yet not know how basic concepts such as cooking or the spending of money worked-- Zed searched his memories frantically to try and remember what the highest number that Kayn knew was, and the word ‘thirty two’ came forth. Thirty two!

This child couldn’t _count_ yet was able to tell him what exactly was wrong with him without any prior knowledge…! It made the leader want to obsess at how _wrong_ that was, but he would _not_ let that frustration bubble to the surface… instead, as the kid came to a sit beside his injured leg, Zed’s voice came with none of the apprehensiveness of before.

“That is ok… you’re a good boy, Kayn.” A quick nodding of his head. “Very smart.”

“I am?”

“Mhm. It is useful to know these things… though you have _my_ curiosity now-- what _else_ do you know that you haven’t mentionED--”

The pitch of the older males voice rose because the little scoundrel had _ripped_ the medical tape off of him in surprise, his own expression startled. Ah, so there were more secrets hiding in the shadows… understandable. There was no normal young teen in the world that let their parents know everything, but the shadow master was nosy and quite liked to know _everything._ Grimacing slightly at the gnarly yellow that the wound had turned, now glistening in the open air and highlighted with angry, blotchy skin, Zed bided his time as he watched the gears physically turn in his apprentices head. Kayn was rarely quiet, but now, tasked with his own free will to reveal whatever he _wanted_ to reveal, he had become apprehensive as those little hands delicately swabbed the pus away…

“... Um…”

“If it stresses you, Shieda, you do not need to give me an answer.” A lilt of the head, “You have earned that freedom.”

The little one thankfully had the luxury of time on his side. When the swabbing was over and the white had been stained terrible colors, he mumbled ‘this will hurt’ beneath his breath and began to swap a mixture of diluted alcohol and sea-salt against the barely scabbed mess, almost expecting his master to jump… alas, Zed did not. Such pain was nothing to him anymore, and he was far more busy watching a moth flutter about the candle light in order to keep his gaze from baring down upon the poor, pondering child. The others admissions and actions had stole away the leaders attention entirely from the phantom sun and the arid heat, and though exhaustion still cold be felt thick in his muscles the eagerness to learn simply wouldn’t allow Zed to roll over and lament at his physical state. This was a distraction, a _good_ distraction.

When Kayn next spoke, trying to keep that daffodil-hued gaze away from him, the incident only became curiouser still;

“If you promise not to get angry… I’ll say some stuff, ok?”

He neatly bit off the last tab of tape and pressed it firmly against the adults burning skin, leaving a white indent and a fresh bandage in his wake. Without further worry, he gathered up the nastier objects that wore the marks of infection and trashed them. Zed’s gaze thinned ever so gently against the others back as he begun searching the side for something else, something just out of reach--

“... I won’t.”

So this was to be another terror-tale from Noxus then, as if such things were _ever_ positive or filled him with anything but dread. Still, the little one would not be denied his time to talk, and awaiting a physical prompt from Zed Shieda suddenly barked out _very_ quickly,

“I learned a lot when I was sick, once. Really sick, master. As in, couldn’t get out of bed sick… I really thought I was gonna’ die.”

“... I see.”

Already the master did not like where this story was going. It must have shown in the down-turning of his lips as he watched Kayn peer at him in a fretful manner, now with a glass much akin to a stout jam-jar in his hands. Within it was the foul smelling innards of the seh’ya tree, a ever-cool occupant of the north which was often gutted for its icy salve, highly sought after yet rarely reached due to treacherous terrain. Busying himself for but a few brief moments in silence, the child brought a short towel dabbed in said mixture against his care-takers brow ever so carefully-- and it felt like _heaven._ Smelt like urine, yes, but if smelling like piss was the sacrifice that needed to be made in order to feel like one wasn’t burning, so be it!

As Zed felt the wildfires of his mind doused by northern winds, reduced to nothing but tepid ashes, he blankly wondered why his own _medic_ hadn’t provided him with such a thing… well, he _had_ ordered her and anyone away without a second thought, an action done in a cranky episode, but still! A curt ‘hm!’ of appreciation was uttered before the man laid down upon his back with a great sigh. Of course, Shieda immediately began panicking.

“M-Master??”

“... The mat is cool, too.” Came Zed’s wistful, soft voice. Now, like before, he felt as if he was melting back into the ground… but in a way that made the world feel sleepy and slow. He would not dare to actually sleep while his apprentice was in the room with lit candles and the threat of an interesting detail from the others' past in the air, but everything felt so much more comfortable in that moment. “Stop working… I want to hear the rest of your story.”

A command. Immediately the little medic set his wares down and came to sit upon his knees before the other, shyly curling his hands in his lap. Something unsaid, evident in the stiffness of the others body language, and Zed addressed it quietly without needing Kayn to say anything.

“... Do you want to lay down, too?”

“... Can I?”

The masters lips twitched into a smirk as he relinquished one of his pillows, batting it gently in the direction of the other. Some mild excitement roused the child’s spirit, and inching ever so slightly closer he came to lay upon his side with those scrawny arms about the fluffy object, his master in turn hauling himself weakly onto his side so that he could face him. If that useless body of his was not so _terrible_ at fighting off whatever teeny-tiny creatures dwelt within the waters… then perhaps this would be akin to a poor man’s version of a sleep-over. The thought of Shieda occupied by other children and surrounded with gentle quilts and laughter was nothing but a dream, but in this terrible world, this was just about as close to ‘softness’ as they could get.

“Go on, then.” Zed gave his little shadow his full attention, the unofficial setting surrounding them doing wonders for the child’s confidence. “You were really sick once.”

“Ah! Yes! Master, I was so sick I had _things_ in my mouth… but also in my neck, and a few days went by and I did not notice at all.” A contemplative look came about him, the tragedy of such an occurrence having absolutely no effect upon his psyche. “I was asleep, but not _really_ asleep. It was sore… everywhere was hurting a lot and I couldn’t breathe at all. I was alone when I woke up, though the guards took the things out of me and then left me alone for a few days after to ‘get better’. They told me I had an algee.”

“Algee…” Algae? The sprawling water plant?

“Yeah, to something called mold. It grows on food, and it looks sort of purple and green and white and grey.”

Zed’s expression deadpanned.

“You have an _allergy_ to mold.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing!” The master didn’t know why Shieda spoke this with such enthusiasm, his squeaky voice loud. “So after that I got special food. It didn’t have any mold, so I wouldn’t get sick again.”

“Do you… know what mold _is?_ ” The male almost didn’t want to ask, and by the blank expression that Kayn was giving him, he had absolutely no clue. This did not stop the child from losing himself in thought nonetheless.

“Um…”

“... Like my leg, Kayn. All the horrible white and yellow pieces, all the infection-- it is that… but on food.”

Shieda gave a full body shudder and pressed his face into the pillow solemnly, giving a guttural groan of disgust. His master’s eyes were sympathetic, the older male making a key note of the vital information before huffing ever so softly. Well, it wasn’t _exactly_ the same, but it was an easier metaphor than anything else he could conjure up in his state.

“I hate that… ewww!! I hate that a lot!!” That little fist was beaten against the ground in anger, “I didn’t eat a lot at all after that, master! I was afraid, like maybe even the _special_ food would make me almost _die_ again!”

Zed nonchalantly extended a curled finger to poke gently at the others midsection through his shirt,

“You were so skinny in the beginning… but not so much any more.” Breath left him in the way of a sort of chuckle, watching the others body curl away from him like a cat in surprise at the sudden contact. “You eat lots now, don’t you…?”

“Because you wouldn’t feed me infection-food!”

That smile… in the face of that smile the master of the Shadow Order realized that this was a sort of medicine of his own; all of that loathing and frustration prior had simply vanished into thin-air, leaving him with almost… a cozy feeling. It was warm within, but not because of the sickness, no, that sickness seemed to be so far flung from him now that that mind of his, once so _consumed_ with thinking about how stupid the whole situation was, was now filled with a kind of minute happiness that came with having a loved one put so much faith in him. This feeling had come before, but only with Kayn. He remembered little of his time with Shen back in the days of the old regime, where Kusho’s power remained intact and open and he had been forced to train daily-- there had never been any of _this._ Just… talking. He never trusted that wily old man with his secrets, fearful of how that power would be wielded against him, yet Shieda, though apprehensive at first (only due to the threat of his master’s anger towards Noxus!) could tell him something so _dire_ without such fears.

It meant something. It meant that he was raising this one in the opposite manner to how Kusho had ‘raised’ _him,_ and knowing that was almost worth getting injured in the first place.

“I wouldn’t dare, Shieda.” An open palm found the others head and began petting him heavily, just the way he liked it. Zed remembered when the others skull had been shaved clean, now replaced by fluffy, straight locks that almost _constantly_ looked messy no matter how much he took a brush to the other. “You need to grow and get stronger… and maybe teach _me_ some of your newly unearthed medical knowledge.”

“Can I? Can I really teach you something, master?” Kayn’s eyes sparkled as he shot up into a sitting position, looking absolutely overjoyed that he’d get the privilege. “I can tell you lots of things!”

A rumble rolled about the adults chest as he too slowly drew himself into a sit… of course he himself knew a fair few things about the medical field, but it would not hurt to play dumb for the others sake. No, now that he felt so shorn of the cloudy haze that had once made its home in his head he did not want to lay down and wait for wellness, when those were hours he could spend with his apprentice instead--!

“I can do a lot of things, too. I want to touch the thing in your mouth to see what happens.”

“I do not know what thing you are referring to, but you’re not touching it.”

“But I have the stick.” Shieda raised the glass rod hopefully, shuffling forward. Feeling a little self conscious about _whatever_ the thing was, Zed asked cautiously;

“What does it look like…?”

“Uhhh.” … Kayn became somewhat frazzled trying to find a description. “Like a dangly thing waaaay at the back.”

_Oh. That thing. The..._

“...”

“...”

“... I do not know what it’s called.”

The child hunched, getting ready to pounce him with a strange grin upon his face and the rod glowing orange from the candle light,

“Well, let's find out _together!_ ”

* * *


	15. Good day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohoho, this is one of those chapters where i hint at things here and there but i never really go into them, AHA  
> this chapters alternative name is 'kayn trying not to be a bastard'  
> i had a lot of fun writing more dialogue than usual for this one!!  
> thank you again for all your comments and kudos, i love reading them!! <3  
> ps; its not zeds fault majorly when it comes to kayn unable to talk to people, its a messy mix of a lot of things.  
> i think he just blames himself because hes so protective; when you only have one child you tend to become a mother hen about them.  
> zed is a mother hen 100%.   
> doesnt help that your little chick is a sociopath due to noxus, either.

Sometimes, when Kayn peered into a mirror, he saw storms and darkness and conflict lingering in the lines of his own form. But sometimes… he saw the perfect weapon reflected back.

It wasn’t a fault to _know_ you looked good. Long dark hair kissed by a sliver of blue, chiseled abs, thick arms, vivid eyes and a cutting jawline; yes, Shieda was incredibly aware that he was handsome in ways that made girls swoon, but with just enough femininity to make even straight men question what _exactly_ their preferences were. He himself never spoke about what he preferred, for the gender of a partner mattered little to him-- not because he was open minded about the genders of any human being that would happen to be allured by his charm.

It just simply didn’t _matter_ at all.

No-one mattered (bar Zed, of course, the center of his world). It wasn’t a matter of looks or gender or genitalia, it was a matter of skill, and there was _no-one_ that matched him outside of the order… and thus, none would even get a lick of emotion from the nineteen year old, so pretty and alluring to all and yet so far from their grasp, just a being behind a wall of glass to stare at and nothing more. And they _stared_ all right. Open mouthed, shy, hungry. He had seen it all, and it took little more than his strong hands dancing about the fringes of his long hair for them to regard him like a canine to a bone, almost drooling for the chance to _talk_ to him! And how _lovely_ that was, he that was unwanted for so _long_ was now wanted so desperately by the commoners and elites alike! Ah, but he was no rose with thorns.

Looking _good_ was a weapon unto itself.

He was a _knife_ barely held together by threads of beauty that concealed how terrible he was, how coldly he regarded their gawking internally. Rats. Dogs. Idiots. So simple mindedly trailing behind him, chasing the scent of him as they remained blissfully unaware that Kayn was simply _toying_ with them. It gave him some kind of rush to have so much power over people, and laughing at their lack of wills made him feel better about his own impulsive tendencies. Being handsome was not a matter of finding a partner no more than it wasn’t an ego-boost or an internal desire to shine-- it was a _trap_. He did not smile because he loved _himself_ , those fanged grins split his lips because he _knew_ he could use this against others.

Of course, however, there was one person that saw through that delicate facade…

“I do not think you should wear that.”

Kayn span himself around on the spot with a crooked smile on his face; he was wearing black slack pants that _barely_ clung to his hip bones in their dangerous low-ness, with his top half adorned in something that likewise covered nothing and was akin to a sort of shimmering midnight blue shawl that only covered the tops of his arms, its tail just shy of the base of the young man’s spine. It matched the chord of his belt, a belt that was absolutely not functional. Of course Kayn was _always_ topless in the field, but it was because of how easy shadow-walking became when uninhibited by armor; but when going into towns…? It was too flashy. To attention grabby. Much to his displeasure, Shieda waltzed over to his bed to put simple blue low-lying shoes on, making the older male notice that his young apprentice was wearing a black-silver beaded ankle bracelet--

“Kayn.”

“Master, if it’s ok to say, I am a little too _old_ for you to be… _alarmed_ by my choice of clothing.” Shieda spoke carefully, watching the others gaze become cold. “I’ll be fine.”

“We are not supposed to be having eyes on us.” Zed grunted without any kind of amusement, his own attire being a simple red v-neck with beige trimmings, a black jacket and black pants. Absolutely ordinary. “We are supposed to be blending in; and you are far too overdressed for where we are going.”

As the curtain of his long hair spilled over his shoulders, Shieda was about to rebuke his masters comment when he realized that there was no point. Only one of his eyes was visible as he idly touched the end of a coiled lock-- the stretch of silence between them was quite obviously Kayn thinking of ways to get away with playing his games and Zed already coming up with answers.

“Well… if half of the journey is rural, there won’t be anyone to look, right?” There was a sort of boyish enthusiasm about the exclamation, an emotion that his master only ever saw. “Besides, it isn’t like anyone is going to say or do anything to me.”

“If anyone touched you I don’t know what I’d do, Shieda.”

“I know what I’d do.” Kayn got quietly to his feet and raised his hands in an eccentric manner, miming breaking something in half. “I’d snap one hand, and then I’d snap the other. They’d never be able to touch anything _again_ , because I’d tear them _both_ right off. I’d put a foot on their chest and push with it, pulling with my own hands; and their shoulders would probably dislocate violently!”

“...”

Zed waited for Shieda to break out of his intense huffing, eyes violent, the room almost darkening in response as the shadows gathered… it happened often, and the strange mood usually fled when the other gave a great sigh. Others would possibly panic by the sudden and terrifying onset of violence from such a beautiful creature, but there was never any reason for the leader to be worried about it.

“Ehhhh…” It came on cue, with Kayn’s shoulders slacking. “Let me guess; I cannot go about breaking peoples wrists.”

“... It depends on where they touched you.”

Zed was not afraid of Kayn’s violence, no, but the other way around…? Shieda shrank on the spot under the might of the others glinting gaze, the stoic rigidity that surrounded that dangerous glare powerful enough to make his heart skip.

“L… Let’s not worry about anything like that, master. It’s only two stops; we’ll be so fast no-one will have the time to catch us in conversation.”

Zed’s unblinking stare hadn’t changed; it remained oppressive and steady, his way of telling the other that it simply was not going to happen. Instead of rebelling against his masters wishes the man slinked subserviently over to the dresser and pulled out a thin grey t-shirt--

“Can I at _least_ keep the pants?”

“Yes, but I’d like you to wear a belt rather than have one for ornamental value.”

“Yes, master.” It was almost grumbled. “This belt wouldn’t fit my new color scheme anyway… and now I have to change shoes, too.”

“Don’t _pout_ at me, Kayn.”

In a way it was endearing. His master was very protective, very closeted about certain parts of adult life when it came to his student. Drinking, no. Sex, no. Not even _kissing_ was considered, not that Shieda himself ever wanted to do such a thing; but given his age, should he not have the freedom to do it if he _wanted_ to…? Zed was his guard dog, perfectly content to let his student off the leash when it came to missions and combat, never batting an eye at murder or mayhem, but when it came to normal life outside of that it was a different story. They were both critically aware that the sheltered youth had little to no experience in the field of actual life skills, and could barely be trusted with fetch tasks due to his curious and somewhat disturbing nature. Shieda simply could not be trusted with the common crowd in his eyes.

Zed knew that it was his fault the other was so jarring to ‘normal’ people… but there was nothing that could be done now.

Tossing the shawl for the shirt and pulling it over his head (in a way that was almost brattish), Zed watched him in a deadpan manner as he changed shoes for more hard-wearing black flats--

“Ca--”

“Did you know harlots wear bracelets like that at night? It is so that customers can find them easier, for most people do not automatically look down at the ankles.” The master stated in a matter-of-fact manner, balled fists meeting his hips as that strict gaze thinned. Kayn gave a single snicker, moved to shove a hand between his teeth, and then said quietly with a tight voice,

“M-Master, why do you know something like that?”

Shieda had never seen his caretaker's face go so red before. It took mere moments for the white haired ninja to exhale a single huff, flushed pink scrawled from cheek to cheek as that gravel-like tone became louder,

“It is _common_ knowledge, Kayn. Are you _insinuating_ something?”

Zed was met with his students soft chuckling, the younger man curling downwards to remove the offending article of clothing with grace. Personally, _he_ had saw it as a trap; when people looked down at it to inspect it they would not be looking at the location of his hands… a lovely diversion, especially when its silver caught the light so nicely. Shieda came to a light stand, gave a gentle twirl, and then held out his arms enthusiastically-- and that _almost_ saw his pants immediately slipping down his hip-bones--

“ _Belt_ ,” He hissed in alarm, reaching to change it before his pants clean fell down in front of his idol… not a good look, and possibly a life altering event that would have scarred them both for a while. Notching the new one through the loops, he tied it securely and made sure the other _saw_ him tie it tight--

“Do I look... less like a prostitute now, master?” Sassily spoken! He was always careful not to push the other too far (for the others nature and their master-student dynamic did not lend itself well to joking), but it was _hard_ when the prior subject matter had made the older man so… _ruffled._

Zed’s expression was absolutely devoid of humor, naturally.

“You’re in a mood.” Grunted quietly. A ‘mood’ was the older ninja’s way of saying the other was being somewhat… manic. “... Be on your best behaviour.”

“Understood, master.”

A respectful bow, the grabbing of his satchel, and the usual following of his care-taker out the door…

… Oh, he was in a _mood_ alright.

A new settlement! New people to torment! Why, Shieda wasn’t sure if it was the summer haze or the fact he was actually being allowed to accompany his master on a supply trip, but whatever pent-up excitement within him was coming loose in the form of _silliness._ He felt spry and whimsical, playful and curious, eyes darting about the low hanging branches of trees which were filled with the reds and yellows of tutana birds trilling to each other in complex song. To most people this was a menial task, an everyday outing, of no real value, but not to Shieda-- he didn’t leave the monastery unless it was a mission. There was no _free_ time when you were an assassin, you trained, worked, slept and repeated those steps over and over again in an endless cycle. There was never any time to simply stop… and look, and listen, and _breathe_ in the world around oneself.

Of course, the prior mentioned times where Kayn had been allowed out without guidance had been a disaster. It would always almost end up in _fighting_ over missed social cues or tones taken badly, as the apprentice would often beeline to the towns to complete the task and then wouldn’t return home without _annoying_ the common folk. Teasing, underhanded bargaining, getting lost in alleys, looking for any excuse to scrap… no, Shieda was so used to Zed’s instruction that without it he simply did anything upon impulse. He needed that barrier… he needed his leash to be held and held _tight_.

Kayn did not mind the apparent ‘lack of freedom’ whatsoever. He was far more used to rules and rigid commands than having none at all and felt far more comfortable whilst at the others command... even if sometimes it lacked the fun of freedom.

“Master, please forgive me for saying this, but you seem very tense.” Shieda spoke, observing the stark line of the others jaw and those hawk-like eyes scanning the horizon in loops. The others broad shoulders were high… Kayn read his stress like an open book. “Are you… worried?”

“About you? Always.” Came the mumble, “I am your master. It is my sworn duty to protect you.”

“From... the shop-men? Or…” Kayn raised an eyebrow, “Are we expecting a threat to be awaiting us?”

“Not at all. I just do not want you to feel uncomfortable or be harmed by social interaction we may stumble across."

_Master!_

So _protective!_ There was an unspoken softness behind those words that tugged at Shieda’s heart and made him feel even brighter than before; even as an adult, his master still thought he was a _boy_! It was sweet, but there was something that Zed simply didn’t understand. Taking a bound to get ahead of him and walking backwards, Shieda placed a hand against his heart;

“Do not fret, master, for no one person could ever warp my views on the world. I **hate** people. Why would I ever listen to any of them, or care about what they _think?_ I do not wish for small talk, I do not wish for romance, I do not wish for friendship.”

“You desire to annoy them? Provoke them?”

“Sometimes I desire their obedience and their submission for my own amusement,” Airly spoken, “But you know I’d never _hurt_ them… physically. What good would a member of the Shadow order gain by injuring the people they are supposed to protect?”

Shieda Kayn was undoubtedly a sociopath.

“Best behaviour, Kayn.” Warned Zed again, though it lacked any kind of threat or anger. “You promised.”

Shieda’s feet made no sound as he smoothly transitioned to walking forwards once again, adding a small skip in his step with a smile upon his face. “You keep saying that… and as usual, your concern for both Ionia’s citizen’s and myself warms my heart. Always thinking about others first; an extremely enviable trait. That is why _you_ are the master, master.”

“That is a long winded way to say you are starting to get annoyed by me, Shieda.” The ninja sighed, but couldn’t help but allow the _slightest_ of smiles to don his face. It’s appearance was met by a smirk from his apprentice,

“I absolutely meant what I said.”

* * *

… It wasn’t long before the ‘glitz’ of the world outside tired the young man.

Hilariously enough, nature was rather amazing in all its colors and movements, but only for about the first five minutes. There was little entertainment to be found within the swaying grass or the stretches of green, the patterns of the rock-road worn thin by feet or the endless sky. Around half an hour into their walk (which was transpiring in relative silence, as all walks involving Zed did) Kayn thought critically about annoying his master to try and lure reactions from him-- high risk, little reward. He thought about running, running there and back again just to burn off energy, but that seemed extra for even the likes of _him._ Instead, and perhaps unwisely so, Shieda let his mind drift to what lay beyond the journey… the village.

As the speck of land in the distance grew into the shape of buildings and the farmers fields either side of the paths wall grew shorter and shorter, Kayn found himself becoming suspicious of anyone around him in the unending quiet. The rice farmer, the apple bagger, the windows afar with wives holding children. Yet… as a lone rider strolled past them on an old horse and wished them good day, Shieda found himself unable to get the ease of his master's sudden smile out of his head. Zed had said good day in return, and there was a genuine warmth to his voice… as if the leader meant it. A tipping of his skull saw his fringe splay against the bridge of that pale nose-- was the other man relaxed? Had those words been spoken with _actual_ mutual affection, or had it all been a lie…? What if the horse rider had been a scout from a group sent to kill them--

_No, **no**. I’m being paranoid, I need to be… more like him._

Kayn pulled a variety of faces behind his master’s back, patted himself upon the cheek and drove a knuckle gently against his temple. Conspiracy theories would do him no good, if only he could round the other man, take him gently by the cheeks and stare with pin-prick pupils into the depths of his eyes…! There would be alarm there, for certain. Oh, he knew Zed was _kind_ and that would too encircle the other man's iris’s, but _how_ and _why_ was he so nice to people that had little value to them…? Poor people had nothing to offer. They weren’t even worth picking on.

_Master, how do you trust people you don’t know?_

Loosening peoples lips with wily seduction was far easier than being genuine. It took little thought to suck people in with a sharp smile and the batting of an eye-lids, but to try and convey simple and quaint emotion to another human being…? Well. Shieda certainly had little to no practice in it, unlike his somewhat fondly smiling master, head lost in his own wild cloud of thoughts. There wasn’t a challenge that Kayn backed down from, however. It was reasoned that if Zed could do it, then he could do it _just_ as well! He would prove to the other that he could be a sensible and thoughtful person! These plain-clothes were no longer a burden, they were a tool to be used for maintaining the illusion of _normalness!_

There was pleasure to be derived from a warm greeting; and he had to have it.

_Will it make you happier if I tried to be trusting of others, too?_

And so, as goal-driven as a beast awaiting its prey in the shadows, Shieda too waited for a victim to try his sudden and newly founded ‘niceness’ on people. Five minutes would sweep by in the blink of an eye; and approaching was a woman whose arms were filled with flowers and whose face was bright with a welcoming smile--

“Good day!”

Shieda felt his mouth go numb; out of nowhere, in a voice that was half whispered, the strange scythe-wielder barked in response;

“G-Good day!” It was awkward. It was pitched. Kayn let his gaze fall to the floor immediately as he felt himself heat with absolute frustration. A soft chuff met his ears as the lady walked by… and Shieda raised his head to possibly spit nasty words about the situation-- only to be confronted by his carers half-lidded stare of surprise. Zed had quit his daydreaming.

“What!?” Kayn squawked, already on the defensive, “ _You_ did it, master, so I thought I’d do it, too.”

“... Do not get angry.” With a hand outstretched Zed pushed down upon his apprentices shoulder; it had risen with the others heated-ness. “It is… very unlike you to greet someone in response.”

“This journey is boring, and I’m trying to milk amusement from it.” Spoken with the baring of fangs and the furrowing of his brow, citrine eyes flashing-- no, _no_ , that was _wrong_ and they _both_ knew it. The master’s eyebrow shifted upwards ever so subtly.

“You know she was smiling, Kayn, when you greeted her back.” A thoughtful hum, the snowy headed man pretending not to see the shifting of his apprentices expression. “But you were looking at the floor.”

“I didn’t know _where_ to look!!” Shieda pressed a hand to either side of his head, as if he was being mentally torn apart by such a simple interaction. “I--”

“I am not berating you.” Efficient correction of the others feelings, “It is nice to see you trying to be pleasant.”

“I’m _always_ pleasant.” Almost _hissed._

_\--Why can’t I just smile and nod and say yes, thank you, I really was trying?_

Kayn scowled to himself as his master sparred him a cutting look before turning forwards.

_Why is it so hard to just… not be me?_

“We’re here.”

Sure enough the rocky road had smoothed out entirely, turned to laid paving slabs that kissed the corner of crudely defined streets. It was… so _small._ About ten shops clustered together with farm animals skittering across the grounds, horses penned against thatched stables and people roaming quaintly against the picturesque back-drop. There were no houses due to the farmland, simply quiet stores with their owners hanging about outside the doors, chattering to their neighbours. Everything came from a time before war, so remote and pointless and simple that not even the Noxian’s would bother the effort to come and snatch lives from it. Shieda felt a bead of sweat run down his throat as he swallowed down a growl,

_These… aren’t the people that I can mess with._

No, not the dirt poor, not the honest, hard workers that never had a single speck of evil intent about them. These sorts of people had no real education and had nothing to barter with, so fancy words and bribes could not be used effectively as weapons towards them. In the same vein of thought, Kayn knew that such an insignificant little community would not breed sleazeballs and predators to make a mockery of or beat up in the back of some darkened alley. So not only had the walk been _boring_ but he had then _embarrassed_ himself and _now_ there wouldn’t even be a chance to misbehave? What had been the point of going _out_ in the first place, he could have been sleeping or scouting--

“Well _well_ , Mr Zinto, long time no see! Who is that pretty young creature at your side?”

A voice booming, a large man stomping towards them. Kayn felt saliva begin to gather in his mouth as if he were fit to foam like a rabid dog, but the harsh sideways glance of his master’s crimson gaze lessened the raising of his hackles just a touch.

_There you go again, with that same unafraid greeting…_

“Greetings, Mr Mantama.” Zed spoke politely, dipping his head in a slight bow. Shieda did not copy him, and nor did he question his master's alias. It was a name he had heard the older ninja go by before. “This is the boy I raised.”

“What…? Oh, _Celestials_! You told me he was just a little thing! Four years really can change a lot, huh?”

Mr Mantama was a round, jolly looking man with a straw hat and tanned skin, large hands and no shoes. A shiny short coat of balding black hair occupied his head, which shone in the spaces without cover. His smile seemed to be almost blinding and never faltering, and seemed infectious enough to even see the usually blank-faced Zed give a small fond smile in return. The newcomer's hazel eyes were probably expecting at least neutrality back, but when Shieda met that man’s gleeful stare… he struggled to keep his eyes from being _cold_. The dark shadows of that long furling fringe caused dark shadows to intersect pale skin, and the too-still way he held himself in absolute silence led Mantama to look to Zed with slight concern.

“He is ok… yes?”

“Shieda.”

_That tone._

Kayn snapped to attention immediately, delivering a deep bow onto the villager with his hands against his thighs.

_He’s not happy with me._

“I apologize; my father usually lets me sleep in.” Lies, always _lies_. His voice came softer now, “My name is Shieda; it’s nice to meet you.”

“N-Not to worry! Mr Kinto, how strictly have you been raising this boy, eh?” Mantama’s hand came to pat Kayn’s back gently, but in a fluid movement that was as automatic as breathing the assassin not only dodged but did so without making a sound. With a whistle, impressed by the flawless and swift execution of the move, the common man clapped his hands together.

“I… am guilty of sheltering him,” A tight laugh from Zed, one that was completely without humor. Kayn could tell simply by the way the master held his head that internally the older man was beginning to fret a tad. “He is shy, but he is a good, hardworking boy.”

“What more can you ask of a son?” Mantama’s hand came to pat Zed gently upon the shoulder, a motion watched with terrifyingly sharp eyes from far by the youngest male there. The ninja didn't even flinch. “ _Oh_ , I have a great idea. Come, come with me, I have to treat you to some sake-- and do not say no. I know what you’re like, hm! Bring your boy, too!”

Zed and Kayn spared a look at each other. Shining with a hideously bright amount of pleading, Shieda’s brows tipped upwards as if to _beg_ his master to let them simply get supplies and _go_... but there was a shaking of that fluffy white head he knew so well.

“We’ll come.” Announced by the leader, “Come along, Shieda.”

“Yes, _father._ ”

So much for no conversational based distractions. Like a stubborn mule Kayn would follow behind the chatting elders with malice held within the gleam of his glare, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his well-held-up trousers. Perhaps it made him look a little like a delinquent, something he phantomed by the concerned stares and hushed whispering of elderly shopkeepers as they padded by… but it didn’t matter. This day was a write off after all, a meaningless, pointless mass of hours spent beneath an unforgiving sun with some loud stranger snickering after everything his master said. And speaking of the master in question…

Shieda wasn’t aware… that Zed had _friends._

Everyone was always trying to kill them, so the assumption that no-one would care for either of them was molded into truth in the youth's mind early on. He himself never _saw_ his master ‘chatting’ to _anyone_ , let alone people staked out in the middle of nowhere. Then again, he only saw Zed in the monastery, giving orders to students… was his master _friendly_ to others, and were their _more_ than this man? What double life was his master living when he went off on solo missions!? Envy was growing within him, a burning and unruly desire to destroy _anyone_ that thought themselves important enough to sweep Zed’s _important_ time away with idle gossip… but it was quickly dulled.

A single glance to his master again…

… He still… looked so _happy_.

_I… suddenly feel lonely._

Someone else had the attention. Someone else had his master's smile upon them, meanwhile that same man in question had been so displeased with Shieda but moments before… and as childish as it _was_ the scythe wielder realized that he felt a little sore inside. Was he so easily replaceable…? No, that wasn’t it. Zed had made it clear in the very beginning that he wished for the other to be on his ‘best’ behaviour, as reiterated repeatedly throughout the sluggish day. Scratching idly at a clothed chest, the young man set half lidded eyes upon the street and mentally pictured a thousand wires all tangled up at once.

_I am such a fickle creature._

It only took a short trot they arrived at the minute, hodge-podge store-front that was made of wood of different hues hammered together with thick nails; it read ‘Alcohol’. That was it. The window was half smashed and the door creaked as Mantama’s hand swung it open to reveal a barely lit interior lined to the walls with different drinks from different lands. There was a smell in the air, chasing the motion of the opened door… dust and the remnants of once spilled alcohol making the scent somewhat bitter-sweet. With an annoyed huff and with displaying no intention to follow him in, Kayn lent his back to the store's wall and tipped his turbulent head to the sky... if only to avoid what he _knew_ would be an annoyed glare from his master shot in his direction. He was doing it _again._ Acting anti-social.

“Stay here, Kayn.” Ah, it was in the threads of Zed’s voice, too…! “I will not be long.”

“Understood, father.”

“Are you _sure_ he doesn’t need a drink to lighten up…?”

Mantama’s voice fading into obscurity was the last thing he heard before the trilling of the struck bell signaled the door shut… the two had vanished so deeply in that it was no longer possible to eavesdrop. Shieda found himself very much alone in a strange street, occasionally catching the eye of a stray person regarding him-- _him._

He with his long gliding locks, strange eyes, lithe form and sharp jaw. How the man wondered about a different world, where he had gotten completely dressed up to sabotage the relationships of farmers and cleaners…! _Ha_ , perhaps he would have laughed aloud at his own stupidity if it wasn’t for the lingering feeling that he was suddenly disappointing his master with every move he made. When Zed wasn’t there to see him be evil it was almost as if the other mans opinion didn’t matter, but having his master witness his rottenness time and time _again_ with no reprieve or change to his actions, well…

It was never easy to admit you were the problem.

Under orders to stay where he was, Shieda would absolutely not test Zed’s patience by simply straying away in disobedience and instead busied himself by engaging in a silent staring contest with anyone that strolled by. They were all the same, really. Beige, grey, patchwork, old, chattering quietly under their breaths about a strange male lent up against a creaking wall, looking very much like someone who didn’t belong to a place like that. Perhaps they were curious about the pale nature of his skin, or perhaps they were unsure of his gender. Kayn didn’t care. It wasn’t as if they _mattered._

“... What’s wrong, mister? You’re… staring at me!”

A voice suddenly jolted him from his thoughts-- hazel eyes, black hair, a familiar roundness to her face-- one would have to be an absolute idiot not to link the chains together. The small girl was no more than eight years old, dressed in an auburn long-dress that was completely boring and unpatterned, just like the slippers she wore upon her feet. Unaware of his own ‘default’ setting, the scythe wielder _immediately_ forgot about trying to be _kind_ and went straight back to how he was without missing a single step.

“I can stare wherever I _want_ to stare.” Kayn bit out, not really caring that this was a child. People of all ages were all the same… all weak in their own, petty ways. Undeserving of real mutual kindness until proven worthy.

_It’s just who I am. How am I going to change at this age--_

“You shouldn’t stare too much… My daddy said if an empyrean's breeze blows, your eyes get all crossed.”

_... Empyrean?_

A dragon, clouds endlessly billowing about its shining teeth as it snaked across the sunset skies calmly… one of the first creatures he had heard about as a boy, freshly stolen from the Noxian battlefield. All at once the memory of Lenny, his stuffed dragon toy at home and the lie his father had told him about its air-based powers bounced about his skull erratically-- it brought the softest shade of pinks to his cheeks as the assassin’s arms crossed about his chest.

“Your daddy is _lying._ Now go away.” The venom in Kayn’s tone had lessened, but remained prevalent.

“... But this is da’s store, so…”

_This surely is a test from above!?_

No, no, it couldn’t get worse. There was no possible _way_ this interaction and the interactions before it could get any more tedious or annoying than they already were, and yet! Runeterra today was personally hunting him down, no doubt! Shieda Kayn had learnt his lesson, he _knew_ he was bad at speaking to others, he _knew_ he could not communicate with anyone but Zed well, so why why _why_ was he put in such an awful situation after such an overwhelmingly emotional day?! Coming to a crouch with his spine grinding against the shop’s exterior, Shieda resisted the urge to drive a fist into the wall itself and gave up on his little stare-hunting game. A small shadow befell him.

“You’re not very nice. Are you sick?” The little girl’s voice came, perhaps touched by some concern. Why was she concerned about someone she didn’t _know!?_

_She's just like him._

“Yes, I am.”

“Where?”

“In the head.” Blunt, nonchalant, growled out. This seemed to confuse the child briefly, who linked those tiny fingers together and shook her hands just a touch.

“Um… well, it’s just daddy told me all bad people are sick somewh-- ah!!”

_Why is it so **hard?!**_

Kayn suddenly sat up straight and _slammed_ a hand against the ground in such a violent manner that the squeaking child staggered back a few, woodland eyes searching the door as if she was questioning fetching her father-- and in that instant Shieda recoiled. If she told him of his behaviour… his master would end up knowing, too. Not good. He couldn’t stand to disappoint the other any more than he already had today, but his heart was racing and everything seemed ever so _shitty_.

_I just have to copy him, right!?_

“Hey, hey, uh… little girl. I’m not bad. See, I’m smiling.” His split-faced semi-snarl did not gain a good reception.

“T-That’s scary!! You’re _scary_!!” Her outspread fingers reached for the door--

“No no-- wait!” Upon the realization that his natural sharpness, that had won him the favor of many eager men and women in the past, was not at all effective here his expression settled upon a light frown. “W-What is… your name?”

… She hesitated in her actions.

“... Melina...”

“I’m Shieda. I am sorry I was mean; I just get annoyed really quickly when I’m… I’m…” Kayn wracked his brain for any decent excuse to lie about, “When I’m… alone.”

_... THAT’S THE TRUTH!? YOU TOLD HER THE T **RUTH!?** YOU REALLY COULDN’T THINK OF A LIE?!_

Shieda could not have been more thankful that Rhaast wasn’t there to howl his head off at the unsociable assassin as he raised a hand to _smack_ himself against the forehead aggressively. If today had been a write-off before, well, now it was spiraling into disaster territory. In an instant Melina was at the other’s side, joining him in his crouch with curious eyes not quite understanding why the man was hitting himself.

“Don’t hit yourself, mister Shieda! It’s ok. Me too.” Admitted shyly, ruffling the short locks of her hair. “Da’ says I’m not allowed in the store, though… it’s for adults only. That’s why I’m out here. Is that why you’re out here?”

“... Yeah, sure.” A worried expression, hoping that his prior words would fade into obscurity in the young child’s mind before she had the chance to _tell_ anyone. “My, ah, father is talking to yours.

“It’s ok, mister Shieda. You don’t need to get annoyed or anything.” The young girl gave a gasp and clapped her hands together excitedly, “You can talk to me…!”

_... This child is truly lonely to turn to someone like me for companionship._

It was familiar. In the beginning, though Noxus had shorn away his ability to communicate with everyone initially, Kayn remembered running around looking for any human soul to interact with. It was such a far call from people banging bats against his cage or seeing others confined to metal that any single look his way would initiate an urge to _talk_ , to _understand_ why the world in Ionia was so beautiful and _free._ Though sheltering and the lack of responses had turned his attitude cold and his heart sour, back then, even though people were initially reluctant to chat with him (a truth learned as an adult that their hesitation had not been because he was a _foreigner,_ but because he was stray child), Kayn had still yearned for anyone to connect with him.

Then Zed became his _sole_ companion.

His master was tough and private, but every now and then the little insights into the others life were enough for Shieda to feel like he had _someone_ in the world that would listen when he would speak. Would stave away the loneliness when he was around. Thus, the assassin became his shadow, following him in awe and respect with a deep rooted love for his first ever _friend_. That companionship had never diminished; it snowballed into obsession and was forever at the forefront of his mind, Kayn knew that as long as his master was alive there was somewhere to _go_ when he felt sad or angry or conflicted or _hurt,_ and sometimes Zed would meet him with annoyance or conflict in return… but at least that sort of interaction was _human_. With a low humming noise at the back of his throat Shieda spared the young girl a look, and wondered if, while her father toiled away, if she had companionship too. Those hopeful eyes were so reminiscent of his own gaze in the mirror…

… A weapon... the rose--

_... Did I just… express concern for another?_

A gasp, a light lit up in his eyes-- yes, _he_ had wondered if the child had companionship!! That was a kind of _worry_ , that was a kind of _concern!_ It had come so comfortably and easily to the males mind that it was _almost_ enough to make him think that he was... normal. Human. All at once, feeling both vulnerable and a touch more positive, Kayn felt overwhelmingly pleased with the tiny bit of mental progress and hungered for _more_.

“I see. What… do you want to talk about?” Shieda spoke awkwardly once more, but this time it was slightly tentative. The young man did his best to make his tone smooth, and as if feeling the ghost of Zed’s fingers upon his shoulders he lowered them greatly.

“Your pretty hair!” Exclaimed Melina, reaching out with chubby fingers. “... Can I touch it?”

“... Yes?”

Though the youth’s nose would crinkle as the child began to tentatively touch the lengths of his locks, he somehow found himself… calming. It wasn’t the ego stroke. This… it was just like when he used to eagerly grab his master’s hair, just because it was so _odd._ White hair. Did it feel like clouds or snow or cotton? Fondness grew within him like warm air rising. If this was a man from a town with greasy fingerprints and testy hands, the scythe wielder would have recoiled in an instant to sock him in the face with a punch strong enough to shatter teeth-- but this was a child threading the coils between her fingers in a manner that was scarcely felt at all.

_People… aren’t all the same, right? Not everyone wants to hurt me or fuck me._

“It’s really nice. I want my hair to grow that long one day.”

“... Grow it long, then.”

“I dunno’ if I’m pretty enough to grow it long.” Sheepishly, rubbing at her neck sincerely. “Don’t tell anyone… but I only ever see people from the cities with long hair. They are really pretty.”

Kayn felt some strange emotion wash over him.

“Why do you say you’re not pretty?” The answer was commanded rather than asked-- almost a bit _too_ loudly. Honey-eyes watched the child look down upon her dress… her fingers spread against the fraying seams. A chuff, a grunt, and a _smirk._

“You know, _I_ know a little something about being _pretty._ ”

* * *

Zed had no intention of leaving a serial killer and seasoned assassin, wielder of a mythical weapon and absolute _bastard_ to most people outside for so _long_ , but he had to be polite to company. That company was mirthful, full of energy and somewhat _drunk_ by the time his red-eyed companion looked out of the window to check the position of the sun-- two _hours_ had gone by!? When the ninja announced his need to finish what he had _actually_ meant to accomplish by coming to the village he stood with a slight fog about his mind, somewhat tipsy ( _never_ drunk, no, not anymore) but still with his wits about him… just enough to hear the sound of his apprentice barking loudly outside. The master didn’t need pinpoint cohesion for _that._ The words were obscured by the walls and the tone was muddied, but there was no way he would mistake that voice for anothers-- and in an attempt to not seem critically alarmed the man excused himself with a short bow, hurried towards the door and shoved it open--

To find a little girl running circles about Shieda’s now very _topless_ self.

Beltless, too. Trading his own belt for a simple rope, Kayn had used his ever-concealed thigh knife to cut the leather down to size-- and with the child down donning his shirt and the strap around her middle, it _almost_ looked amusingly dress-like. Melina’s messy, short hair had been plaited at either side and held with leather headbands (courtesy of the man who had at minimum twenty of them upon him at one time), and about her neck? Well, one mans ankle bracelet, the very artifact that he had been advised to be rid of, made a very rustic necklace in the same black-and-silver as the rest of his once-attire…

“Da, da, look! I’m _pretty!_ ” The girl squeaked, running up to her father’s legs with antsy anticipation! Mantama blinked down at his daughter, and then spared the dumbfounded ninja at his side a look--

“Shieda…” The man in question sweated just a touch with his mouth cracked open as his master rounded him, scruffed him by his shirt and began to _shake_ him dramatically, albeit gently. A soft whisper into his ear,

“... I am supposed to tell you that a man giving his clothes to a child on a whim could be seen as… dirty, especially seeing as you are partially _undressed_ now.”

Immediately becoming submissive and absolutely _bewildered_ at the fact that he had somehow _missed_ that somewhat important societal fact, the apprentice began in a hurry-- “S-Sorry, master! I was just trying--”

“I know your intentions were good... and you were smiling just then.”

Kayn swore his heart stopped as he regarded the other.

“... So you _can_ talk to others.”

Before there could be any sort of retort to what had just been spoken, Shieda jumped as the guttural bellowing of Mister Mantama’s laugh began to fill the air, causing the assassin to flinch just a touch. His master released him to settle into a small bow,

“I apologize for his actions--”

“Mister Kinto, stop _bowing_ to me!” Roared the father as his large hands came down to pluck his child from the ground, the sound of her pitched glee ringing out like a single note as her arms came around his throat. “Haven’t you ever heard of ‘giving another the clothes off your back’?”

Zed blinked rapidly.

“... I see.”

“And Mister Shieda said I can keep them! He’s a really nice man!!”

Kayn blinked rapidly.

_Am I… happy to be called that?_

Trying to ignore the heating of his cheeks, the apprentice allowed an easy grin to overcome his expression.

_... I am._

* * *

The road home was just as uneventful as the road in; an endless sea of blackening grass whistling quietly in the lazy breeze, a thousand stars and a pregnant moon lighting up the abyss above. No people this time, for most had said goodnight and had wandered off to bed after a hard day’s work. There was a difference, however, between the road traveled in sunlight and the one walked in the moonlight.

They were _both_ smiling this time.

“You know, instead of giving her your clothes, you could have simply told her that she does not need fancy attire to be beautiful.”

“ _Please_ don’t lecture me, master…”

* * *


	16. Black dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally would update faster if i didnt start crying at everything i wrote  
> LMAO  
> zed not naturally being warm to his kid briefly touched upon here  
> little kayn being EXTREMELY touch starved as a result is also in here  
> something something about zed being good at faking emotions something  
> just a stupid note, it would have been easy to have kayn call the black dog 'rudny' in association, but i didn't go down that path because i wanted to imply something about kayn (vague look about the room)  
> i wont be saying more  
> i like being vague  
> E-ENJOY... I promise the next chapter is light hearted LOLOL
> 
> TW WARNINGS FOR;  
> ANIMALS GETTING HURT / GORE.  
> A CHILD FIGHTING ANIMALS.

_They are picking on him._

Dirty faced, wearing a plain beige tunic and sandals, Kayn watched the dog’s scuffling with one another from afar. Ionia took good care of their animals, even the stray and disowned ones, but animals abided by laws that far transcended the minds of people- let alone a twelve year old boy. These ones, caught in some kind of furious dance, were a mess of teeth and slobber and the occasional pitched yelp that clattered about in the air like a terrible song, echoing off of the rich trees, perforating his ears like the sharp strike of a bell would.

It wasn’t that the child sympathized with animals as a whole, no, his practising upon their small bodies before moving onto people in Noxus had stripped him of his ability to feel like they were intellectually or morally akin to humans. Instead, they were treated as individuals that either appealed or disinterested the boy; if an animal was attempting to hurt him, well, he would hurt it back. If an animal was passive towards him then he would bear it no ill will, choosing to completely ignore its existence, almost as if it was nothing more than just another plant occupying a random space… _living_ , but that was all. Dogs were no different to him than chickens or rabbits or birds, all thriving in a lower place _below_ people and thus never treated as having their own sentience or soul, even.

… But this was different. There was something about the wailing of the animal that struck a chord within him, almost as if it was dredging memories to the surface of Shieda’s mind that he wished would stay buried down in the depths of his consciousness. Perhaps it was once that he himself had made such pitiful sounds, mewling in the shadows for freedom from pain, or perhaps it was the echoes of children crying in an unseen space afar from his own cell. The trilling of unhappiness, the misery of bullying.

_I was a bully once, wasn’t I…?_

“They are… picking on him.”

_... But I’m different now._

His master had been the one who told him to protect the weak of Ionia, for that was their mission as members of the Shadow order. This creed never specified a distinct species, never shoved humanity into the forefront of the picture, for Ionians as a whole were a people of nature and harmony with all living things within the first lands-- and so wish became _duty_ , for suddenly a pack of dogs picking upon each other became an unspoken call to peace. If he did not seek to rectify the problem before him he would not be upholding the talks of peace drilled into his head by hours upon hours of learning… and so he decided to act.

Shieda felt tenseness begin to seize his body as those small fingers danced against the hilt of his short dagger, holstered at his hip with a single length of modified rope. It wasn’t blunt. His master had armed him since the very first day with weapons designed to keep him _safe_ , and with every passing sunrise and sunset the child proved himself more and more capable with whatever was thrown at him… but that skill did not change one fundamental aspect of Kayn.

He was still a child regardless.

The ‘logical’ conclusion seemed to suggest that getting rid of the ‘bullies’ in question would solve the old dogs suffering, and that could be done simply with a blade, a rock, a choke hold about the throat and a struggling against the spasming body. Not a typical solution for a child per se, but for a killer in training the young assassin usually leapt to ‘death’ to solve almost every circumstance that floated by him-- there was a ‘moral’ problem with this, however. People were quite fond of dogs, and even at the monasteries gates sometimes acolytes would feed or water them fondly as a way to find meager companionship in the isolation of training. Any violent action would be taken as being ‘morally wrong’, even though he had done it plenty of times before and they killed animals to _eat_ (hypocrites, the lot of them).

 _Tup, tup, tup_ came feather-light steps against the monasteries worn marble floor, causing his hand to suddenly leave the hilt of the blade to find his other hand anxiously, where he began to scratch lines upon his skin-- Kayn resumed in his ponderings without turning his head to gaze upon the owner of those familiar footsteps. Perhaps he did not _care_ about his social standing. Perhaps he did not care if he would be labeled a _dog killer_ , for the more those citrine eyes captured of the scene the more he found himself feeling bitter and jaded that he could not simply rush in-- that tan and the white one were so _rough_ that the black dog was beginning to limp. It began to spark anger within the child, watching its tail wag in interspersed periods before once again it found its way in the path of a large red mutt, whose peeled lips and shining fangs came down frantically at the side of the weaker dogs face--

“This is how they show dominance over each other.”

Zed’s cool voice settled upon him like snow, but did nothing to fray the small human’s tenseness, nay, they _ignited_ the small fires in his heart that were beginning to make Shieda’s blood boil. Dominance. The word bloomed his master's teachings in his mind as if a scroll had been placed suddenly betwixt his fingers, and mentally it was recited with a blackening expression-- to be ‘dominant’ in battle was to have the constant upper-hand upon your opponent. One could display dominance without showing fear, by keeping neutrality to a maximum, to display a sense of confidence that then in turn could waver the feelings of your enemy and thus put you on ‘top’ of the situation. From his teachings, Kayn knew that being dominant with your body position and tone could lead to a win without a single finger being lifted in regards to fighting, but _this_ sort of dominance made no _sense._

“Dogs wag their tails when they are happy, master.” Shieda said with certainty, Zed’s eyebrow raising ever so slightly as his young student gazed up at him with an extremely crooked expression upon his face. Pin-prick pupils and the minor up-curling of his lip as if he was but a canine showing its fangs as well.

“How do you know this?” The master took the chance to oblige the other’s dispensing of trivial knowledge, hoping it would perhaps lead to a past memory of sorts. It did.

“Because in Noxus, not all the hounds were bad dogs. There was a dog called Rudny and he was a good dog, and when he passed the gate, sometimes, if the guard was a nice guard, he would lick our fingers.” A small glance down to his upward palms, imagining the feeling of slobber coating his fingers and the excited snuffling of the large creature… “... He was always wagging his tail when he did that.”

Movement beside him saw the child quickly dropping his arms to the side as the casually dressed Zed (in all black) came to sit against the stairs with his gaze turned outwards upon the mutts in question. They had simmered down a touch, but there was a commotion still in the form of semi-flashing eyes and the scent of blood. No doubt that hidden in the brush there was the corpse of some animal they had bitten to death, and in the renewed excitement of food their hierarchy had clashed with their hunger, thus their aggression. The tail wagging had to be appeasing behaviour, but Zed could only hazard that part as nothing more than a guess. This could all be explained to Shieda, of course… but there was something about the recalling of the past that had made the white haired ninja stop.

The good dog, Rudny, and the anger that Kayn was feeling… if he ever reasoned to explain, the small one would not-- and would care _not_ to-- make sense of any of it.

“... I can tell you are planning something.”

“I’m going to stop them.”

“... Stop them from…?”

“Picking on the black dog.”

It would have been absolute shoddy parenting if Zed had simply chosen to let the twelve year old mingle with wild dogs and a _blade_ of all things-- he knew Kayn too well. He knew what ‘stop them’ meant, he knew that if he gave Shieda an inch of confidence in this idea that he would run down there and slaughter those creatures like they were taken in from pasture, ready to be sold at the butchers shop.

And Kayn made no attempt to hide this.

A flash of silver and the quick-creak of leather as the dagger was withdrawn from its hilt and a running posture was assumed, yellow eyes like hazard lights flaring to life in the dead of night as he felt the patter of his heart quicken. Kayn _wanted_ to tear them apart, he would _relish_ in the sound of their dying howls as he dismembered them piece by piece in front of the ‘good dog’, and then _he’d_ be on top. That was _dominance,_ that was the role of a human after all, to stand at the peek of the food chain and twist the fates of those below them. The opinions of others would be tossed to the rowdy wind, the morality of the situation diminished as if burned to ashes, and he would put his former _training_ to good use.

“I have made up my mind, master,” Came the huffed hissing beneath his breath as he quickly began to power-walk forward, “They picked on him, I’ll pick on _themmmm_ \--?”

A hand suddenly had come to wrap about his waist stiffly, hauling him up from his feet in a move that let him dangle from the older man’s hip uselessly; it was Sunday, after all. The day of resting and reflection, reflected itself in their lack of uniform and training, reflected _more-so_ in the casual way that Kayn had just been plucked up from the ground like a flower picked. Zed was not the sort to do such a ‘close-bodied’ action, for usually it was the balling of a fist against the back of his shirt or hands upon his shoulders, but this…? Shieda felt as if he weighed nothing more than a piece of paper as the boy regarded the ground with a narrow stare, annoyed at the show of restraint. With a hand wrapped around the knife Shieda began to struggle weakly with a brattish bark out,

“Let me go, master.” Somehow it still managed to be an ask and not a demand, yet there was a fury barely gauged lingering at the edges of his tone. “They will not hurt me.”

“... We are going inside.” A neat turning of his heel, and hefting the child up a little against his waist the master began to walk away with his student in custody, wriggling around uselessly against that strong hold. “I cannot let you fight stray dogs.”

“ _Fight_...? There won’t be a fight, ‘cuz I’ll just kill them dead super fast.”

“Respect nature’s laws and hierarchies. This isn’t about what we want.”

“But I want something _good_.” Kayn’s tone was getting filled with increasing measures of annoyance and aggression as they moved further in, “I want to save the black dog.”

“ _No._ And that’s an _order._ ” Zed kept his own annoyance out of his tone, his stoic coldness working in his favor as usual. “I’m going to put you down, but you’re not going outside to fight or _kill_ the dogs. Do you understand?”

“Wh--”

Kayn knew better than to backtalk his master so, but the beginning of the sentence gave way to almost a startling amount of bite that was audible within his mind-

_What are you going to do, lock me up!?_

No. Zed was firm and sometimes harsh, but he was not the kind of man that would mindlessly turn one’s fears upon them for the sake of discipline. For others perhaps the idea of solitude in a locked room was an easy punishment, but any who knew Kayn knew that the idea of restraining him would be an act of barbaric proportions given the terrors of his past… and that both worked _for_ and _against_ him. On one hand it meant any kind of punishment doled out to him was but a matter of physicality, and on the other hand it meant shadows of the past could come to claim him with the simple turning of a key.

There would have to be some minor compromise.

“Hi-yer-arch-ee… and the laws of nature. I _see._ ”

The quiet mumbling was concerning to say the least, and somewhat exasperated by the situation Zed moved to get his two hands upon the others body now, hooking thumbs beneath his arms and holding him up and out as if the skinny creature was just a baby. It was so he could analyze the curious face of his student once more, a face that was now deathly serious and dark. Kayn had come to a conclusion it seemed. The sharp clatter of the knife falling to the ground was akin to glass breaking in the manner of which the noise crashed into the silence of before.

“I’m an animal, too.” Kayn growled in a lowly manner. “I’ll fight them _without_ weapons.”

Zed supposed that the boy thought he looked intimidating in that moment as he glowered beneath the shadows of his short bangs, but all he was reminded of was when stray kittens puffed up and began to hiss and spit at you when you got too near.

“You aren’t an animal, Shieda. You’re a person.”

“I was in a cage longer than, than most of the stray dogs have ever been in.” This wasn’t touted with any amount of pride. ”You put animals in cages, I know because a guard told me so. A few of them said I was an animal as well.”

“But they were not treating you right. _I_ understand that you are a person.” The young boy was placed squarely upon the ground, and Zed readied himself to jump the moment that Shieda bolted-- no, Kayn stayed right where he was, looking evermore disturbed and argumentative about the situation.

“ _People_ are animals, master. We all have hearts and like to eat things, just like dogs. We may be better than them, and smarter than them, but _you_ said we exist to create peace where there isn’t any!”

“Do _not_ use my words against me.”

This was going nowhere.

Resisting the urge to press a palm against his face and scream into it for a few seconds, Zed squared his jaw and took a different approach to the situation as he looked down at the defiant child and that unblinking stare back. If he could not sway the child in his favor then he would _not_ be the cause of any accusations thrown at his face at a later date. With a fist meeting his hip and a puffed up chest, the ninja’s words came down upon Kayn strongly.

“If you go out there and fight, Kayn, then for the next week you’re eating out of a dog bowl. You will also be doing running exercises twice for that week, seeing as you wish so strongly to be canine and run about as one.” The slight tipping of his head. “Instead of saying ‘master’, you will say _woof._ Do you understand?”

Humiliation was a strong tactic to demoralize those who had the utmost confidence in themselves, and of when acolytes were dismissive or passive of missions or training they knew that if they did not at least try there would be discipline in store. Extra cleaning, forced meditation, menial errands. Never physical force, unless there was an error in sparring that left the acolyte open to learn a hard lesson; Zed himself would never raise a hand nor fist to any of his students, no, not like his former master who used a wooden cane to make his point crystal clear upon he and Shen.

Not that any of that mattered, because Kayn _didn’t care._

Who cared about cleaning or time outs in some estranged corner or running some more? What was any of _that_ compared to what he had already endured in the dark undergrounds of Noxus, where needles and the rubbing of metal against skin and the beating-rod were par for the course when it came to discipline? He _laughed_ (not outwardly but inwardly, he would not dare to do such a thing audibly) in the face of Zed’s little games, neither demoralized nor dehumored by whatever was laid out for him in the future; and so with his fists at his side the young male tipped his head up and met his masters gaze evenly.

“I understand, _woof._ ”

Kayn span around, and began to run outside.

He heard the loud call in response, _SHIEDA,_ that man bellowed after him… but the child's heart had been set, and even if his master would think less of him overall this felt like the _right_ thing to do. Like a kite on the wind those stairs were flown over, fist against the earth as the child landed smoothly, and without a single second to spare Shieda began _charging_ at the beasts with his teeth gritted and arms swinging. They were gonna’ get one, alright! As if he needed a knife to beat up _dogs_ , those hands would do well, for his knuckles were sharp and his fear of any disease, infection or otherwise was absolutely _absent._

As Kayn closed the gap between him and the bickering canines their behaviour began to shift, for the moment they laid their wild eyes upon him they became nothing but the common street dog one could find begging for scraps in the smaller villages; eager, happy, engaged. All of them, from the red one to the tan one to the white one and the black one began to trot in his direction with bloodied muzzles and ears alert. Though jolly to see a human, they had _not_ expected the biggest dog there to suddenly be punched so hard in the nose and with such _vile_ intent that the creature began _screeching_ , unsure of what to do-- they _all_ were unsure of how to respond--

“YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST PICK ON OTHERS??” Shieda took up a fighting stance against the meek and confused pack, “I’M EVEN MORE DANGEROUS THAN A DOG, COME PICK ON _ME_!!”

Kayn felt a surge of pleasure within him; he felt like the hero swooping in to save the befallen, for the roundhouse kick he delivered onto that poor dogs face was so bitterly swift that its teeth collided with its tongue and gelatinous blood mixed with slobber began to ooze out of its mouth in rivulets. At the scent of copper the white dog began to growl with its lip quivering, and in a wayward snap towards the child’s arm that was easily side-stepped, Shieda’s fist came down against the top of its brow in a smash that saw it staggering on the spot-- the black spots that erupted in its eyes could not clear fast enough to allow it to see that hand once again shot forth to strike against its nose.

“DOES IT HURT?!” There had been no movement at all from the black dog and the tanned one beside it, both reluctant and pacing about in lines around the scene, but as he made to move towards said tan dog the red one engaged him once again with a nip to his arm that actually saw the child’s blood drawn-------

And in the shadows, Zed fretted wildly.

Of _course_ he was not going to send his assassin-in-training off to interfere with a pack of dogs alone, especially when they could be carrying anything-- but this had to be a lesson, too. This had to have some kind of consequence to it, or Kayn would simply disobey him again; but those _teeth_!! None of those animals were bigger than a skinny labrador but, but his Shieda was just a _boy_ , and struggling not to move a single muscle to snatch that youth away from the hounds was a battle in itself.

Kayn retaliated quickly to the bite, shoving a finger _deep_ into the eye-socket of the creature, a move that saw it _immediately_ turn upon its heels with its eye spouting blood-- and obediently the white dog followed in a state of panic as it scrambled against the earth. The tanned one, who had not put a single paw towards Shieda was eager to leave the moment the child stomped a foot against the ground to frighten it, but not in the same direction-- instead it immediately ventured towards where a mass of flies were settling against bones and open flesh beside the bush line. This left… only one canine left, one that was swinging its head too and fro as if to look for safety from this terrible human… and though it flinched when a hand came flying in its direction there was no strike that followed.

“Hey, doggy.”

… The dramatic switch in emotion left the canine confused and Zed exasperated. The old thing was bleeding quite a bit at the hocks, its face dripping small lines of red with its watery eyes frightened… the boy got closer.

“It’s ok. I’m really nice to good dogs...” Came the whisper, a hand extended towards the top of its skull, where it’s injuries were less severe. The poor injured soul kept shying and flinching away every few moments as if awaiting cruelty, but slowly, ever so slowly… when nails caught it behind the ears its beaten tail began to wag ever so gently. It took a few stretches of silence for it to find its confidence in the human and an audible gasp caused it to shy away once again, but even when the young one came to a crouch beside it it never ran from him, only taking a step backward in surprise at Shieda’s quickness.

“Come here, black dog. Come on,” A small palm was held out, “They were treating you really badly, weren’t they? You shouldn’t let them do that. Once they sense weakness they will exploit it, y’know?”

The black dog and its big brown eyes came to a gentle stiff at Shieda’s palm before giving it a tentative lick; and the child burst into a fit of pitched giggling that only made the trusting creature pause for but a moment before continuing its gentle assault.

“Ha… you’re saying thank you, right?”

That drizzle of affection from something as simple as that… how it made him stiffen so. The smile that had split his face softened and stilled into a more tepid expression as the black dog’s tail wagged politely for the tiny human, and somewhere deep down within him Kayn quickly felt icy emotions grip him. This creature and its bleeding face… it was showing a level of trust in him that none ever showed save for his master. Usually he was an object to steer clear of, a puzzling fox amidst a flock of hens, the prized possession of the Shadow order’s leader-- but in that moment Shieda felt that the unapologetic show of outward affection was what differentiated this being and his master.

It was perhaps pitiful to find pain in that… but it hurt none-the-less.

Zed was not a man to outwardly become affectionate unless a specific situation called upon it and it felt selfish to want _more_ from the stoic male... but Kayn did. This wandering creature was filling a chasm in his chest that was absent of physical touch, just an idiotic, drooling, smelly animal from the woods pressing its head against his out-spread hand. It felt nice to have something show you love so easily. It felt nice to feel the dogs ‘gratitude’, and like a well-told joke the strange emotion almost caused him to laugh if only to steal himself away from simply welling up on the spot. This creature was thanking him! It’s tail was wagging, it was _happy_ to be near him…! Swallowing down the lump forming in his throat Kayn’s struggled to keep his voice from wavering gently.

_You’re so kind, black dog…_

“That’s right-- I’m _good._ ” The child breathed with a tense voice, his thumb softly swiping against the animal’s brow. “Sometimes that means you have to be _bad_ to help good people. My master taught me all of this, and dogs are like people, except way more stupid and you cannot hold things like I can.”

Zed allowed his maroon gaze to soften from the unseen darkness as the ninja pressed himself against the tree’s bark with a gentle sigh. A good student, one whose brightness outshone even his youth, but with the emotional restraint of a sponge… it would remind him once again of a younger version of himself, filled to the brim with thoughts and feelings that refused to stay dormant within him. They would spring up like wells about his life, and though his master had ultimately filled in every stream he started, the ninja was not so jagged and stony within that the image of his student chatting with a battered old dog did not pull heavily upon his heartstrings. The older male knew that if he intervened at that point all softness from the others voice would vanish alongside the canine he was fondly ruffling the head of, and so he stayed observant as Kayn began talking in a strange tone.

“I’m an acolyte, and we protect good things in the world from bad things, like Noxus and bullies.” Shieda brought himself to a stand and peered down with those sunshine eyes filled with a myriad of emotion. “You’re a ‘good thing’ in this world, I know it.”

_Why are you so kind? Even people aren’t this nice to me…_

The canine lilted its head too and fro, listening to the others words with its floppy ears gently slapping against its cheeks. The boy felt his breath catch in his throat.

_I’m just a stranger to you, but you keep on wagging your tail regardless…_

“If you ever need help… I’m here. I’ll protect you.” The trembling of his bottom lip, “Y… you make me feel really happy, so I won’t ever forget you, black dog.”

A margin of hesitation, a quick glance about to make sure no-one was watching-- and then Kayn wrapped his arms gently about the animal's neck in a brief and chaste hug that saw his cheeks reddening as the creature's tail picked up once more in glee. A small snuffle against the boys face saw him lean against the canine for but a few seconds.

“Thank you… for being so nice to me.”

Shieda knew he had to leave, he knew he would have to abandon the dog with stolen words of advice so that it may walk its own path, but as the youth turned and walked away from the black dog he felt a tugging at his heart that _hurt._ What _was_ this emotion? Empathy? Sympathy? Why did he want to run back towards the thing that had held him as an object of affection for _more…?_ No, _no_ , surely he couldn’t be so _needy._

Shieda Kayn didn’t sympathize with animals as a whole. They weren’t like people, they were stupid and simple and almost entirely formed by instinct alone… but he liked that dog. Perhaps if, as animals, humans were sometimes as eager to show affection like dogs were… perhaps that would be better than people being a series of complex thoughts and emotions that he couldn’t make out. Perhaps Shieda would have been better off if he was a dog and not a person, if he would warmly sit with another and show them the barest regions of his heart without feeling pathetic and _weak_.

_I hope you understood my words._

Doleful, sad eyes spotted his master at the top of the stairs as he struggled not to look back.

_I… think I’ll miss you a lot._

* * *

The next day, whilst doing his laps, Shieda saw a familiar shape against the shadow of the bushes; curious eyes, a scabby muzzle. His heart leapt to his throat as he gave a manic wave, and though the black dog came no closer through fear of the acolytes afar, Kayn was left with fuzzy feelings of fondness once again.

* * *

The scruffy creature hadn’t been seen in three days, but whilst gazing out of the tall stained glass windows, the boy saw it limping heavily along the edge of the trees with the tanned dog in tow, and could not make out what they were doing. By the time he had dashed to the top of the stairs they had gone, and a wistful sigh escaped him.

* * *

“You aren’t going to eat?”

Shieda looked woefully to his dog bowl; it was quite essentially of the same standard as a human bowl-- kilned clay rendered in earthly tones-- and if it wasn’t for the bone indent upon it none would think it was actually a dish for animals. Sitting beside it was even a pair of chop-sticks for him to use… for Zed, silent yet worried, blank yet full of feeling, was unable to punish his student so hard after he had returned from his bloody victory with eyes laden full of sorrow. The older male did not understand and Kayn _refused_ to tell him exactly what was wrong, and ever since his returning from the lip of the forest he had been quite obviously… downtrodden. It was _very_ unlike Kayn not to eat.

The black dog had made him _ache_ inside in ways he wasn’t sure of. Would it be ok? Would the bullies come back for more once it was on its own and perhaps kill it…? It was old, and it would most likely die within the coming month or year with injuries like that. It’s kindness could never be forgotten even by he, who still felt its tongue against his palms… That blinkless stare that was fixated upon that bowl was becoming strange, strange in a way that his master didn’t care for, for whenever the child’s gaze became phantom-like it usually meant he was on the cusp of something _very_ wrong.

… It was going to die, wasn’t it?

Like any animal that was touched by his fingertips it was going to lay down and _choke_ , and he’d never see that happy tail wag ever so softly again. Had _he_ killed the black dog simply by being near it? Oh, how terrible that would be… the child would have to lock himself up and never touch a ‘good thing’ again if that canine keeled over-- maybe Shieda would have to chew the fingernails from his skin obsessively until there was nothing but stubs left so that he could never 'touch' at all. Things died, things died _every day_ , but those were things that never showed him any shred of sweetness. Nature and its laws were cruel and liked to snatch happiness from him the moment the youth held it close to his chest, didn’t it? The black dog had been so _injured_ , why didn’t he _help_ it-- those _bastard_ dogs and their flashing eyes and their blood-stained teeth, how they would _rot_ against the forest floor if he ever found out--

“Hmm.”

Zed worked with his usual precision to remedy the situation quickly, clearing his throat loud enough to make Kayn snap to attention in his seat with the prior hauntings still vaguely kept within his gaze.

“What is wrong, Kayn?”

“Nothing, woof.” It was polite yet _cold._

“I _know_ something is wrong. You have not been the same since the dogs.”

“You wouldn’t understand, woof.”

The moment those words left the youths mouth he realized that _that_ had been the wrong thing to let slide from his lips, and shoving the chair back from the table he bowed from sitting to the older male stiffly. Shieda wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t a hand against his chin to raise his head higher-- there was no resistance, but the teen let his head lean heavy against that touch, as if he felt his skull was too heavy to lift on his own any more.

“How do you _know_ I will not understand if you do not _tell_ me.” Zed huffed slightly, only catching the others eyes for a split second before they were cast aside again. “... You are sad.”

“... I am.”

Shieda’s voice cracked a touch as weakly he removed his head from the others touch, balling his fists against his lap.

“... You are sad because you had to leave the dog behind.”

“I... am.”

“But that is not all.”

“No, woof.”

Zed leaned against the table and put his chopsticks down so that his fingers could fold against each other… and Kayn felt the heat of his gaze upon him like the sun beating down upon his skull in summer. How could… _anyone_ understand how it had felt to hug that poor dog about its neck? How warm it was, and how that warmth had played upon his chest like a blanket constantly settled there? It was stupid, _idiotic_ , that one with such a history of _aggression_ towards animals could be in one moment reformed into a being that looked down at a living thing and saw something with a _soul_ staring back. It wasn’t a plant. It wasn’t a inhabitant of the world that was nothing more than food or prey, it had _cried out_ like a child, it had bled as he had bled. These were thoughts that were out-complexing the child’s mind, and Shieda bit his lip ever so gently, knowing that if he kept quiet eventually he would burst with noise about the situation no matter how long he attempted to keep it in.

“... I… I think, f-for the first time since _you_... I actually _care_ about something, something else alive,” The boy whispered, “A-And I dunno’...”

_I miss the black dog. I miss it a lot._

Kayn gave a single shiver; he wanted to touch and be touched, wanted to hold and be held. Could he dare be _needy_ and ask for what he craved, could he perhaps become as weak as he _felt_ and, like with the dog, lay his tender emotions bare for his carer to see... ? The child imagined those brown eyes overlaid against the harsh red ones of the man staring back at him with muddled eyes, and solemnly looked away.

_I love you, master. I shouldn’t be comparing you to a dog._

Zed’s sigh was taken the wrong way, making him feel completely unwelcome at the table-- with a single shiver he made a move to leave (without asking to be dismissed, none-the-less) yet was halted dead in his tracks when a large hand eclipsed his own. Those small knuckles barely kissed the warm skin of the older males hand, but it was enough to make him pause in his prior movements statically.

“It is ok, Kayn. The black dog was nice to you, wasn’t it?”

“... I-It was,” Shieda mewled, staring down at the hand above his own. “It… treated me like, like it had been my friend forever.”

If Zed was a little more blunt he would have simply told Kayn that he had little to no experience with affection and thus was bound to be overwhelmed by any tossed his way-- but whose fault was _that_? With a soft ‘hmm’ sounding in the back of his throat and a downturned brow, the ninja picked up the others hand and held it solemnly within his, noting the surprise that blossomed about the others face. Affection and comfort, softness and love, want and _desire_. Things that his apprentice felt and craved, things that danced about his gaze like dandelion seeds aloft on the wind.

“Do you feel like you have no friends…?” A quiet ask, watching the other place his other hand against the tops of his fingers in a hold.

“... Yes.” A quieter answer.

“What about me…?”

“... You are my master, woof. Not my friend.”

Those words spoken out loud caused them both to recoil ever so slightly, but no contact was broken. Zed’s free hand was brought upwards to comb through the locks of white hair that were askew upon his head,

“I _am_ your friend, Shieda. And your master. And _more_.” The man would pat his lap cool-y with his free hand, “Come here.”

The motion was lost upon the boy, whose (almost scared seeming) gaze flitted between his masters hand and his thigh. What exactly did this hand signal mean? Lost in translation and completely silent, Kayn scooted forward upon his chair which only served in causing his master to stare with little reaction. A wrong move. He would shy as Zed came to a slow stand, their hands slipping away in a manner that brought momentary sadness washing over him until he saw those strong hands return to slide under his arms; once more, like that sunday before, the young assassin had been picked up… but there was so struggling this time. Not when his master’s arm wrapped around his midsection and held him close against his side, causing little hands to cling to his shoulder as if he feared he would fall.

“.. I was wrong, earlier. To punish you for caring about the life of another.” The man watched the kids face go red and his mouth search for words to say-- it was a rare event indeed to hear the master of shadows admit _fault._ “You showed compassion; I wish it came to me as easily as it came to you.”

“Compassion…” Shieda’s chin lent heavily against the man’s shoulders in a move that came without thought… their contact was casting a spell over him. He wanted to be shaken to pieces by the depth of the others tone and melt into his warmth like butter to a stove, and just like before it was embarrassing. _Weak_ feeling. “... I feel stupid… when it said thank you to me I just wanted to hold it. I wanted to pet it. It made me feel like I, I was really really loved.”

“You _are_ loved, I have simply failed at showing you the affection you so clearly wanted.” A listless sigh- Zed was frustrated with himself once again. “You are not ‘stupid’ for wishing to dispense affection upon another who is showing you it in turn.”

“I’m not…?”

“Of course not. You are a very strong boy, Kayn. People have harmed you, have robbed you and have almost killed you… and yet, you still manage to be able to love all the same. Only someone very strong could do such a thing.”

The master's flashed grin at his student was mirrored back with an intense amount of enthusiasm as wiry arms came about his throat to hug him tightly.

 _Yes_ , his master was cold and used emotion sparingly, but in moments like those Shieda was reminded that though the hole in his chest grew colder with each contactless day that passed that sometimes… things were different. Sometimes things were warm and gentle and _good_ , and sometimes his feelings were askew, as if parts of him had gotten lost in an unforgiving fog-- but Zed would always be there for him. That had been a promise made long ago. Regret started to seep deep into Shieda’s bones as he recalled his prior thoughts of neediness and selfishness and with great shame his face was buried against the cloth of the others shirt,

“... I am sorry, woof. For disobeying you.” There would be no outspoken admission about the lack of the others warmth. It was a discussion for another day, when he felt less enamored by the man. “I just felt bad… and didn’t know what to do.”

A pause in which the only sound was their intermingled breathing, before a whisper caused Kayn to jolt in the others grasp---

“... I will look for the dog; I will make sure it is all right. Would that make you happy--”

“Y-you’d do that, woof!?” Came the ecstatic gasp! “I-it was so hurt, I, I just want to make _sure_ \--”

“That all is well… I understand.”

As Zed placed Shieda down upon the ground he noticed that the child was wearing an anxious smile, a skittish disposition overtaking him as he wove his fingers together and struggled to control the redness of his cheeks-- yes! Master would find the black dog, he wouldn’t have to worry about it any more-- perhaps… he could even give it a few more pettings for the road…! The child struggled not to jump and down on the spot with absolute glee as he barked out loudly,

“Thank you, woof! Thank you! I’m-- I’m really happy now!”

The master would peer to where the sun was beginning to die at the window and narrowed his eyes to the encroaching darkness; animals wandered forth eagerly at the crux of twilight, and finding one dog would have been a challenge… was it not for the fact that he had _mastered_ said darkness. The leader of the Shadow order was no mere man calling about the woods like a fool, and he knew and could traverse the surrounding areas as if they were nothing more than a normal hiking trail as opposed to a slew of wild forestry. Was this a fruitless task? Perhaps, but if it gave the child peace of mind, then he would stride out under the starlit night to find a stray canine lost amongst a mess of trees.

For the prize of Kayn’s happiness… such a task became compulsory.

“I’ll return soon I hope, but when I come back you better have eaten all of your food, Kayn.” The older male gave a single pat to the table with red eyes focusing upon the chair, the same chair that Shieda was now hurrying back to as the child donned his chopsticks easily.

“Yes, woof!”

“Be good.”

“Be safe!”

And stepping out of the sliding door, Zed disappeared beneath the moonlight with the furling of smoke about his once tangible form, yet no-one saw. Shieda was far too busy trying to eat as fast as he could, after all.

* * *

Three hours.

Kayn watched his master walk up those iconic steps with a piece of fluttering paper in the wind at his fingers; at first it confused him, for the black shadow of the old dog was not pacing at his side… but there was nothing to be concerned about, was there? Well, _perhaps_ the journey had taken a little longer than the child had expected, but... there was a gentle grin upon Zed’s face, a meek but sure smile playing about that usually stern expression. Good news. With a skip and a jump, eager to hear what the adult had found, Shieda rushed towards his master with a skidding halt before him--

“W-Where is it, woof?” A peer left, a peer right, then back up to meet his masters gaze. “You found it, yes?”

“I did. I found a note attached to it’s collar.”

_A collar?! Someone gave it a collar!!_

Just like before, Kayn watched his master come to a slow sit upon the ground, unwinding the thin paper slowly as it had curled with the wind. Immediately the child was up against his side, eyes down to scan the sheet wildly, unable to read but still invested in the strange ink strokes upon the speckled, beige-ish surface.

“What does it say?” Came the curious whisper, stars from above caught in his stare. Zed paused to take a momentary glance at his student, before reciting dutifully--

“It says, _‘I have an owner; I got lost in the forest, but they found me. They are coming to take me back. Thank you for feeding me’_.”

Kayn’s eyes became pan-sized as his fingers curled about Zed’s arm, shaking him ever so slightly with feverish glee-- a collar! A letter! A _home_ , the black dog would no longer be subjected to the teeth of the vicious vagabonds of the woods…!! A thousand feelings burst within him like a balloon popping, like a million stars were crashing to the earth below them, and with the beginnings of tears at the corners of his eyes the child exclaimed sweetly,

“It… is _loved_. I’m… I’m so happy!”

For all the kindness that creature had shown, a reward; someone to love it in back in return! It _deserved_ that much! Before Kayn could jump to his feet to begin jumping about in absolute joy a hand came down to pet his head, the sweeping of his short hair against the warmth of his master’s hand.

“If it hadn’t been for you, Shieda, some family would be very upset right now.” The slight ducking of the masters head, words as gentle as the clouds above, “You are a hero… you really did do the right thing.”

The paper was offered to the boy, which was accepted with excitement as he held it against his chest-- _no_ , he was not poison. Kayn was no foil for living things, he was no unloved creature without friends, and he could take kindness and give it back in return without feeling as if he would shatter to pieces in shame. That black dog had taught the child something, it had taught him that sometimes if one wished for affection then it was best to give it first… and revel in what was mirrored back. With a free hand reaching to take Zed’s gently in his own, trembling with unfounded energy, Kayn was ready to allow himself to be needy and gentle. Like a dog transfixed with its owner, he too would seek love from his master whenever he could... be it by the pawing at his arm or by surprise hugging him from behind, and Shieda refrained from giggling as he imagined how ‘waggy’ his tail would be.

“I feel… really wonderful!” The child waggled Zed’s arm, to which the man spared him a small smile without any show of restraint. “Thank you, woof. You’re the best master anyone could have-- I mean, _woof_ anyone could have.”

It was strange to hear Zed laugh, for the noise was akin to rock scraping against rock in its gravelly-ness, but the sound was welcome as it fell upon his ears. His master stood without letting go of his apprentices hands, choosing instead to give it the barest of tugs--

“You may state sweet things when we are not outside in the cold.” A pleasant tone, a slow walk off. Kayn had only just realized the drop in temperature had caused goosebumps to raise against his bare arms- and he got up quickly to scuttle after his master. “It’s bed time.”

“Yes, woof!”

“... I cannot wait for Sunday, so that you no longer have to say _woof._ ” Zed’s playful sigh caused Kayn to skip a little in response, childishly responding with a pitched voice;

“ _Woof_! I told you, I am an animal. I think if I _was_ an animal I would be a dog. Me and the black dog would be good friends.” 

A split second pause, before an easy smile. “And here I thought you did not like animals…”

“I don’t. I like certain animals! _Good_ animals!” … A pause, and then a cute snicker, mirthful yet somehow ever so devious as the two disappeared beneath the marble arch of that grand entrance. “... I like delicious ones, too.”

_The master is my best friend… but he’s not my only friend now!_

Zed would scowl in a teasing manner, only causing the child to smile even more broader than before as he lightly swung their arms playfully.

_The black dog, my master and me… we are loved… and I hope it stays that way forever._

* * *

Down in the forest, far, _far_ from the monastery and beneath the shadows of the low-laying trees, cold blood heavied the fallen leaves as they struggled to toss themselves in the breeze. A corpse lay beneath a thin sheet of earth with tattered, muddied fur, a yellowed leg and bite marks to the throat and chest in decaying pink rosettes that were peppered with flies eager to get at the meat before it rotted. The black dog’s eyes were open, brown eyes fogged in blue, it’s snout no longer scabbed but shredded by fang and claw alike… and a slight movement beside it revealed the form of a tan colored dog, bloody mouthed, eagerly snuffling at the heap with a line of saliva dangling from its maw.

It would have to eat quickly before the others returned.

* * *


End file.
